spinach dip, iced tea

these days, i have so much difficulty opening up to anyone who is not this blog, or him.

it just feels like nothing else is worthwhile anymore, i feel like a tool letting anything have so much control over me. But what does it matter? Tonight i'm undertaking a bad risk, for no reason other than it's been a while and i need time alone to myself, in some altered state of conscious, just to sort through things and try to get my feelings and my mind under control. i'm not expecting anything to come of it though, i've been aiming for control since july 9th. and for a while i thought i had it, too. but alas! my soul today tells otherwise.

and these days, i feel so alone in my suffering. i had a dream last night that billy was murdered while i watched in my back yard, i couldn't breathe. everyone i called was either busy or not picking up, i was throwing up and crying. maybe it's some metaphor for life awake, because i do feel isolated, but at the same time it seems like it was my choice to settle on some fucking deserted island. this isn't some weak form of passive agression, i'm not making a hint or sending a message. i'm only saying how i feel, and right now it feels like i'm incapable of loving anyone from anything other than a distance. i hope that is a good enough explanation.