A fox trot above my head

I keep thinking dirty thoughts :o

And about chemistry too I guess. Apparently organic chemists have a life expectancy of 10 years less than the average. Shit eh.

I got so high last night.
I want to be anybody but myself, I'd do anything to get out of this skin.
I don't know why. I just want someone to come in and do everything for me.

When you think about it, blogs are kind of self-centered aren't they?

My real problem

Is that I feed on negativity. You wouldn't know it, but somehow I always give into it. It's a constant struggle from letting the dark part of my mind take over. I don't know why. There is never anything wrong.  It's like I get some sort of sick thrill from picking apart all the would-be problems. But even as I write this I feel it's no longer true, at least not to the extent that it once was. I am getting better.

I need to go back to Scotland, soon. I miss the wind and the rain and the ancient stone circles and the busses and the telephone booths and the food. I miss my granny's house.

New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.

Too early

I am making a conscious effort to improve myself. Lately I feel as if I've been out of touch with everything, not thinking but instead going through the motions mindlessly. I want to be more of the person who is calm and wise, and cut out the jealous, insecure, lying bitch that has been living in my body. I know it sounds melodramatic and typical for this time of year, but I feel such a strong distaste for myself and my actions. I want to be the person who is innately good, who reflects goodness, who seeps goodness.

He's gonna smoke his lungs black, just to match the mood of the day

I had a really good halloween weekend. Friday was a show at the distillery, saturday was laser quest and dexter. Friendships are improving, progressing. I can feel myself starting to solidify...and it brings about a nervous feeling.

Last night I dreamt that my mom lost her job and everyone started dying of the flu.

University

Seems good so far! Weird to be a number. Good though. Disappearing. I don't have to bother showering, wearing makeup. My flip flop broke yesterday and although I tried to tape it, it didn't stick so I was hurrying along the campus like a gimp. I'm in that mood again where I feel delirious with ambition, but it's containable and sustainable. I don't know why it feels easier this year. New slate? Also, everyone left. Emily on Wednesday and Kelsey yesterday, family today. I'm a little jealous. Swallowing it though. Waiting for my turn. I need it. I cried at the most inopportune time the other day. It was dark. No one noticed. I was sad. But I'm not even really sad. Just emotional. Still angsty, although its aging into a nervous acceptance. I just can't think too much. Focus on school and the weekend, and school 4 years from now. Never think. Don't think too much. Everyone's gone. :( I need to keep my composure. Separate myself from my mother. Also, new room. New year. New attitude.

This is what it feels like

I am staying, I am staying, I am staying.

I've been gone, you've been wrong

I'm going to state the obvious and say that I've had so much trouble keeping up with this blog, and there are many reasons for that. The superficial reasons include not having enough time, and having nothing to say. Deeper than that, I feel like anything I say will be negative, or unhappy and confused, and I kind of don't want to preserve those feelings. Plus it's easier. It's so much easier. I haven't had an in-depth conversation with myself in months. I just don't really want to right now.



This week has been awful. I've cried in public more times than I can count. I'm terrified, and angry, and confused.

Baby it's been so long

Where do I start? Why did I ever stop? So much has happened I don't even remember it all.

I have been avoiding so much...I've started this post so many times only to stare blankly at the screen.

Getting involved with someone is by far one of the most complicating things that has ever happened to me.

I feel paralyzed...scared and at a complete loss. My plans have gone to shit, not because of that. And I've started to doubt everything that I want. Do I want to leave a new family? A lifetime of friendships and memories? It's so risky...but then there is the possibility of new friendships...prestige etc. At the cost of loneliness? I don't know what to do...I feel as if I'm waiting for an ephiphany where I suddenly realise what to do. In the meantime I am haunted by your bass-calloused fingertips, the way your neck is always warm. How I want to faint everytime you kiss my nose. And so I am here...at a loss.

"Mature decisions...realistic thinking coming to terms with emotions and innate instincts."

And then there's kelsey.
Good god I wish I was a praying man.

where is the love?

Where do I start...
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so crappy....keep hoping things are going to get better.
Mostly I just wish I could grow some actual sustaining backbone.
On the other hand, I had a three and a half hour conversation with Mr. McMillan today.
A perfect way to end the semester.

I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

I've had a lot on my mind lately..

First off, I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to change you. That there's nothing I can do to make you happy or even make you happy with me. I don't know what it is, but I feel so obligated to try and fix it. Fix you. Be "a part of the solution and not the problem." Because it's really either or. But all the clichés become true and I know, at least on an intellectual level, that you really can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves. But in saying that, it means that I am not enough to make someone want to change. And shouldnt I be? Shouldn't I be the person who brings out the best in you? Who proves that the world is not that harsh after all and that I mean it when I say I care? But on the other hand...shouldn't I be getting that in return? I know...I know that its a bad idea to do something for someone that is really for yourself, but I can't help hoping that you'll turn around and say what I want to hear from you. I don't know what to do anymore.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about what a big reality check I am going to get in living by myself. Less than seven months. And all I can cook is grilled cheese and tv dinners. I am going to be so, so miserable. So lonely. So sad. And desolate. It scares me. The initial pain of isolation is terrifying.

Also, I would like to point out that it should be common knowledge that when someone asks if you would give them a kidney, they are not asking what your views on organ donation are.

En outre, I am dying and cutting my hair on monday. I think it's time.

Violet hill

I am not in the proper state to be writing exams.

I function cope do fine

and then break down.

Ugh.

You told me to balanced, you told me to be kind.

I never wanted to be this.

Also, tonight I applied to UVic.

We'll see.

I'm trying to keep my options open, but the truth is I don't know what I want at all.

At all. Pros and cons always weigh the same, and I can't hear what I should do, except spite you.

Seventeen

I feel old...and not very wise and very vulnerable

Have a happy new year everyone!

Merry Christmas

Its been not bad. Everything will be okay.

stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

I'm afraid I've become exactly what I wanted to never be, a needy attention-craving girl. Something is gone, the undying faith in humanity that I once had disappeared with unanswered texts and meaningless declarations and people who change for the worst. I feel completely abandoned and let down and insecure. Harboring romantic notions of having best friends for life and fulfilled academic dreams is possibly the worst thing I could have done. I want to cry with disappointment in myself and the world. I guess this is where it sinks in that everyone looks out for themselves first, and somehow I missed that. It's almost my birthday. I don't particularly want to be seventeen.

its a lonely view

As soon as one part of my life gets better, the others just absolutely go to shit. Its probably some universal law made by some bitter god who wants to rub it in that no, you can't have everything. Not yet anyways. Maybe not ever. But you can never stop trying, and I guess thats the irony in it.
"There was a dark edge around each flower
as if it had been outlined in ink
instead of frost, and the tension
I feltbetween the expected and actual
was like that time I came to you, ready
to say goodbye for good, for you had been
a cold front yourself lately, and as I walked in
you laughed and lifted me up in your arms
as if I too were lacy with spring
instead of middle aged like the camellias,
and I thought: so this is Poetry!"
I wish I wish I wish I knew what to think

Day one

I don't want to write anything
I don't want to think

hello cold winter

I dread the weeks, it seems that they are only the aftermath of weekends. I am both more and less confused than ever. In your arms and listening to you breathe in your sleep, I got this burning feeling in my stomach and realized how badly I want you to feel it for me in return. I've been so hurt and can't even tell the difference between what I perceive and how things really are. Yes, a heart can hallucinate if its completely starved. That being said, the hallucination can go both ways. Is it like this for everyone?

the other foot in my mouth

There is no worse feeling than trying to fix a problem only to find that it is more complex and deep than you imagined. Layer upon layer of knots. I think I tried to fix something, unknotted and cut a rope that was around my neck and then noticed that it was the same rope holding my heart together.

I thought I could have it all. Even now I'm not sure if I understand why I can't. I guess its egotistical to think that everyone wants to give everything to me. You don't care. You don't touch me. He does both too much. I talk too little.

 In the past few days I've been happier than I'd been in weeks. But it's all an ego trip.

Neko Case never fails

In the end I was the mean girl

Or somebody's in-between girl

Now it's the devil I love

And that's as funny as real love

I'm not happy but I can't bring myself to say anything.

missed 11:11

Tonight was a wake up call in the form of a slap on the face. I told myself I wouldn't use this blog to complain, but it seems like I have nothing else to say. I feel like a fool...so foolish. Walked down the street in high heeled boots and a dress, wanted to cry but didn't have the heart. And yet it hasnt really taught me anything, here I am with my makeup still on, holding onto a vain hope. And for what?

I used to think I was so smart, smarter than everyone else in the world. But while I was growing up-keeping my eye on it, it snuck up behind me and knocked me out cold. I've been such a fool. How many times does it take to get it right? I wish I could go back.

you are what you love

Tomorrow is my dad's wedding. A lot has happened. Most importantly I think I've realized that I am far too easily moved from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, resulting in chronic bi-polarness and unease. It happened at the same time last year too. I think I'm just going to try and stop putting all my eggs in one basket. Also, I've started caring less about the inevitable outcome of this and more about the moment. Which is how I'd like to live. It took a lot of letting go to get to this point.

I'm sick of thinking about my feelings. I was happier the way things were before.

My body aches

So. Second time yesterday. Well third I guess if you count last winter. I don't know what to think. Feel naive. And secretly I wonder if I am being made a fool of. I never know what to do unless someone tells me, and even then I still don't know what to do so most of the time I end up just being idle and letting things run their course. When they go badly I complain and then I don't know how to fix it. I feel so lost these days. I underestimated everything.

Learn to swim

Hmm. Well that's that. I feel so much calmer than I would have expected of myself. And I do believe I feel happy. This weekend was fucking good. I am so short on sleep.

With you on my mind

and my heart held in your hands

Screaming

Break me

Break me

Everything I want to say about this has been said before and I'm not that naive to think I'm special after all.

Only the brave and open dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humaness.

Do I have it? This is the question that has been begged to be asked since the beginning of this blog. Here goes.

nixon

I am so sick of everything. It finally came to a head... I just feel so angry. I tried opening up to my mother, tried telling her things that I would normally never do and letting her in on a part of myself that had always remained closed. I felt obligated to take that chance and open up... and at first glance it seemed fine, but after two weeks she has turned around and thrown everything back into my face, judging and controlling and breaking me down. I feel so foolish. And the cynical part of me is taking over..I don't want to fight it.

How can someone tell me I am wrong? Tell me what I should do with my life and my relationships? Impose their judgement and taint the situation with venom and malice?

She said it so forcefully...and it makes me wonder how a mother can be the participant in stripping her daughter of everything that she loves in her life. For the sake of pride? To teach me a lesson? Revenge or jealously?

I have to cling to the part of myself that knows this isn't right...the part that knows the difference between something like love as opposed to pride and a misplaced sense of self-righteousness.

cosmic girl

There is a permanent sad feeling in my chest. And it doesn't have a reason for being there. It's not like I'm unhappy with my life, necessarily. I'm unhappy with my mood swings and the complete insecurity of every constant in my life right now. I'm floating and just waiting to fall.

Whenever I write it sounds so depressing. I'm not like this all the time. I'll just never be the beauty in the backwards cap again.

You came along

Look at the stars

look how they shine for you

and everything you do

yeah they were all yellow

your skin

oh yeah your skin and bones

turn into something beautiful

Unrelated, and yet I don't believe I'm as happy as I convince myself I am. Is it negative thinking? No.

I think it's just being completely honest with myself. I am doubtful and when I look around, I don't feel that my eyes are veiled. Maybe I'm just not as good as the rest of the world when it comes to fooling myself.

illusion never changed into something real

My dreams are so vivid and in them things are the way they are supposed to be. Or so I always thought. It's hard being blind and alone and I guess I never gave myself enough credit of ignorance. A few weeks ago those dreams would have made my heart beat faster but now they just slow it so all I feel is a slow, aching, thud.
I wonder if anything more could make it slow to a stop.
Please no.

and all the places we used to go

I feel like crap. Wow do I ever.

Ugh! It's fine though.

Also: I put in my two weeks.

I'm not ready for school to start. I need to pull myself together and fix some things first. Maybe it's better this way. From an academic perspective at least. From a human perspective, I totally fucked myself over...and am in isolation.

breathe me

You are a feathery stroker and I'm awkward at doorways. And I can't wait to kiss you again.

LA lights don't shine quite as bright as in the movies

Late at night everything seems amplified. Or maybe during the day it's just minimized so we can get on with life. But a two o'clock in the morning when I'm reading your words and feeling the way your emotions pour out it's unparalleled. Everything is so raw and powerful and beautiful in a pitiful way. It hits me hard to see someone so torn up and yet they are so lucky. Can you love someone without being with them? Pretty much the epitome of an oxymoron. I don't know what to tell you but I have my own situation to think about and that's exactly what it makes me do...and then I get lost in it and in you and when I wake up there are tear marks on my face and yet I am smiling.

sink of blood and crushed veneer

FUCK YEAH.

Surprisingly I don't have any psychoanalytic shit today except to say I think this will go far.

Why am I swearing so much? I think I just feel passionate.

good gracious ass is bodacious

Something is very wrong with me. I don't know what it is but I am distinctly different than this time last month. I think my head is catching up with the change but my heart isn't and I feel like I'm living recklessly.

I test drove a VW today.

Fuck me.

I'm terrible at standard.

I've been swearing a lot today.

What the hell is happening?!

Frozen hands and frozen time

I am so in love with the fact that my favorite thing to do these days is think.

Maybe you think too much. Maybe I do too. Maybe I'm thinking about all the wrong things.

Going over the part of my mind that is scared and worried, listening to the what ifs and doubting what I want.

What do I really want? I want a car. I want you. I want to be beautiful. I want to be successful. I want everything to turn out fine and I want to always be happier awake than asleep.

graveyard

"you came round

inside the pitch black of your coffin

in the ground

you let your ghost

leak through the earth

above your grave

and coast around

to find your love

that you left behind

inside of this old town"

It's like I'm just waking up.

are you nervous?

I kissed a lot of people this weekend. Not the people I wanted to, and not the people I should have been. I didn't drink a lot, and maybe I should have. Maybe that would have made it easier.

I don't know anymore. I can't go back to the way I was, not even because I necessarily don't want to, but because I have somehow grown without knowing it and attatched myself to some higher self that doesn't go away. But this is oversimplified and I know you can't measure how good a person is by what they do and I am only just beginning to understand this.

But this isn't what I wanted to say but I feel like I can't write about it until it's over. Hindsight is all we've got. There is no insight in confusion and tentativeness. But something is changing, I can feel it and there is a certain understanding that has never been there before. Maybe I'll hit gold.

elevator love letter

Legs look a lot like tree trunks.

Ironman is playing in my head.

Some days this house feels so empty. The music echos.

And suddenly I realise that time is almost up. I knew this was coming, but strangely I don't see myself panicing. Only watching from the outside and taking it calmly.

Eleven months is not a long time. Half an hour is a long time. Two days is a long time.

I can't tell the difference between weekend plans and deciding what to do with myself. I wonder if I even care anymore.

slipped away

I'm trying to keep my mind from going into that dark place. My heart is throbbing and I just can't hold myself up. And I cut off my hair. Last night I dreamt my great aunt Anna was dying and I knew it. She asked me to make her a last ham and cheese sandwhich but I forgot and then she died.

what happened here?

I can't motivate myself to say what I want to in a way that makes sense or means something. Facts are facts and I think we should leave it at that. But it's human nature to judge. When I say I don't know I don't actually mean that. I do know, and I know that things are too complicated to put in such a small box. I've said this before and I still think it's true.

waking to the sound of car alarms

Wicked headache. I'd like to go back to bed.

thought pigeon had a "d"?

I don't know what to write about anymore. "What is the most constant thing in your life?" I say it doesn't matter. The textbooks, the smell of gasoline, sound of paper bags and the looks that say everything, really don't mean anything.

but you don't really care for music, do you?

I suspect I only like him because he reminds me of someone else I used to know. Which is kind of troubling but I'm not going to do anything about it. And so I'm back on the same emotional roller coaster. I don't know why I do this to myself. I guess it's kind of fun. I don't know.

I fell asleep during the lightning storm last night thinking about it. He doesn't look at me the same way the other did. You'd think distinctions like that would help sort things out, but really it just makes the whole picture become scribbled with lines that cross over and don't match up. And then you lose what it was that you were trying to see in the first place.

Apart from everything, this week has actually been pretty good. I woke up to an empty house. I got my AP marks back...a four and a five. I started driving alone again. It's been nice weather.

That's all.

there was a time you let me know

what's real and going on below

but now you never show it to me, do you?

if you'll just perish that thought

Usually, we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm ok," we say. "I'm all right." But sometimes the truth arrives on you, and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer-it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.

neglect

Throughout all this, I cannot shake the image that I'm standing at a bus stop, alone, while bus after bus carrying all my friends go by. They are waving. My inital reaction is that of panic and hurt as I feel I've missed something. The feeling of being stranded closes in. But then I feel guilty about my selfishness and I am happy for them. Almost. And then I start doubting myself and I ask whether I really wanted to be on that bus in the first place. Do I want to be where it's going? This is where I comfort myself. But then I realise that the destination doesn't matter. Its the fact that they are moving. And at some point I have to give up control and accept that there are no guarantees and that's just the way things are.

Another realisation: Sometimes it's better not to re-read things you have written. Words are very haunting, especially when they are your own. Sometimes its better to let yourself fall asleep rather than write about things you only thing you comprehend. Sometimes it's better to skip over things people have written to you. Sometimes it's better just to let everything go...There is no value in things that backfire.

Two hundred posts

My name is Heather Adams. I danced myself right out the womb. I have long hair. Someday I will cut it. I am terrified of elevators. Sometimes I laugh at people who cannot open the back doors of the bus. I am a vegetarian. I suspect that someday I will eat meat. I wish I was taller. I wish I was more funny. I wish I could hold onto people the way others seem to do. But instead I feel my fingers constantly slipping and when I look down, my hands are empty.

You will die the way you lived

What gets me is those things, the stuff you can't wreck or sterilize. It just floats around unsolved, without a specific place to be and you don't know what to do with it. To put it away would be too hard and leaving it out is too painful. So instead you just leave it. You do nothing. Then you look back months later and find that sometimes it has put itself away. And sometimes not in the place you were initially inclined to keep it. And sometimes it hasn't moved. But by far the worst is when you believe it to be safe and put away and out of nowhere it jumps out and hits you in the face. And you still don't know what to do with it and it hurts just as much when the catalyst of time hasn't worked. So what do you do?

As I know it

I'm sorry to say that it has descended into the level of ugliness. I got a text message late last night saying "I'm glad I found out what kind of person you really are," and more shit about how I'm such a horrible person and don't know anything and am so immature.

I'm trying to be diplomatic, I really really am. But in my gut I feel angry and nauseaous and incredibly hurt. I would have taken a bullet for Gina. And it's so hard to have that person turn around and hate everything about you. Because of two words. And two words that I feel justified in saying, at that. It's as if I'm being attacked from the inside out. The only one who has enough of me to break my heart.

It's hard trying to find the balance between sticking up for yourself and being civil. I don't want to go down to that level, I'm not going to be petty or cruel. But I'm cracking and I can hardly find the strength to hold myself together through this. It does feel like the world is ended.

Oh yeah what

I am absolutely dying to do it again.

And not just for the sake of doing it,

but more because I'm feeling very adventurous.

You are like an arrow

I refuse to lose my shit tonight.

Regression is not an option.

I'm so excited to go to New York.

Also, I was told yet again that I look like the girl from Chronicles of Narnia. I don't know? Maybe if I had freckles.

Is there a ghost?

First of all, I am aware that it sounds like I am a complete tool when I say:

I've discovered the best way to accept this:

Step one: Be sad about losing it. Crying is optional but recommended.

Step two: Realize that you are alone with the giant hole in your heart.

Step three: Become independant and ok with being alone.

Step four: Fill the hole with something even better. Wake up and look at the amazing friends that are still there.

I'm quite proud of myself for having come this far in such a short period of time. But did I have a choice? Life is by no means over. One step a day? We'll see how this weekend goes but if anything I've realized a shitload of things about myself in the past week. Nice work, Watson.

Snowden

My faith in humanity has been absolutely shattered.

I don't understand why someone would be willing to throw away something so important over something so small.

On the other hand, my faith in myself has increased exponentially.

I still feel alone, but it's a different type.

Just let it seep

This weekend has been heart-wrenching.

Normally I'm not fully understandable, but I'll say this in plain english:

On friday someone at work told me I was intellectualy smart, but socially I should be locked in a box. The people who heard laughed and nodded, and I went home and cried before going back to work. The fact that someone would voice that opinion out loud, to my face cut incredibly deeply. Not to mention that social awkwardness is a huge sore spot for me. It just tore up old wounds and left me breathless.

When I did get back my friend saw that I was upset and told me to grow up and stop being so immature. I was so angry at her insensitivity, I told her to fuck off, and for the rest of the night she refused to talk to me. Yesterday and today were hardly better. More than anything this is what hurts me. Especially since it took until last night for me to realize why she wasn't talking to me. I didn't actually mean for her to. The strain of yet another good friendship is incredibly painful. I don't want it to be this way, but I'm getting shot down.

My mother is baffled as to why I keep crying. I woke up both mornings with eyes swollen almost shut. I feel like half of me is missing. Please don't think this is an exaggeration. Maybe I'm just not meant to be one of those lucky people.