You came along

Look at the stars

look how they shine for you

and everything you do

yeah they were all yellow

your skin

oh yeah your skin and bones

turn into something beautiful

Unrelated, and yet I don't believe I'm as happy as I convince myself I am. Is it negative thinking? No.

I think it's just being completely honest with myself. I am doubtful and when I look around, I don't feel that my eyes are veiled. Maybe I'm just not as good as the rest of the world when it comes to fooling myself.

illusion never changed into something real

My dreams are so vivid and in them things are the way they are supposed to be. Or so I always thought. It's hard being blind and alone and I guess I never gave myself enough credit of ignorance. A few weeks ago those dreams would have made my heart beat faster but now they just slow it so all I feel is a slow, aching, thud.
I wonder if anything more could make it slow to a stop.
Please no.

and all the places we used to go

I feel like crap. Wow do I ever.

Ugh! It's fine though.

Also: I put in my two weeks.

I'm not ready for school to start. I need to pull myself together and fix some things first. Maybe it's better this way. From an academic perspective at least. From a human perspective, I totally fucked myself over...and am in isolation.

breathe me

You are a feathery stroker and I'm awkward at doorways. And I can't wait to kiss you again.

LA lights don't shine quite as bright as in the movies

Late at night everything seems amplified. Or maybe during the day it's just minimized so we can get on with life. But a two o'clock in the morning when I'm reading your words and feeling the way your emotions pour out it's unparalleled. Everything is so raw and powerful and beautiful in a pitiful way. It hits me hard to see someone so torn up and yet they are so lucky. Can you love someone without being with them? Pretty much the epitome of an oxymoron. I don't know what to tell you but I have my own situation to think about and that's exactly what it makes me do...and then I get lost in it and in you and when I wake up there are tear marks on my face and yet I am smiling.

sink of blood and crushed veneer

FUCK YEAH.

Surprisingly I don't have any psychoanalytic shit today except to say I think this will go far.

Why am I swearing so much? I think I just feel passionate.

good gracious ass is bodacious

Something is very wrong with me. I don't know what it is but I am distinctly different than this time last month. I think my head is catching up with the change but my heart isn't and I feel like I'm living recklessly.

I test drove a VW today.

Fuck me.

I'm terrible at standard.

I've been swearing a lot today.

What the hell is happening?!

Frozen hands and frozen time

I am so in love with the fact that my favorite thing to do these days is think.

Maybe you think too much. Maybe I do too. Maybe I'm thinking about all the wrong things.

Going over the part of my mind that is scared and worried, listening to the what ifs and doubting what I want.

What do I really want? I want a car. I want you. I want to be beautiful. I want to be successful. I want everything to turn out fine and I want to always be happier awake than asleep.

graveyard

"you came round

inside the pitch black of your coffin

in the ground

you let your ghost

leak through the earth

above your grave

and coast around

to find your love

that you left behind

inside of this old town"

It's like I'm just waking up.