its a shock/its a cock-block

Here's a thought...

WHAT THE HELL!
WHATEVER.
WHAT
EVER.
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER.
fuck was i.

i'm wondering...

if it's possible to have changed a large part of your identity and still remain the same person. Or at least a version of who you were. Is it like chemical compounds where the removal or addition of any element changes the compound to be almost unrecognizable? Or am I something unchanging and solid, simply being fine-tuned?

something I've learned...

everything always seems more appealing when it's your choice, as opposed to something that just...happened. I never like feeling like a victim of a situation, feeling lowly and helpless. It's the difference between being locked out and leaving...the result is the same but the causes and reasoning behind it oppose each other. Choosing is being responsible for something and following a natural path but not to the point of conciously trying too hard. It was just completely necessary and something I was compliant to do, or be, or become. But I'm not talking about drinking.

leave your toys at home, billy

I'm internalizing. It's been days since I've had a heart to heart with anyone other than this blog. And even that in itself is fine by me. I'm becoming more stable, please don't expect responses from me.

jesus christ almighty

today was better. more productive anyways. i realize that you are the kind of person who holds on to things from the past, wanting them to last for longer and thinking of ways to make it so, but i'm more the type to rush through it, waiting for better times and better places and that's what gives me hope. Neither of them are better than the other, it's equal and they are more alike than you'd think because the basis is that... right now isn't good enough.

blogging everyday without fail

I'm crying because I feel emotional and nauseous and depressed and it's all too much to handle. I fucking hate my mother, more than anyone can imagine, and I hate you for being so god damn annoying with your fucking laugh and silence, and I hate you for never answering me and letting everything die, I hate myself because I should be stronger than this, I hate life. I hate hate hate everything in this fucking world, it's morose and unfair, it's sick and it's not right. I hate how stupid this sounds, my writing right now is inarticulate and juvenille. I really don't want to be here right now, he got out the easy way on a pedestal and never having to face the consequences of a mother and a father like that. Why couldn't it have been me?

for people who love..

here we go again

My mom will not be back tonight until 2:30 and I want to do something so badly! But there's dance exams in the morning and its sunday and everyone is going to sleep. I need something to look forward to and something to motivate me, my mother it feels is crushing my post-secondary dreams and I'm making this right now harder for myself than ever. What is it worth? It's been almost six months, nothing has happened and I could go through this for another six months, or years, or I could somehow let go and move on. But how? Is it even something that I have any control over? Damnit and what else is there out there? Come on heather. Grow up and open your eyes. Are we breathing? Are we breathing? Are we wasting our breath? Cursed with a love that you can't express... Let's deal with this, NOW! Blow it back into proportion and file it away, in some dusty cabinet that can only be opened with a rusty key..

no, this is how it works..

"You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again"

written late last night

I think this is the confirmation I've been waiting for, it feels fantastic and good but now I don't know what to do with it. It wasn't what I wished for, but it's just as good, better, even, depending on which way you look at it. Tomorrow I am going to leave my hair curly and wear the green sweater and tell him about my new theory on life and perspective. Tonight, however, I'll bask in; "He thinks you're the bees' fucking knees."

a good start to the month

"well let me just say i like talkin to ya cause ur wise, warm-hearted, and years ahead of ur time and age."

Thank you.

Sixteen sixteen sixteen you are coming at me faster than ever.

What does this mean, I ask you?

don't say anything, but...

I cleaned my room and thought that these books were very representative of my life and it's aspects. I hate not being in your life anymore, I've said it before but it feels so one-sided. I don't know what's going on and when I try to talk to you it feels like you just want to let ....things.....slide.
Do you want that? Do I? I hope this will fix itself, maybe it's just laziness or being overwhelmed on your part, but maybe it's for the better. I don't love you, not to the same degree that I once proclaimed. We're just growing up and apart and I can't beat myself up because of your choice.

in retrospect...

I can't get out of my head the idea and theory that everything is relative and only exists in magnitude and in relation to other things...nothing is absolute by itself. And by nothing I mean myself and other people. It all depends on where you are looking from, and your interpretation.

I'm feeling the deep longing that plagues me every weekend, and during the week too. Why is this so difficult?

Today I went out with four other people, for once I didn't mind being another wheel. It's nice to feel wanted.

heather, what you may not know about me

Today after school I went down to kensington by myself and looked around the stores. It was...the invention of solitude. It was dark out by the time I got home, and I fought with my mom on the way to the school.

More and more I am realising that this time is only temporary, and whether I love it or hate it, it has to fade at some point and I subsequently have to come to terms with that.

why the hell not

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. see previous 5468441 blog entries.
2. What happened? I feel like the feeling isn't mutual.
3. I'm worried about you, so sorry for first impressions. Glad you went to get help.
4. wish i knew what you really thought of me. i'm glad i met you, despite the rough patches.
5. i was so wrong about you, but now i can't tell if you are transparent of very very good at manipulating. Despite that, I think I love you.
6. I'm so over you, there is hardly a friendship even.
7. You are such a rad guy, I love talking to you and hope that despite your past you can still find happiness.
8. What have you become? We don't talk as much anymore, I don't like picking up your slack.
9. It's....mediocre. My incredible mood swings have too big an impact.
10. We are so alike it's scary. I feel like I can relate to you, we're in the same boat at least.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. hate mushrooms and olives
2. love my job
3. trying not to be so emotional
4. I see myself as an odd mix of naivity and bitterness
5. i don't sleep well
6. i don't sing in the shower
7. neko case
8. the land vs. the view?
9. still don't love anyone fully

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. WIT!
2. on the same emotional/intellectual/moral/human level
3. Be HIM
4. teach me things
5. jokes
6. independance
7. beautiful eyes and height
8. interestingness

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Alot:
1. I am freezing
2. Where are my keys?
3. metaphysical concept translation into physical reaction
4. why did i just say that?
5. implications consequences feelings
6. parental hatred
7. pray this goes smoothly


Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. snap judgements and hurtful remarks
2. be an ass...when I act like an ass
3. no backbone
4. go on a pay as you go plan
5. many stupid things
6. give you second and third and fourth chances

Five Turn Offs:
1. Stereotypical bs
2. not showering
3. pushing it too hard
4. unatractiveness
5. irritation

Four Turn Ons:
1. Kind hearted
2. Laugh easily
3. Easy to talk to
4. Open

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. :hearts:
2. :omfg:
3. :confused:

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Love
2. Write

One confession:
1. I have no idea who the hell I am anymore

wondering if truly you are merely as beautiful as i believe

Things to love: new music, something to be excited about, having motivation again, tentative options.

Things to not love: girls who can spell "bitch" but not "stomach", confusion, messy rooms, no sleep, tim's health.

Entry edited

"But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing It’s getting away from you again While you’re chasin’ ghosts"

you could have my heart any day, heather.

This weekend I realized that I invest way too much on what happens over the weekends, I put too much in store and get dissapointed far too easily, and excited and emotional over trivial things. It's like another life, when I'm there sitting down at the bar, my experiences/reputation/personality is so out of wack that I don't know myself. I don't during the week either, but hey... Anyways I still can't decide what to do, everyday is bi-polar and rocky, and I mean it to the fullest extent of those words. The days just seem so much longer and dramatic, I'm almost craving my boring existance that life was before july 9th, but how can you go back? Life would be so much easier if I had someone to go through it with me.

are you punishing me? It feels like you are. I'm sure you're angry, probably hurt, but spite isn't working. Fuck me, I made a mistake but COME ON. Is it worth killing this for? Are we dying? I miss you. I miss being loved. I want to tell you, but I'm scared you won't care. Or worse, that you'll say nothing.

I'm numb. I don't recognize myself. Apparantly, neither do other people. "Who's in there? OH MY GOD! You? Hahahah!" What do I even want out of this hell of a life?

On Thursday night I had an encounter with a stranger: it basically ended up with her telling me to be careful what I wish for. For some reason it hit me then, that every time 11:11 rolls around I always wish, and it's not coming true, but do I really want it to? Consequences, implications, feelings. Let's just think about this.

Heather Adams is.....

worried about her feelings, their implications, consequences etc.




I'M BACK!





I wish I could say it and mean it. But the truth is that I don't think I'll ever be able to function as the Heather that I was before. I don't think it's something returnable. If anything, it's an evolution, a coming full circle. But how do you know when you've came "full circle"? Lately it seems that I think I am, constantly, until all I end up with is a bunch of small circles, spiraling outwards infinitely until I am so dizzy it seems impossible to find my way back to where I started.



Tonight I got a sweet honesty box message, it made me smile and appreciate the fact that the only bad messages I get are....from myself. ( I don't actually do this, obviously!!) But as a moral raiser, and a wake-up call, it worked. Thank you Katie.

"I think you are such a sweetheart. You are a damn smart girl with a lot of potential for good things in your future. You deserve the best as you are such a kind person and think of others, and help friends in need. You also party like a rockstar!! YEAAAAAAHHHH!! hehe I miss u hunnie, and i truly hope your days are bright and happy!!!

I've been gone and I'm not trying to come back, I'm just trying to get to a place that's better than this.

i took the train to Brighton, with an old suitcase and a camera

You are much too demanding and all I can think is;

"I just can't be bothered."

I say what I mean, mean what I say.

Do what I say, I will.

This is much too harsh.

What have I done?

Dear E.C.,

we are so alike it's uncanny....

do you notice it?

I liked taking the train with you today,

despite how quiet you are.

I could go for a nap right now.
We'll see how long my revelation keeps up, I don't mean to be pessimistic.
I think it will stick.

there is safety in obscurity

My stomach is killing me today. But I'm happier than I was, and capitals are back. Haha.

I miss my bed.

spinach dip, iced tea

these days, i have so much difficulty opening up to anyone who is not this blog, or him.

it just feels like nothing else is worthwhile anymore, i feel like a tool letting anything have so much control over me. But what does it matter? Tonight i'm undertaking a bad risk, for no reason other than it's been a while and i need time alone to myself, in some altered state of conscious, just to sort through things and try to get my feelings and my mind under control. i'm not expecting anything to come of it though, i've been aiming for control since july 9th. and for a while i thought i had it, too. but alas! my soul today tells otherwise.

and these days, i feel so alone in my suffering. i had a dream last night that billy was murdered while i watched in my back yard, i couldn't breathe. everyone i called was either busy or not picking up, i was throwing up and crying. maybe it's some metaphor for life awake, because i do feel isolated, but at the same time it seems like it was my choice to settle on some fucking deserted island. this isn't some weak form of passive agression, i'm not making a hint or sending a message. i'm only saying how i feel, and right now it feels like i'm incapable of loving anyone from anything other than a distance. i hope that is a good enough explanation.

"you can call me flower, i don't mind."

the beer is wearing off and i have no idea how to react to anything,

life seems so surreal and i can't feel a thing.

thinking positively in the afternoon

in a utopian world, we wouldn't have problems

What is the cost of rent, cable, food?

What is the cost of love?

four twenty

These days I am so tired,
I'm so sorry,
I feel so downhearted.

You deserve better from me, from everyone.

post number one hundred.

a list, because honesty is good;

1) I love personality tests.
2) When I was young I had a recurring fear of my DNA being stolen and copied.
3) I've kissed 2 boys.
4) My favorite liquor is vodka.
5) Five is my favorite number
6) I always have urge to chew on things, they usually end up being straws or necklaces.
7) I'm in love with the person who I have this in common with.
8) My bra size is 36 A.
9) I can't stand my nose, but I love my eyebrows and my lips.
10) There is maybe one or two people with whom I have a healthy relationship
11) I'm most afraid of waking up one day and not knowing anyone
12) I've had two paranormal experiences
13) I love driving at night
14) I plan to spend a part of my life in the Brazilian rainforest
15) When I die I want my ashes to be spread in the most beautiful places on earth

since i've always been the type to take stairs two at a time:

Life is like a box of chocolates.....

I'm trying to forget I ever bit into you,

I'm wondering if I should spit you out or not,

I'm sorry I misjudged you at first,

my cruel comments weren't right.

I always have to learn lessons the hard way, but as much as it hurts, I wouldn't choose any other way.

What you told me tonight broke my heart.

And you! I'll never be over you, it's much too late for that. I'm longing but trying to stop, it's not good to want something so bad.

You make me feel so inadequate, what you said to me on friday afternoon hurt like hell.

Just don't bitch comment like that, I get it from my mother enough already, as harmless as you may have meant it.

I miss you to no end, I sent you a message but I know you didn't read it yet.

And god damn it, you! Stop being so religious! You put your congregation before your family, I'm waiting for independance to weed you from my life.

.....and for the shocker.....I can't believe you hit me. But you pretend everything is fine now, I know you are not sorry and I know you won't change. So all that's left is for me to simply wait it out, I have no other option.

So in conclusion, if I were to compare all of you in my life to a box, it wouldn't be of chocolates.

More like a big junk collection of rocks and pins and antiques, some photos and best of all there is the occasional hunk of gold and that one fantastic chocolate covered caramel hiding, it's just a matter of having the guts to look.

Entry edited

Today my horoscope reads 97% wellness, 98% emotions, 83% intuiton, 69% work. Which is somehow ironic because tonight i don't feel particularly emotional or intuitive, i feel mostly fine and nothing more. almost like....how i would feel if i was a normal person who didn't have such drastic mood swings and opinions that contradict themselves, someone who can just BE without analysing and reacting over everything. i got my hair cut today, i'm really happy with it. i'm adding songs to my ipod but i won't clear everything off because it's just not one of those phases.

Friday inspired me to write more, but at the moment because i feel so stable, it's not sounding proper. Also, MY MOTHER IS A LUNATIC.

It's mid-august, I have the window rolled down and am not talking. My father hurridly parks the car and we walk in through the sliding doors, I walk ahead of him because he lets me. When we get to the room, I am surprised. It is full of people and everyone is solemn. My mother moves over and I sit down next to her on the couch. Someone keeps telling me to eat, I ignore them. The tension is unbearable, I am wishing this would be over so I can go back to sleep. I look around at the room, photographing the green couches and the coffee table and the books with my mind. Someone makes a feeble joke, a nervous laugh. We remain seated, unmoving until the door opens and a group of people in light blue clothing enter the room. Why are they crying? "He's gone," the doctor says. There is a collective gasp in the room and my stomach drops out of my body. I'm waiting for the doctor to admit his joke, but it never comes.
At this point I realise I should feel sad too, but all I can think about is how terrible I look when I cry.

to e or not to e, that is the question

"There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left"


Life has slowed down and become platonic and calm again. yet i think about my complexes more than ever now and the whole effects that everything has on me and what will reactions be, or will i even have a reaction? or will it all just be numb?
i don't know. But it doesn't really matter, because somehow i know that whatever happens, i'll mull it over and talk it over and sort it out, and THAT, my dear friends, is what I love to do.

he's my brandy alexander...always gets me into trouble

Zoe,

I can't think like you anymore.

wallowing in a pool of self-pity and anger

My mother is a fucking raging lunatic.
WHY THE HELL AM I STUCK WITH THIS?
My life is an utter and complete mess,
i feel so helpless and angry and and shirted lately,
all this is undeserved and it's


J
U
S
T

N
O
T

R
I
G
H
T

honesty written late saturday night.

Dear Heather,

Sometimes I think you try too hard. Sometimes I think you dumb yourself down to be cute without realising it. Sometimes I think you are not half as innocent as you pretent, sometimes I think all you really want is for everybody to love you and hate each other. Are you obvious? You have no backbone, you cannot say "no, I disagree,". It stems from the hatred for yourself that you carry around and try to hide. You tell people what they want to hear, you are so scrounging it makes me sick. You fish for compliments, you lie to your mother unnecessarily. You are stupid, stereotypical, the epitome of what you hate. How can you look at yourself in the mirror?




Because above all, you are a stranger.

waded out too far, lost sight of the shore

i remember the time i got lost in penny lane mall, i remember how much i loved the old brick apartment buildings downtown, the beautiful library and it's flower gardens. i remember biking to school in the spring and the river and green apples and loneliness. i remember the summer i didn't eat, and i didn't sleep, because i just didn't need to. i remember running away in the middle of the night, my dad came and looked for me in a park. i'd walked down to the playground, and sat with my head in my hands and cried. it was cold out but i couldn't feel a thing. i remember meeting you, all of you, and it's good we're still together, at least in some sense.

grey ice water trickling down your spine

one of those days where you feel surrounded by people but incredibly.... isolated.

nothing is good, only mediocre and everybody is going at each other with knives and tongues and there is nothing to do.

i can't believe i was lied to, the list of lies is growing longer than i can manage but i don't know what to do. "I miss you, heather". i miss the truth.

and as for you, i'm mad and hurt, you don't know, and i don't think you even suspect. we're drifting, drifting, drifting,

i'm done with trying to stop it. i feel like it is so one-sided, and if you are fine with letting it happen then it's not worth it for me to try and fix. life is a bitch that way, it's your own fault.

i'm swimming, there is anticipation of the rotation of people in my life... it's happening it's happening it's happening again.

"Never rode on the plains, never thought I couldn't stay

Had a good run anyway, had a good run anyway"

my empty inbox is stark confirmation.

Tell me you love me, i can't pretend i didn't. i remember the winter i went running in the country, with my white sneakers and a body of steel. was it last year? the year before then? the house smelled like vegetables, i remember the clock was so loud. time went slowly there, the mundane activities so much less vital. but i've healed since then.

"Heather, you look esquisite today"

that was what i wanted to hear, but after i did it hurt even more...

i was a child and she was a child

sometimes i wish i could gather up all my thoughts in a big basket, and then lay them all out and sort them out by colour and size.

then i'd file them away and keep them under lock and key, so they can't escape and haunt me.

and suddenly the past is a good story instead of a ball and chain

if my life is a story, you've been the villain, i've been the middle man and he's been the hero.

i am not doomed to spend the rest of my life idolizing people in a teeter-totter of emotions,

it's time to batten the hatches and open my eyes.

summer has came and summer has gone, your christmas cards can't comfort me

EVERYTHING IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT.

i drive my car really fast and get to Cleveland that much sooner.

"friendships can be repaired."
i saw how you looked at me today,
i was crying from laughing with someone else.
my heart stopped and sunk.
BRAKE AND ANCHOR.
That's the ticket!!
i don't know it's implications and consequences yet,


the problem with this though is that my complex with being unreliant on people and doing things for myself has just been strenghtened, not to mention the fact that trust has been shaken up, and is this a universal feeling of say what you mean, mean what you say? Arg.




on another note, i can't decide if i'm bored in school or just inherently lazy. all i really want to do is nothing, or everything i guess. it just feels like i'm wasting my time with unimportant assignments that really add nothing to my life. the problem with living fully is that once you have it's hard to go back to a half-assed existence. last year i didn't know any better so it wasn't hard, but now i just want to skip the boring bits and jump right to the action, my soul feels like it's wasting away being spent copying notes about things I don't care. it wouldn't be so bad if there was something clear that I did care about, but because there's not and i'm all confused and pressured it makes everything much much more difficult to decide upon.

a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul, you fix it with your smile and wo ai ni

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet

and a freight train running through the middle of my head

Only you can cool my desire

I'm on fire

I am loved i am loved i am loved.

tonight i couldn't feel my legs properly, they felt all weak and shaky.

i can't believe he told you, i thought he was so ashamed. maybe because he was high.

i couldn't have been more surprised, but i'm so glad. it's not a secret, i trust you i trust you.

the world is full of kindred spirits, it's just a matter of finding

and recognizing them. it took a lot of fucking heart to say something, thank you.

so let's lay down and talk and talk, the sun will come up and i won't go to school. HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR DAYS? I used to save them, kept them in my account. Now, i give them away freely. No discount coupons here.

And you! you have my heart, but i'm not prepared to wait and i know you won't. "It's not right," you said, not about yourself but it must apply anyways. can you (reading this) tell what i'm talking about? i can't tell how clear this is. it doesn't matter anyways. it's all gibberish, gobbledygook! it's a stewing pot of thoughts and feelings, the recipe was in another language so you guessed the ingredients! i'm a bit dissapointed, but friends are friends and nothing more, nothing less. i'll always be the young girl, the young one, the young one. i'm so lucky.

so lay me down in that open field out on the edge of town

WRITTEN ON THURSDAY: i'm pretty sure I have some sort of complex that makes it so whenever the weekend comes up, i get so focused on it that i can't concentrate on anything else. i'm worried. oh well. it's not as if I don't have people i can count on, it's just that...well, i don't know. There are better things i could focus on that happened today, such as finally having a good conversation with you and being pleasantly surprised at how similar we are. you said it yourself. and you told me you'd been lonely, and my heart went out to you and major regret sank in. i should have, could have, would have, done more for you. i knew there was some reason i'd been drawn to you in september. also, i could focus on what went down in safeway today, my part in it, it's implications.

WRITTEN TODAY: Oh madelaine! Oh madelaine! i don't understand. All i need is for you to hug me and say that we're ok. i don't understand it. i'm going to go to bed and listen for the answer. "when i was little i used to think i knew everything. now i know more and i still know everything" it's not true. i know nothing. i don't know what i want, more importantly: i don't know what i need, and of uttermost importance: i don't know who i am.
someone who's friends confuse them? someone who is known for being both innocent and shitfaced all the time? someone who tries too hard to feel liked? someone who is ok with stealing shit? I don't know if this is just obliviousness or naivety because i'm not like you noelle, i need people. I need them! i'm striving for that obscure beauty that exists in taking mundane things and capturing their importance. my thoughts are all scrambled, this is certainly the most cracked and raw they have been in a while. claire where are you? And YOU! your presence lingers in my mind like the stench of cheap perfume and campfire and old wine. it's suffocating me and i can't breathe properly. everything is always tentative with you and me and everybody else, there is never anything concrete and it stinks of indecsiveness and it irritates me.

I had a dream this morning, i was driving in the car with my mother and she drove off the edge of the road and off a cliff. For a second or two, we hung in midair like smoke before disappearing down the valley. it hurt when we died.

She made herself a pair of orthopaedic shoes

She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues

She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues

But she walked with a limp

you are tripsy like always but you are cute so it's ok

I can't say i know exactly what tripsy means, but oh well. my body is devoid of all bad feelings, it's filled with mostly good thoughts and excellent, fresh, memories. my soul hasn't felt this good in a long time, its a beautiful change. change is good, change is good. repetition is enforcement, enforcement, enforcement. i love YOU (you know who you are).

i need you like a heart needs a beat/like man needs meat

...like the sky needs the stars/like an alcoholic needs the bar.

my friendship with sea kelp has been repaired. it was only a miscommunication. Last night i had a sort of...revelation. i was laying in my bed contemplating the fact that i couldn't feel your hand cupping my face anymore and basking in this horrible feeling when the most beautiful thoughts came flowing into my head. i say "flowing" instead of "popping,"for example, because essentially thats what it felt like- some great dam in my head had been opened and all these beautiful waters started running. i felt like i was living in a level of reality i'd never been to before, which is ironic because that is exactly what i felt this time last weekend. But it was different this time, i was alone and it was more about self-discovery as opposed to life experience discovery. they could i suppose be considered somewhat the same thing, but i'd argue that it's what you learn about yourself when you are in these experiences that matters. and matter it does, its the whole point of life, and that's all im doing, dramatic as it may be. it's life. Life! LIFE!

my baby's got the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight

i'm in love with a stranger named heather:"I remember thinking that it couldn’t be real, and at the same time feeling that nothing in my life had ever been so real."
i'm not alone, i'll always be my own company and this year i need to learn to be content with only that. i'll examine the scrapes on my knees and try to find out what the source of this deep, deep, unhappiness is. i can't rely on other people. i just can't, its not their burdens. my emotions need to stop being so dramatic, i'm just getting carried away and it's hurting me. maybe i'll meet claire again, but that would mean i'd have to be honest and it would be risky because she might not tell me what i want to hear. i couldn't lie, you can't lie to someone who knows and understands everything about you. i miss you.

Entry edited

i hope you find a gypsy queen, to make your body feel a little better

I would rather give the world away than wake up lonely. That is also untrue. Lies, lies, lies.
What I want most is just to feel safe.

i'm in love with a stranger named noelle

"what i know scares me way more than what i don't know, but i do know that i am more than just incoherent, but i'm also more than just a big mess of feelings. or maybe less. i don't know. "

are we breathing? are we wasting our breath?

It seems like it’s been awhile. I’ve got bruises up and down my body, my heart is a little banged up too, but I’d never felt safer and now I don’t know what to write. If I could replay our conversation, or at least just feel that comfortable with you again, all the time, my life would be perfect.

I wish I was the wind.

Again, my dreams last night seemed so real, but when I woke up this morning I wished they hadn't been because it only made me even more confused. I was hot and sweaty and didn't understand. I'm sure this is what it feels like to be an innocent man on deathrow. "Better to let 100 guilty men go free than to wrongly convict one innocent man,". The difference I suppose it that I'm trying not to resist lethal injection, because I know that I'm not guilty, and that's good enough. And to be dead and free would be a relief right now, I want to go back to sleep forever...

numb is the new high

I have a recurring nightmare where everyone I've ever know or had any contact with disappears. Tonight I guess I realised that it manifests itself in everyday life- maybe the freudian icebergs surfacing? Well I think this iceberg is melting. Global warming. Tomorrow I am going to sit in a park and write, and probably cry, and then I'll take the bus home and maybe get off a stop early to get my nails painted by a stranger, and the subsequent hand-holding will be the closest thing to human contact I will have after 1:50 tomorrow. Our hell is a good life. I'm so sorry, Allison.

i wake up in a room and realize i’m insane again

Divorce doesn't have near as bad an affect on kids as Oprah makes it seem. Seventeen minutes into the show and not one person has mentioned that it might be for the better that parents don't stay together. These fucking people have no idea what they're talking about. Ok maybe that's a little harsh. It just pisses me off that they are so focused on sending out a message that is ignorant, they haven't even explored the issue, just decided the position beforehand and using influence to change people's minds. I'm so peeved I can't even be articulate.