A fox trot above my head

I keep thinking dirty thoughts :o

And about chemistry too I guess. Apparently organic chemists have a life expectancy of 10 years less than the average. Shit eh.

I got so high last night.
I want to be anybody but myself, I'd do anything to get out of this skin.
I don't know why. I just want someone to come in and do everything for me.

When you think about it, blogs are kind of self-centered aren't they?

My real problem

Is that I feed on negativity. You wouldn't know it, but somehow I always give into it. It's a constant struggle from letting the dark part of my mind take over. I don't know why. There is never anything wrong.  It's like I get some sort of sick thrill from picking apart all the would-be problems. But even as I write this I feel it's no longer true, at least not to the extent that it once was. I am getting better.

I need to go back to Scotland, soon. I miss the wind and the rain and the ancient stone circles and the busses and the telephone booths and the food. I miss my granny's house.

New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.