don't say anything, but...

I cleaned my room and thought that these books were very representative of my life and it's aspects. I hate not being in your life anymore, I've said it before but it feels so one-sided. I don't know what's going on and when I try to talk to you it feels like you just want to let ....things.....slide.
Do you want that? Do I? I hope this will fix itself, maybe it's just laziness or being overwhelmed on your part, but maybe it's for the better. I don't love you, not to the same degree that I once proclaimed. We're just growing up and apart and I can't beat myself up because of your choice.

in retrospect...

I can't get out of my head the idea and theory that everything is relative and only exists in magnitude and in relation to other things...nothing is absolute by itself. And by nothing I mean myself and other people. It all depends on where you are looking from, and your interpretation.

I'm feeling the deep longing that plagues me every weekend, and during the week too. Why is this so difficult?

Today I went out with four other people, for once I didn't mind being another wheel. It's nice to feel wanted.

heather, what you may not know about me

Today after school I went down to kensington by myself and looked around the stores. It was...the invention of solitude. It was dark out by the time I got home, and I fought with my mom on the way to the school.

More and more I am realising that this time is only temporary, and whether I love it or hate it, it has to fade at some point and I subsequently have to come to terms with that.

why the hell not

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. see previous 5468441 blog entries.
2. What happened? I feel like the feeling isn't mutual.
3. I'm worried about you, so sorry for first impressions. Glad you went to get help.
4. wish i knew what you really thought of me. i'm glad i met you, despite the rough patches.
5. i was so wrong about you, but now i can't tell if you are transparent of very very good at manipulating. Despite that, I think I love you.
6. I'm so over you, there is hardly a friendship even.
7. You are such a rad guy, I love talking to you and hope that despite your past you can still find happiness.
8. What have you become? We don't talk as much anymore, I don't like picking up your slack.
9. It's....mediocre. My incredible mood swings have too big an impact.
10. We are so alike it's scary. I feel like I can relate to you, we're in the same boat at least.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. hate mushrooms and olives
2. love my job
3. trying not to be so emotional
4. I see myself as an odd mix of naivity and bitterness
5. i don't sleep well
6. i don't sing in the shower
7. neko case
8. the land vs. the view?
9. still don't love anyone fully

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. WIT!
2. on the same emotional/intellectual/moral/human level
3. Be HIM
4. teach me things
5. jokes
6. independance
7. beautiful eyes and height
8. interestingness

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Alot:
1. I am freezing
2. Where are my keys?
3. metaphysical concept translation into physical reaction
4. why did i just say that?
5. implications consequences feelings
6. parental hatred
7. pray this goes smoothly


Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. snap judgements and hurtful remarks
2. be an ass...when I act like an ass
3. no backbone
4. go on a pay as you go plan
5. many stupid things
6. give you second and third and fourth chances

Five Turn Offs:
1. Stereotypical bs
2. not showering
3. pushing it too hard
4. unatractiveness
5. irritation

Four Turn Ons:
1. Kind hearted
2. Laugh easily
3. Easy to talk to
4. Open

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. :hearts:
2. :omfg:
3. :confused:

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Love
2. Write

One confession:
1. I have no idea who the hell I am anymore

wondering if truly you are merely as beautiful as i believe

Things to love: new music, something to be excited about, having motivation again, tentative options.

Things to not love: girls who can spell "bitch" but not "stomach", confusion, messy rooms, no sleep, tim's health.

Entry edited

"But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing It’s getting away from you again While you’re chasin’ ghosts"

you could have my heart any day, heather.

This weekend I realized that I invest way too much on what happens over the weekends, I put too much in store and get dissapointed far too easily, and excited and emotional over trivial things. It's like another life, when I'm there sitting down at the bar, my experiences/reputation/personality is so out of wack that I don't know myself. I don't during the week either, but hey... Anyways I still can't decide what to do, everyday is bi-polar and rocky, and I mean it to the fullest extent of those words. The days just seem so much longer and dramatic, I'm almost craving my boring existance that life was before july 9th, but how can you go back? Life would be so much easier if I had someone to go through it with me.

are you punishing me? It feels like you are. I'm sure you're angry, probably hurt, but spite isn't working. Fuck me, I made a mistake but COME ON. Is it worth killing this for? Are we dying? I miss you. I miss being loved. I want to tell you, but I'm scared you won't care. Or worse, that you'll say nothing.

I'm numb. I don't recognize myself. Apparantly, neither do other people. "Who's in there? OH MY GOD! You? Hahahah!" What do I even want out of this hell of a life?

On Thursday night I had an encounter with a stranger: it basically ended up with her telling me to be careful what I wish for. For some reason it hit me then, that every time 11:11 rolls around I always wish, and it's not coming true, but do I really want it to? Consequences, implications, feelings. Let's just think about this.

Heather Adams is.....

worried about her feelings, their implications, consequences etc.




I'M BACK!





I wish I could say it and mean it. But the truth is that I don't think I'll ever be able to function as the Heather that I was before. I don't think it's something returnable. If anything, it's an evolution, a coming full circle. But how do you know when you've came "full circle"? Lately it seems that I think I am, constantly, until all I end up with is a bunch of small circles, spiraling outwards infinitely until I am so dizzy it seems impossible to find my way back to where I started.



Tonight I got a sweet honesty box message, it made me smile and appreciate the fact that the only bad messages I get are....from myself. ( I don't actually do this, obviously!!) But as a moral raiser, and a wake-up call, it worked. Thank you Katie.

"I think you are such a sweetheart. You are a damn smart girl with a lot of potential for good things in your future. You deserve the best as you are such a kind person and think of others, and help friends in need. You also party like a rockstar!! YEAAAAAAHHHH!! hehe I miss u hunnie, and i truly hope your days are bright and happy!!!

I've been gone and I'm not trying to come back, I'm just trying to get to a place that's better than this.

i took the train to Brighton, with an old suitcase and a camera

You are much too demanding and all I can think is;

"I just can't be bothered."

I say what I mean, mean what I say.

Do what I say, I will.

This is much too harsh.

What have I done?

Dear E.C.,

we are so alike it's uncanny....

do you notice it?

I liked taking the train with you today,

despite how quiet you are.

I could go for a nap right now.
We'll see how long my revelation keeps up, I don't mean to be pessimistic.
I think it will stick.

there is safety in obscurity

My stomach is killing me today. But I'm happier than I was, and capitals are back. Haha.

I miss my bed.

spinach dip, iced tea

these days, i have so much difficulty opening up to anyone who is not this blog, or him.

it just feels like nothing else is worthwhile anymore, i feel like a tool letting anything have so much control over me. But what does it matter? Tonight i'm undertaking a bad risk, for no reason other than it's been a while and i need time alone to myself, in some altered state of conscious, just to sort through things and try to get my feelings and my mind under control. i'm not expecting anything to come of it though, i've been aiming for control since july 9th. and for a while i thought i had it, too. but alas! my soul today tells otherwise.

and these days, i feel so alone in my suffering. i had a dream last night that billy was murdered while i watched in my back yard, i couldn't breathe. everyone i called was either busy or not picking up, i was throwing up and crying. maybe it's some metaphor for life awake, because i do feel isolated, but at the same time it seems like it was my choice to settle on some fucking deserted island. this isn't some weak form of passive agression, i'm not making a hint or sending a message. i'm only saying how i feel, and right now it feels like i'm incapable of loving anyone from anything other than a distance. i hope that is a good enough explanation.

"you can call me flower, i don't mind."

the beer is wearing off and i have no idea how to react to anything,

life seems so surreal and i can't feel a thing.

thinking positively in the afternoon

in a utopian world, we wouldn't have problems

What is the cost of rent, cable, food?

What is the cost of love?

four twenty

These days I am so tired,
I'm so sorry,
I feel so downhearted.

You deserve better from me, from everyone.

post number one hundred.

a list, because honesty is good;

1) I love personality tests.
2) When I was young I had a recurring fear of my DNA being stolen and copied.
3) I've kissed 2 boys.
4) My favorite liquor is vodka.
5) Five is my favorite number
6) I always have urge to chew on things, they usually end up being straws or necklaces.
7) I'm in love with the person who I have this in common with.
8) My bra size is 36 A.
9) I can't stand my nose, but I love my eyebrows and my lips.
10) There is maybe one or two people with whom I have a healthy relationship
11) I'm most afraid of waking up one day and not knowing anyone
12) I've had two paranormal experiences
13) I love driving at night
14) I plan to spend a part of my life in the Brazilian rainforest
15) When I die I want my ashes to be spread in the most beautiful places on earth

since i've always been the type to take stairs two at a time:

Life is like a box of chocolates.....

I'm trying to forget I ever bit into you,

I'm wondering if I should spit you out or not,

I'm sorry I misjudged you at first,

my cruel comments weren't right.

I always have to learn lessons the hard way, but as much as it hurts, I wouldn't choose any other way.

What you told me tonight broke my heart.

And you! I'll never be over you, it's much too late for that. I'm longing but trying to stop, it's not good to want something so bad.

You make me feel so inadequate, what you said to me on friday afternoon hurt like hell.

Just don't bitch comment like that, I get it from my mother enough already, as harmless as you may have meant it.

I miss you to no end, I sent you a message but I know you didn't read it yet.

And god damn it, you! Stop being so religious! You put your congregation before your family, I'm waiting for independance to weed you from my life.

.....and for the shocker.....I can't believe you hit me. But you pretend everything is fine now, I know you are not sorry and I know you won't change. So all that's left is for me to simply wait it out, I have no other option.

So in conclusion, if I were to compare all of you in my life to a box, it wouldn't be of chocolates.

More like a big junk collection of rocks and pins and antiques, some photos and best of all there is the occasional hunk of gold and that one fantastic chocolate covered caramel hiding, it's just a matter of having the guts to look.

Entry edited

Today my horoscope reads 97% wellness, 98% emotions, 83% intuiton, 69% work. Which is somehow ironic because tonight i don't feel particularly emotional or intuitive, i feel mostly fine and nothing more. almost like....how i would feel if i was a normal person who didn't have such drastic mood swings and opinions that contradict themselves, someone who can just BE without analysing and reacting over everything. i got my hair cut today, i'm really happy with it. i'm adding songs to my ipod but i won't clear everything off because it's just not one of those phases.

Friday inspired me to write more, but at the moment because i feel so stable, it's not sounding proper. Also, MY MOTHER IS A LUNATIC.

It's mid-august, I have the window rolled down and am not talking. My father hurridly parks the car and we walk in through the sliding doors, I walk ahead of him because he lets me. When we get to the room, I am surprised. It is full of people and everyone is solemn. My mother moves over and I sit down next to her on the couch. Someone keeps telling me to eat, I ignore them. The tension is unbearable, I am wishing this would be over so I can go back to sleep. I look around at the room, photographing the green couches and the coffee table and the books with my mind. Someone makes a feeble joke, a nervous laugh. We remain seated, unmoving until the door opens and a group of people in light blue clothing enter the room. Why are they crying? "He's gone," the doctor says. There is a collective gasp in the room and my stomach drops out of my body. I'm waiting for the doctor to admit his joke, but it never comes.
At this point I realise I should feel sad too, but all I can think about is how terrible I look when I cry.

to e or not to e, that is the question

"There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left"


Life has slowed down and become platonic and calm again. yet i think about my complexes more than ever now and the whole effects that everything has on me and what will reactions be, or will i even have a reaction? or will it all just be numb?
i don't know. But it doesn't really matter, because somehow i know that whatever happens, i'll mull it over and talk it over and sort it out, and THAT, my dear friends, is what I love to do.

he's my brandy alexander...always gets me into trouble

Zoe,

I can't think like you anymore.

wallowing in a pool of self-pity and anger

My mother is a fucking raging lunatic.
WHY THE HELL AM I STUCK WITH THIS?
My life is an utter and complete mess,
i feel so helpless and angry and and shirted lately,
all this is undeserved and it's


J
U
S
T

N
O
T

R
I
G
H
T

honesty written late saturday night.

Dear Heather,

Sometimes I think you try too hard. Sometimes I think you dumb yourself down to be cute without realising it. Sometimes I think you are not half as innocent as you pretent, sometimes I think all you really want is for everybody to love you and hate each other. Are you obvious? You have no backbone, you cannot say "no, I disagree,". It stems from the hatred for yourself that you carry around and try to hide. You tell people what they want to hear, you are so scrounging it makes me sick. You fish for compliments, you lie to your mother unnecessarily. You are stupid, stereotypical, the epitome of what you hate. How can you look at yourself in the mirror?




Because above all, you are a stranger.

waded out too far, lost sight of the shore

i remember the time i got lost in penny lane mall, i remember how much i loved the old brick apartment buildings downtown, the beautiful library and it's flower gardens. i remember biking to school in the spring and the river and green apples and loneliness. i remember the summer i didn't eat, and i didn't sleep, because i just didn't need to. i remember running away in the middle of the night, my dad came and looked for me in a park. i'd walked down to the playground, and sat with my head in my hands and cried. it was cold out but i couldn't feel a thing. i remember meeting you, all of you, and it's good we're still together, at least in some sense.

grey ice water trickling down your spine

one of those days where you feel surrounded by people but incredibly.... isolated.

nothing is good, only mediocre and everybody is going at each other with knives and tongues and there is nothing to do.

i can't believe i was lied to, the list of lies is growing longer than i can manage but i don't know what to do. "I miss you, heather". i miss the truth.

and as for you, i'm mad and hurt, you don't know, and i don't think you even suspect. we're drifting, drifting, drifting,

i'm done with trying to stop it. i feel like it is so one-sided, and if you are fine with letting it happen then it's not worth it for me to try and fix. life is a bitch that way, it's your own fault.

i'm swimming, there is anticipation of the rotation of people in my life... it's happening it's happening it's happening again.

"Never rode on the plains, never thought I couldn't stay

Had a good run anyway, had a good run anyway"

my empty inbox is stark confirmation.

Tell me you love me, i can't pretend i didn't. i remember the winter i went running in the country, with my white sneakers and a body of steel. was it last year? the year before then? the house smelled like vegetables, i remember the clock was so loud. time went slowly there, the mundane activities so much less vital. but i've healed since then.

"Heather, you look esquisite today"

that was what i wanted to hear, but after i did it hurt even more...

i was a child and she was a child

sometimes i wish i could gather up all my thoughts in a big basket, and then lay them all out and sort them out by colour and size.

then i'd file them away and keep them under lock and key, so they can't escape and haunt me.

and suddenly the past is a good story instead of a ball and chain

if my life is a story, you've been the villain, i've been the middle man and he's been the hero.

i am not doomed to spend the rest of my life idolizing people in a teeter-totter of emotions,

it's time to batten the hatches and open my eyes.