you are tripsy like always but you are cute so it's ok

I can't say i know exactly what tripsy means, but oh well. my body is devoid of all bad feelings, it's filled with mostly good thoughts and excellent, fresh, memories. my soul hasn't felt this good in a long time, its a beautiful change. change is good, change is good. repetition is enforcement, enforcement, enforcement. i love YOU (you know who you are).

i need you like a heart needs a beat/like man needs meat

...like the sky needs the stars/like an alcoholic needs the bar.

my friendship with sea kelp has been repaired. it was only a miscommunication. Last night i had a sort of...revelation. i was laying in my bed contemplating the fact that i couldn't feel your hand cupping my face anymore and basking in this horrible feeling when the most beautiful thoughts came flowing into my head. i say "flowing" instead of "popping,"for example, because essentially thats what it felt like- some great dam in my head had been opened and all these beautiful waters started running. i felt like i was living in a level of reality i'd never been to before, which is ironic because that is exactly what i felt this time last weekend. But it was different this time, i was alone and it was more about self-discovery as opposed to life experience discovery. they could i suppose be considered somewhat the same thing, but i'd argue that it's what you learn about yourself when you are in these experiences that matters. and matter it does, its the whole point of life, and that's all im doing, dramatic as it may be. it's life. Life! LIFE!

my baby's got the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight

i'm in love with a stranger named heather:"I remember thinking that it couldn’t be real, and at the same time feeling that nothing in my life had ever been so real."
i'm not alone, i'll always be my own company and this year i need to learn to be content with only that. i'll examine the scrapes on my knees and try to find out what the source of this deep, deep, unhappiness is. i can't rely on other people. i just can't, its not their burdens. my emotions need to stop being so dramatic, i'm just getting carried away and it's hurting me. maybe i'll meet claire again, but that would mean i'd have to be honest and it would be risky because she might not tell me what i want to hear. i couldn't lie, you can't lie to someone who knows and understands everything about you. i miss you.

Entry edited

i hope you find a gypsy queen, to make your body feel a little better

I would rather give the world away than wake up lonely. That is also untrue. Lies, lies, lies.
What I want most is just to feel safe.

i'm in love with a stranger named noelle

"what i know scares me way more than what i don't know, but i do know that i am more than just incoherent, but i'm also more than just a big mess of feelings. or maybe less. i don't know. "

are we breathing? are we wasting our breath?

It seems like it’s been awhile. I’ve got bruises up and down my body, my heart is a little banged up too, but I’d never felt safer and now I don’t know what to write. If I could replay our conversation, or at least just feel that comfortable with you again, all the time, my life would be perfect.

I wish I was the wind.

Again, my dreams last night seemed so real, but when I woke up this morning I wished they hadn't been because it only made me even more confused. I was hot and sweaty and didn't understand. I'm sure this is what it feels like to be an innocent man on deathrow. "Better to let 100 guilty men go free than to wrongly convict one innocent man,". The difference I suppose it that I'm trying not to resist lethal injection, because I know that I'm not guilty, and that's good enough. And to be dead and free would be a relief right now, I want to go back to sleep forever...

numb is the new high

I have a recurring nightmare where everyone I've ever know or had any contact with disappears. Tonight I guess I realised that it manifests itself in everyday life- maybe the freudian icebergs surfacing? Well I think this iceberg is melting. Global warming. Tomorrow I am going to sit in a park and write, and probably cry, and then I'll take the bus home and maybe get off a stop early to get my nails painted by a stranger, and the subsequent hand-holding will be the closest thing to human contact I will have after 1:50 tomorrow. Our hell is a good life. I'm so sorry, Allison.

i wake up in a room and realize i’m insane again

Divorce doesn't have near as bad an affect on kids as Oprah makes it seem. Seventeen minutes into the show and not one person has mentioned that it might be for the better that parents don't stay together. These fucking people have no idea what they're talking about. Ok maybe that's a little harsh. It just pisses me off that they are so focused on sending out a message that is ignorant, they haven't even explored the issue, just decided the position beforehand and using influence to change people's minds. I'm so peeved I can't even be articulate.

Sometimes I wish I could stop dying, but it's too late, I'm at the deep end with cement shoes, darling

The phone conversation tonight was so awkward, with a few long, silent, pauses. I think you thought my heart wasn't in it, I think you might be right. I'm a bad consoler, all that comes out of my mouth is essentially overused, typical shit. All I want is to know what exactly I want, but deep down I'm having trouble picking sides because I'm just too eager to please.

"And I suppose nobody can afford abstinence"

Aha that whole conversation this morning made me laugh so hard! It went somthing like this:
G: "What I don't understand is why anybody would have a baby in those conditions!!"
H: "Maybe they couldn't afford birth control?"
G: "{entry title}"

As I was on the bus, it occured to me that pretty much every life stage so far has something(s) that it is preoccupied with. Example: Elementary school was dominated by best friends and who was in which class, Junior high was all about bras and makeup, high school has to do with drinking, sex, and drugs, and I assume that soon life will be excited by mortgages and mutual funds etc. I don't know if that thought is depressing or just naive. Maybe this is too cliché...

We could always wait until it dies to revive it

I dreamt about you last night,

I don't even remember what exactly,

but when I woke up I felt very fond of you.

I'd missed liking you, so much!!

We'll see how long this lasts,

it might not go anywhere again.

Hmm.

Tonight I will write Allison a letter and maybe have some pumpkin pie and hopefully get all my homework done on time.

mother, don't worry. I got some money I saved for the weekend

Mother, remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor, fleas on their paws,
And you cried 'til the morning

I'm sure there is no music more beautiful anywhere.
I'd forgotten all the things I used to love,
the smell after it rains,
the beautiful colours in fall
the reddish in my hair,
how good it feels to be curled up with
my dog,
hiking with Isabelle.

I made a decision based on those things,
I know it's the right one.
The terrible phase of indecisiveness and feeling helpless is gone and it feels so good. So good.

Our hell is a good life.

I feel at peace, in a melancholic way.
There's been so much emotional turmoil, this is such a nice change. It's good to be removed from everything and feel somewhat blank. Both of you confuse me now. Three of you, actually. I don't like feeling like someone has me figured out, that is irritating.

But even as I type that, I don't really feel it.
Just blank. Blank, blank, blank.

what he says moments before

Current is being on the bi-monthly cycle of suddenly wanting to sever all ties and just leave this place and start fresh again. Right now I feel as if I'm sick of what I have and everything in my life has been exhausted and ruined, it feels very blasé.
Ug it seems all my blog entries lately are such downers and portraying someone who is very unhappy, I hope that is not actually the case.
I'm trying to focus on people who I know love me and realize what I have is good, but I'm so confused and de-motivated it just seems like such a good option to just push everything away and leave.
I'm so sorry, please know that I do appreciate all the beautiful people in my life. It's much too hard to talk outloud in complete sentences right now, or even sort through all this mess. Someone come on a trip with me, please, I need the company.

Deprived and depressed.

I need so much sleep,
more time,
some chocolate,
a good cry,
and for the weekend to come sooner.

(No subject)

I love this picture, it makes me laugh everytime I see it. "What a large tongue you have!"

I don't have much to say, my tooth hurts and I wish winter wasn't endless and coming closer.

I can't believe I just drank onion and garlic juice, without thinking. Civility where are youuu??

I feel as if I'm wasted, I wasted everyday

Lately my life seems to be so black and white, either it's beautiful or it's painful, and it teeters back and forth so easily. One comment or action changes it, so I'm constantly jumping back and forth between the two. Blogging is so hard these days, I have nothing to say and too much to think about. This weekend might will either be amazing or horrible. Yesterday was a close call. I feel so pale, I need some vitamins. But tanning will do.
I am drawn to listen to Jimmy Eat World.

(said with warm gusts of irony): it seems a gosh-darn shame

this weekend has been a blur of emotions. Yesterday I was bothered by the terrible thought that has haunted me since I left junior high-that I'm never really in people's lives, more on the outside, looking in. I need to do my homework, but I can't focus. Every weekend I tell myself it will be different. Oh man damn this seems like such a depression entry....I'll write about some happy news: I went bowling with Joey yesterday, I ate a dinosaur cookie from my childhood, I got along (well!) with her (G) and I bought new shoes that I'm in love with. Those facts aren't an accurate representation of what I'm feeling right now, I shouldn't have typed them. I think it's what the teacher was talking about in bio about gathering data to graph, how it has to be represent the actual thing whatever etc. etc. So in light of this, and also because I am cynical, I shall re-poison this entry: I was a newbie, such a newbie yesterday. I'm embarassed but hey! What does it really matter? Four months ago, even one month ago, I never would have thought that my life would be at all this way, but it is and I'm having trouble adapting. At the same time, I don't want it to be any different and I keep digging myself deeper in to this on purpose. I just got a comment from Abbey, it brightened my day and I'm considering erasing all of this. But no, I won't. It's good to get this pig shit out of my system. And it makes it more concrete, and it's easier to fight concrete things rather than abstract emotions. Thank god for beautiful people.

The sky was stretching so all you could see was blue.

I had an amazing day today, just amazing. There are beautiful people in my life, and for the record, there are people in this world who you can do crazy things with, and people you can't, and boy, Allison I am glad you are the former. The sentence structure of that sucked. I have two more things to say; one, tonight I realized that I am most happy when you (G) are miserable and that has terrible implications. And two, I've changed so much that I don't even recognize myself anymore, and I'm pretty sure there are about 8 different Heathers at the moment, depending on my feelings and who I'm with. Is that wrong?
ps. Sunday is looking to be a good day, even if I change my mind, I can always take it out.

The cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me

I have so many ideas and theories, but then I forget them all and then they never come back. When I was little I used to picture the thoughts over-lapping one another, drowning each other until all you have is this layered history, like rock almost, and it would be so useful if you could only go back and look at the old layers, and maybe extract some fossils.

Mama, mama, you make me feel so dejected.

I cried today, for the first time since the middle of summer. It had been such a good day up until that point. I can't even express how much I wish I lived alone. I'd move to Brazil and live in the amazon jungle, and maybe own a pet spider.

Leeking potato soup for supper.

Today was a very good day for me. Why? "Do you need a reason?" I don't. But there are some. I liked talking to people, or not talking, just listening. Casual conversations are always good. J makes me laugh. I'm drifting from M, speeding is maybe more like it. It's unintentional though. (In passing, I've decided to refer to people by initials just because it makes it more coherent, and {unfortunately?} less obscure.) I was so obnoxious and bold today, but I don't care. I drove with my father beside me in the car, we didn't say anything. Eavesdropping on people's conversations today made me think that this is the time in my life when I decide how to separate myself from all the stereotypes I hate because lately I think that I've been trying so hard to avoid being cut and dried like most of the world that essentially that's how I've become. But I can't tell if it's that or it's just me evolving. Note: As far as relationships go, the more I think about it, the more all my old fears come back, which I hate, because I thought I was better than that now.

Sweet cheeks you make me happy

There is so much I want to say but my dad is here so I'll write later.
I want a writer, a writer, a writer.

Pagan angel and a borrowed car.

I am so delirious with lack of sleep. My body hates me. My mother and I are on the rocks....everything she does irritates me no end. I can't explain to her how difficult she is to live with, she just doesn't want to hear it. It's all Heather's fault, she thinks, all heather' s problem. It is my fault and it isn't, either way I've just stopped listening and started smoking. I'm worried.

Thrash Unreal- Against Me!

I want a writer! I want a writer! I took this picture on the bus coming from Kelowna. If you look really close, you can see stuff on the window and the reflection of the camera.

Till death do us part

Nothing matters anymore. I was shaking tonight, I blamed it on the cold. It's funny, somethings I wanted so badly but now that they're close, I don't even care. What an over-reaction. This is fucking lame. I need to send G a text message. And pretend like I give a shit about that, too. I'm hiding, I'm hiding, I'm hiding.

Promise me, please.

When I woke up this morning I felt alone, I didn't find a reason. Then I went and waited 3 hours in a mall for the man who I hate most in the world. "Our destinies passed each other like strangers."

Sea of love- Cat Power

My brother is outside mowing the lawn. "Come with me my love to the sea, the sea of love." The house is empty. Tonight I want to leave here but instead I'll just drink and stay inside my own mind.

Oh my god.
I'm in shock.
All I can think about is the implications.
My arms are numb.
I hate this fucking blog.

We could do either on a whim

Today I had a better day than I've had in a long time. Everything went well, better than expected even, except the tea misto I got today had curdled milk. I always seem to get the sour milk. I love my eyebrows! I love Allison's eyebrows! I love eyebrows in general! I love talking, I love making plans, I love hotels on saturday nights with friends, I love feeling superior to conceited people, I love having plans to drive, I love not feeling anything at all. Somewhere in the unconscious of my mind, I truly believe everything will turn out ok.

This house does not feel like a home

It's been ten days since I've written in my journal.
I'm carving my name into the desk I sit at in social. Everyday I add a new letter, right now it reads; "HEATH". A few months ago, I never would have done that. Only once before have I gave in to the temptation. It was grade 7. I drew a cross on the tampon box in the bathroom. Somehow I thought that drawing something to do with god would cancel out my sin, because really! I mean, I was only spreading the word, right?

Smokey room I smell wine and cheap perfume

I don't have any strong emotions that create a need for writing. I'm more relaxed than I've been all day.
Allison walked with me to the train station,
Carly and I are planning a dance party for november 10th (YOU, reading this, SHOULD COME!)
Abbey makes me feel better,
and life looks so much brighter than it did yesterday.
Thaannnks...
"I had a dream you were the hunter,
I was the fox."

If I could only make a deal with god, get him to swap our places...

I'm sorry.
Really. I can't say that this year is anything like how I thought it would be. I didn't expect to be spending every SINGLE lunch hour franticly doing homework in the library, and I didn't expect that I would hardly have any conversations with the girl who last year I would have called one of my best friends. I have TWO classes with her and now I talk to her boyfriend more than I do her. Oh I miss it. And also? I suspect that my indecisiveness is not so much that as cowardice. I don't even recognize myself anymore, and on top of that the tension in my house is lessened, which you think would be a good thing, but really it's just even more confusing. I haven't seen Claire in over 3 months. I wonder what she thinks. And I'm really moody and grumpy and please don't pay attention.

I want you to notice....when I'm not around.

Fuck I feel sickkk today. And when I woke up this morning, my sentiments regarding that last post were different. Somehow I guess I'm just over it. Whatever.

When I see a sunset now, I'm just looking at a painting in a cheap motel.

Tonight was a little disappointing, but it was my own fault and that's how I thought I wanted to play it and so there it is. But then I changed my mind. You were nervous, I could tell.

Unless I'm wayy off on this one?

Ok. I'll try to be more coherent (I like using this word now).

There's two possible situations:

1. I'm dead wrong and this is no big deal and it's just my inexperience exaggerating everything...

Or,

2. I'm dead right but just have no clue, and this time it is due to my "so-called life experience."

Maybe things aren't this black and white, of course it's probably some gray area in the middle of the two, but I'm hoping that with time the right colors will seep through.

Will you feel nothing at all?

I had a really good time. And it definitely taught me some things;

1. The trick to solving my problems with myself lies in stopping to try so hard to impress and please. It's true that I'm trying, and it really shouldn't be that way at all, and it's up to me to change it.

2. I didn't think it was possible to love Abbey Bennet any more than I already did, but somehow I do and it feels good. And it feels good to say so!

3. Quentin Tarantino drops acid.

4. There is nothing more great and terrible and wonderful as honesty in it's purest form, if it even exists, but either way it's the truth and I think there's comfort in knowing that.

5. It's not cool to yell fucks on the street. At your mother. Or mother in-law. And vice versa. Just don't do it.

If I flew for you, you'd still be standing there.

World's shortest pessimistic poem

"Hope?
Nope"

If I cried for you, it would just be water.

In short:

When I came in today the kitchen was flooded. Someone forgot to turn the tap off after the dishwasher was done.

I’m getting new glasses.
My pupils are SO dilated right now…Robyn sent me a text message and I couldn’t read it, it was incredibly blurry. I couldn’t see anything.
My mom started crying downtown today, she’s so emotional. I feel bad. But I want to stay out of this.
I got a job offer. Not counting me offering to work at Purdy’s. The lady at the optometrist was trying to recruit me. And she told me so.

I'm working tomorrow, but I'm not wanting anything to happen. Any anticipation is bullshit. Let's live life in the moment. My cousin is fine, she reached her mom this morning.

"Life is serendipitous"

Today I decided I will never reproduce, not ever. Nobody in my family has good relationships with each other. Yesterday I was giving my mom advice and talking to her like an equal, today I’m taking a detached stance. This whole family is full of wayyy too much emotional baggage and people who skirt around issues. Yuck. Also, my cousin is apparently missing after an earthquake in Indonesia, and she can’t be reached. And I found this all out just now.

"Life is ambiguous"

Coming from a middle-aged high school english teacher. Oh yes, that's wise.
I'm so into conversations today. I'll quote all the time. "Imitation, then, is one instinct of our nature. Next, there is the instinct for harmony, and rhythm, metres being manifestly sections of rhythm." I hate when people try too hard on their image. It seriously pisses me off. I can't say why exactly, though. Also, now I think I understand what it feels like for a paraplegic to start walking again. Every step feels like a marathon. I'm impressed with myself that so far I haven't dipped this whole thing in dry ice, is it? Whatever that stuff is that they use to make creamsicles. And make them freeze fast. Like in Austin Powers? But I like creamsicles.

I was fucking with the ghosts

I wanted to throw up today. I hoped I might bump into you and you’d ask me what I was doing and I’d tell you all about my exciting life, but I didn’t see you and there’s only so much I can exaggerate. So I took the c-train and categorized people and guessed where they would sit. It worked. Conservatives sit with their backs to you, Indie, egotistical teenagers who are together pretend like they’re not and sit across the isle from each other, and homeless people seem to like sitting near people- maybe they’re lacking human contact? But anyways I was very late and pushed very hard to get my father out of my life and as far away as possible. Even seeing him for 5 minutes pretty much taints my whole night. God, I wish I had normal problems. Wait, I do.

No one ever just started drinking black coffee from the start.

I ate too much way too fast, but for the most part I'm content from my cerebral cortex, regardless of the previous entry and the work ahead. "Don't sweat the petty, pet the sweaty".

"Why did you start blogging? It was cheaper than therapy."

Lately you have been fucking pissing me off. And your wife. What the hell is going on? It's not my fault you had a bad childhood, and I can't help the fact that her family is in Ontario. I'm not a pushover, and it's totally childish to try to take out your feelings on me. And it's lowly. I don't need it and seriously would have yelled at you for it if the consequences were only going to impact me. Two years? It's been THREE WEEKS and there's already major problems. If you have issues with jealousy then they're yours to deal with before you start picking on a fiveteen year old who never did anything wrong to you. Oh and would you kindly be able to tell your wife to stop controlling my life?!?! Don't know what I'm talking about? Here's an example: "You can't eat that. It's past 8 'oclock and you didn't have supper." What is it to her if I want some carrots after 8? What kind of pathetic woman cares so much about the eating habits of someone she doesn't even know, enough to try and tell them what they can or cannot do? Another example? Here: "Don't whiten your teeth. You're still too young. And don't even think about getting a tattoo, it'll stretch when you grow and you'll regret it." Who is she to dictate that? And she's not even right. God, get your facts correct before you go out preaching them. THE SKIN ON MY FOOT IS NOT GOING TO GROW. And I'm sorry to tell you that the dentist knows a little bit more about teeth than you do. Idiots. There is no way if my mother died that I'd come live with you. I'd die too first.

Back when cooks cracked eggs with one hand

Are social recluses actually even happy?
I'm thinking that maybe they're trying to escape something that holds them together. And it's not so bad after all. Everything is what you make of it. If all people were too scared to congregate in fear of bombs or violence or crime, how would the world ever function, how would people ever be content just living by themselves in fear?
I really don't think that's even a logical solution.
Also: "if given the choice, would you rather (a) only abide by the rules and morals of society that you personally agree with, or (b) have the power to slightly adjust the rules and morals that currently exist? (but these adjustments would then apply to you AND everyone else, all the time)"

APEC

It's friday and it's dark and cloudy and I'm sulking because I have no plans other than hanging out with Joey. As much as I love him, I'm still disappointed. One thing that I always liked about myself was the fact that I didn't need other people to make me happy, but now I can't tell if it's there of if it's gone and please forgive me for being obnoxious today, or don't. If you do it should be because it's unimportant. Please. Even worse is that I don't even have anything to mull over, or rather I do but I won't let myself. The grass in the apartment buildings down the street is so soft and it sinks when I walk on it. I hate the brown grass that's dying, it pokes.

Funniest thing I've ever seen.

Fear of emotional constipation.

After yesterday, I tried to dry it out and it was working but then you came and flooded it again with just a sentence.

DAMN YOU!!!!

The kind of person who always takes the stairs

We weren't fishing for compliments. I was giving and receiving them, and it was genuine and we both left happy. I think only once you let go of superficiality and insecurities can you really see beauty, and appreciate it and exchange it freely without trying to grab at it and keep it for yourself. I thought about what Doris said, that I was striking but not beautiful, and if it's true, but either way it doesn't matter. Also? I was right! There's a change in you, and it's hard to tell because we only talked for a few seconds, but it gives me hope and it makes me happy. If change is possible in you, it's possible in me, and we can change it together because it's not just us, it's the whole world and let's hope it's for good.

I love the way you dress, the way you make a mess.

I'm getting sick.

School starts today.

In my mind I'm already fast forwarding and I can't stop rewinding and I'm never really playing anything in real time. I'll try to take it as it comes, this'll happen slower than everything else this summer, although maybe it wasn't such a bad thing, like swallowing medicine quick. I'd go through this with you in a heartbeat.

On another note, I'm still not sure what happened or why or how this even makes sense. I can't get a straight answer out of you, but maybe it's better that way because even if you could explain it to me, I still wouldn't understand because we just don't see eye to eye. Probably because one of us have a lazy eye, or are blind, or both, or neither.

"He had the odd, jumpy quality of someone who'd spent a lot of time alone."

Foolish fool to think it could have lasted forever.

I'm grounded. I'm so sorry.
Everything is ruined.
"He was one of those short, skinny kids with pasty white skin; he always wore black which made him look half-dead, or half alive, depending on how optimistic you were."

This is where the rest of your life starts.

I was so embarassed today, and now I'm confused and a little bit angry.
What difference does it make?
There is no logic in that. WHATSOEVER.
And then apprehension!!
About tomorrow!
Let's beat this shit down to the ground, fuckers!

On the news they said the world had changed

I have nothing to say.