Seventeen

I feel old...and not very wise and very vulnerable

Have a happy new year everyone!

Merry Christmas

Its been not bad. Everything will be okay.

stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

I'm afraid I've become exactly what I wanted to never be, a needy attention-craving girl. Something is gone, the undying faith in humanity that I once had disappeared with unanswered texts and meaningless declarations and people who change for the worst. I feel completely abandoned and let down and insecure. Harboring romantic notions of having best friends for life and fulfilled academic dreams is possibly the worst thing I could have done. I want to cry with disappointment in myself and the world. I guess this is where it sinks in that everyone looks out for themselves first, and somehow I missed that. It's almost my birthday. I don't particularly want to be seventeen.

its a lonely view

As soon as one part of my life gets better, the others just absolutely go to shit. Its probably some universal law made by some bitter god who wants to rub it in that no, you can't have everything. Not yet anyways. Maybe not ever. But you can never stop trying, and I guess thats the irony in it.
"There was a dark edge around each flower
as if it had been outlined in ink
instead of frost, and the tension
I feltbetween the expected and actual
was like that time I came to you, ready
to say goodbye for good, for you had been
a cold front yourself lately, and as I walked in
you laughed and lifted me up in your arms
as if I too were lacy with spring
instead of middle aged like the camellias,
and I thought: so this is Poetry!"
I wish I wish I wish I knew what to think

Day one