epitome epitome epitome

Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in
winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye





I'm trying not to buy into any particular mindset, because now I realize that one is not better than the other. Every view is flawed, and you have to see it as a whole, and in relation to everything else. But in doing so there is still a dilemma because you have to act and in acting you have to favor one thought-line over the other. To clarify: DRUGS ARE BAD VS DRUGS ARE FINE. But which do you act upon? So where does that leave me?



Tomorrow I turn sixteen.

bad ideas:

-signing online knowing no one else is on just to feel alone
-crackers with no water
-calls straight to voicemail

we could always wait until it dies to revive it

just so we could say we survived it.

if hope wasn't such an obscure, abstract concept I'd feel better. Until I've come up with some theory to get me through this, it's unsolved.

ruling out mediocrity as cod....

I've realized that my days are at the point of complexity that they cannot be categorized as purely good or bad, not all the elements fit nicely into black and white, instead it would be more accurate if I could break it down and sort all small things into the greyscale accordingly. But to do that would take too much time, and right now I don't even want to try.

I've been remembering my dreams again, they are...simply put, haunting me. There is no way that all the images of my life would be able to co-exist together, so I guess its just a reaction to the polarity of things. I don't like it though.

anger is for losers.

Don't be bitter! I hate when things get so comfortable that you forget that thats what they are and start settling for that because it's not even conscious. Good thing that's not happening anymore. Because our relationship...was comfortable, it was boring, it was a misfit. But don't be angry about it, it's not worth it. We are just two different people with different experiences and goals and views. Opposites attract, but in the end it's what people have in common that keeps them together. Goodnight.

its a shock/its a cock-block

Here's a thought...

WHAT THE HELL!
WHATEVER.
WHAT
EVER.
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER.
fuck was i.

i'm wondering...

if it's possible to have changed a large part of your identity and still remain the same person. Or at least a version of who you were. Is it like chemical compounds where the removal or addition of any element changes the compound to be almost unrecognizable? Or am I something unchanging and solid, simply being fine-tuned?

something I've learned...

everything always seems more appealing when it's your choice, as opposed to something that just...happened. I never like feeling like a victim of a situation, feeling lowly and helpless. It's the difference between being locked out and leaving...the result is the same but the causes and reasoning behind it oppose each other. Choosing is being responsible for something and following a natural path but not to the point of conciously trying too hard. It was just completely necessary and something I was compliant to do, or be, or become. But I'm not talking about drinking.

leave your toys at home, billy

I'm internalizing. It's been days since I've had a heart to heart with anyone other than this blog. And even that in itself is fine by me. I'm becoming more stable, please don't expect responses from me.

jesus christ almighty

today was better. more productive anyways. i realize that you are the kind of person who holds on to things from the past, wanting them to last for longer and thinking of ways to make it so, but i'm more the type to rush through it, waiting for better times and better places and that's what gives me hope. Neither of them are better than the other, it's equal and they are more alike than you'd think because the basis is that... right now isn't good enough.

blogging everyday without fail

I'm crying because I feel emotional and nauseous and depressed and it's all too much to handle. I fucking hate my mother, more than anyone can imagine, and I hate you for being so god damn annoying with your fucking laugh and silence, and I hate you for never answering me and letting everything die, I hate myself because I should be stronger than this, I hate life. I hate hate hate everything in this fucking world, it's morose and unfair, it's sick and it's not right. I hate how stupid this sounds, my writing right now is inarticulate and juvenille. I really don't want to be here right now, he got out the easy way on a pedestal and never having to face the consequences of a mother and a father like that. Why couldn't it have been me?

for people who love..

here we go again

My mom will not be back tonight until 2:30 and I want to do something so badly! But there's dance exams in the morning and its sunday and everyone is going to sleep. I need something to look forward to and something to motivate me, my mother it feels is crushing my post-secondary dreams and I'm making this right now harder for myself than ever. What is it worth? It's been almost six months, nothing has happened and I could go through this for another six months, or years, or I could somehow let go and move on. But how? Is it even something that I have any control over? Damnit and what else is there out there? Come on heather. Grow up and open your eyes. Are we breathing? Are we breathing? Are we wasting our breath? Cursed with a love that you can't express... Let's deal with this, NOW! Blow it back into proportion and file it away, in some dusty cabinet that can only be opened with a rusty key..

no, this is how it works..

"You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again"

written late last night

I think this is the confirmation I've been waiting for, it feels fantastic and good but now I don't know what to do with it. It wasn't what I wished for, but it's just as good, better, even, depending on which way you look at it. Tomorrow I am going to leave my hair curly and wear the green sweater and tell him about my new theory on life and perspective. Tonight, however, I'll bask in; "He thinks you're the bees' fucking knees."

a good start to the month

"well let me just say i like talkin to ya cause ur wise, warm-hearted, and years ahead of ur time and age."

Thank you.

Sixteen sixteen sixteen you are coming at me faster than ever.

What does this mean, I ask you?