New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.