Learn to swim

Hmm. Well that's that. I feel so much calmer than I would have expected of myself. And I do believe I feel happy. This weekend was fucking good. I am so short on sleep.

With you on my mind

and my heart held in your hands

Screaming

Break me

Break me

Everything I want to say about this has been said before and I'm not that naive to think I'm special after all.

Only the brave and open dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humaness.

Do I have it? This is the question that has been begged to be asked since the beginning of this blog. Here goes.

nixon

I am so sick of everything. It finally came to a head... I just feel so angry. I tried opening up to my mother, tried telling her things that I would normally never do and letting her in on a part of myself that had always remained closed. I felt obligated to take that chance and open up... and at first glance it seemed fine, but after two weeks she has turned around and thrown everything back into my face, judging and controlling and breaking me down. I feel so foolish. And the cynical part of me is taking over..I don't want to fight it.

How can someone tell me I am wrong? Tell me what I should do with my life and my relationships? Impose their judgement and taint the situation with venom and malice?

She said it so forcefully...and it makes me wonder how a mother can be the participant in stripping her daughter of everything that she loves in her life. For the sake of pride? To teach me a lesson? Revenge or jealously?

I have to cling to the part of myself that knows this isn't right...the part that knows the difference between something like love as opposed to pride and a misplaced sense of self-righteousness.

cosmic girl

There is a permanent sad feeling in my chest. And it doesn't have a reason for being there. It's not like I'm unhappy with my life, necessarily. I'm unhappy with my mood swings and the complete insecurity of every constant in my life right now. I'm floating and just waiting to fall.

Whenever I write it sounds so depressing. I'm not like this all the time. I'll just never be the beauty in the backwards cap again.