are you nervous?

I kissed a lot of people this weekend. Not the people I wanted to, and not the people I should have been. I didn't drink a lot, and maybe I should have. Maybe that would have made it easier.

I don't know anymore. I can't go back to the way I was, not even because I necessarily don't want to, but because I have somehow grown without knowing it and attatched myself to some higher self that doesn't go away. But this is oversimplified and I know you can't measure how good a person is by what they do and I am only just beginning to understand this.

But this isn't what I wanted to say but I feel like I can't write about it until it's over. Hindsight is all we've got. There is no insight in confusion and tentativeness. But something is changing, I can feel it and there is a certain understanding that has never been there before. Maybe I'll hit gold.