neglect

Throughout all this, I cannot shake the image that I'm standing at a bus stop, alone, while bus after bus carrying all my friends go by. They are waving. My inital reaction is that of panic and hurt as I feel I've missed something. The feeling of being stranded closes in. But then I feel guilty about my selfishness and I am happy for them. Almost. And then I start doubting myself and I ask whether I really wanted to be on that bus in the first place. Do I want to be where it's going? This is where I comfort myself. But then I realise that the destination doesn't matter. Its the fact that they are moving. And at some point I have to give up control and accept that there are no guarantees and that's just the way things are.

Another realisation: Sometimes it's better not to re-read things you have written. Words are very haunting, especially when they are your own. Sometimes its better to let yourself fall asleep rather than write about things you only thing you comprehend. Sometimes it's better to skip over things people have written to you. Sometimes it's better just to let everything go...There is no value in things that backfire.