If I don't make it, know that I loved you all along.

You could compare letting go of someone to ripping out the hooks that have attached themselves to your soul, each hook being something about you that I’d loved. One by one you have to rip out the hooks or forever be held back by them. I think that’s how it is. Maybe I let you become too much a part of me and be connected to you in a way that I shouldn’t have, but I can’t decide if it was worth it. Is the unbearable bleeding I feel worth the tiny bit of joy that I had? Its so hard to handle, and the fact that its self-inflicted in the way that I’m making myself do this is making it all the worse.

My writing has gone to shit, I can’t do it anymore.

Slept in and did nothing.

The snow outside made it impossible for me to get to school today, the buses close to my house aren't running. This would probably be a pointless entry, were it not for the text I saw yesterday; "Iloveyou.Lifewithyouisgoingtobelikenon-stopmarsbars." I don't know why there were no spacings, and it took me a while to figure out what it said, but when I did the gravity of it hit me immediately. It impacted me so much, the meaning of it and how I could seriously feel the LOVE they feel coming through that phone. It felt too private for me to be there, as if somehow I wasn't supposed to have caught a glimpse of that feeling. I don't think I've ever seen love like that.

It seems like I am slowly being exposed to all the adult things in the world that before I knew nothing about. Taxes, insurance, love, sex, caesars. I hope it never gets old.

You'll go far...

Don't judge me. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about. You don't know anything, and I don't know why you think you have the right to do this. This excludes if you have something kind to say, in which case I'll take into consideration your opinion.

On the other hand, I have a decision to make. I need to decide how I'd feel in a couple years if after all I've been through, another option came up and I'd chosen not to take it. The problem is though is that another option isn't the clear pathway that it seems. I'm bound to be saddled with consequences no matter what. Which is kind of depressing.

Four hundred and forty-eight days till I leave. Approximately.

Never let anyone drag you around, Heather

Day-to-day things:

I am currently chewing 7 pieces of gum.

Yesterday night I finished watching "Blood Diamond."

This morning I saw the movie 10 000 BC.

From Friday till today, I spent a total of 24.5 hours with g. And we did not have a sleepover.

I've discovered a love for cesars, with extra celery.

I've spoken to you five times. It is too much but not nearly enough.

I've wanted to cry so many times this week, but somehow I can't make myself and so I am left with a deep ache, for my problems, and for yours, and for the world's.

Feeling like an april fool

I cannot wait to get out of here, bringing you with me. Something about having you around makes me feel whole. And in my element. I don't need to tell you that. And I feel calm.

Dear Heather: where have you gone?

I am angry and confused. I do not want to have to go to school tomorrow to face life. In fact, I do not want to do anything but lay in my bed and think. The problem is that floodgates never simply leak...they always break down and then the flood comes. I don't know how I would survive without them though. Still, I feel as if I'm drowning in everything...your face and her words and the silence...I cannot come to terms with the silence. This storm of hurt and anger is brewing and I'm helpless to do anything but sit and watch, because I am sitting in the eye of it all.

To put it bluntly

I guess what I've been through could be compared to being stabbed..I succesfully managed to pull out the knife and stick on a band-aid, but now I'm scared to peel it off to see if there is even a scab forming, for fear of making it worse. I'm in the dark. And really, not knowing it so much worse than being wrong.

Deep Red Bells

I don't know what to say.

I've fallen asleep again.

And I don't remember what I was awake for.
I don't know.

tangled webs

Where do I start? I can't sort out the things that have been circulating in my mind lately. Strings. Isn't it ironic that something that takes months and months to build up can be destructed in a matter of weeks? Was it my fault? Was it my choice? Did I make the right one? Contemplating how you never hug me goodbye anymore...I don't know what to think. Letting go and starting over isn't nearly as hard or as easy as you would expect. I think it just goes on a day by day basis. There's no general guidlines as to how to do this. Some days I feel as if Im drowning in everything. Not often, though. Yesterday I had an amazing day. Day by day. It's passing. You don't know anything.

The needle has landed

Im so confused about my own emotions right now.

There are three things I know:

1. You make me happy

2. I can never act upon this again.

3. If I did, the consequences and hurt would increase exponentially.

I need to move past this, I really really do. But it's hard to be so tough on yourself. But my future and happiness and best friendships are at stake, and I can't let one type of feeling overrule the rest. I just don't know how not to.

Never pleased to see you

Even relief isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be,

problems seem to follow me around even when I thought I'd escaped them.

It's going to be different this time.

I just wish I'd known.

so give me coffee and tv...

I am so hopeful.

At the exact point when I was ready to give up, things got exponentially better. I feel as if I've been dragged through the bush and it felt like hell but thank god it's over and will never get like that again. The incredible hole in my chest doesn't hurt so much anymore.

I'm ready to start over.

And start over without you.

Waking up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

i've seen so much i'm going blind

I came to school early today with the intention of finishing up some work, but my thoughts got the better of me and so I am here. There are some things I need to get straight with myself. First is that impact of the coming changes in my life, and the fact that I feel no need to open up these changes to you. After last night my life will never be quite the same, and that is both scary and exciting.

Second is the difference I see in myself now when I am with you. If I've ever been too hurt or scared to open up, that feeling is gone. While I was distracted, I gave you a huge part of myself, and you didn't drop it. I am so thankful.

Third is that I need to get a definitive answer about my future, and at least get some closure to go on. Coming to terms with something isn't nearly as bad as not knowing, always wondering and being tentative. I need to have a labelled box in my mind where I can store all of our conversations, instead of continuing to run them through my head again and again and getting no where.

Fourth is that I need to decide what to do with myself. Should I repair the burnt bridges? Keep building the ones that I started? Is it even worth it? Most of all though, I need to do something to squash my fears of being a product of the environment. I can't look in the mirror and see my mother or father, because suspicions like that are completely unfounded.

Fifth is that I need to make a decision about my independance. I need to stop pretending, stop having such high expectations that anyone who falls short get a kick in the ass. If I learned anything, it's that ass-kicking can backfire and hurt. A long time ago I wrote; "I don't want to be alone, I just want to be happy," and now I have to live accordingly. Besides, the most perfect people I know are ones that at first seemed incredibly flawed.

But anyways, that took longer than I expected. But I'm not sorry, it was something that needed to be said.

February twenty-ninth

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered in moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green-an alien planet.

and history repeats itself again

under the knife

I was worried about getting old, but I thought and realized that my life has always been more pre-occupied with day-to-day things, and the panic of getting older becomes just a passing thought that slips in once in a while before getting brushed off. Why should that ever change? Besides, there must be some comfort in knowing that one day we'll wake up forty.

I won't be writing in here much longer. The stony silence of the internet is hurting me.

wading in the velvet sea

I fell asleep in the car when we were driving back to this city, in a car full of friends I love, and my life made sense. I'm excited.... for the future. Personne ne peut retourner et commencer au début, mais n'importe qui peut commencer aujourd'hui et faire une nouvelle fin.

There she goes, there she goes again.

You'll spend your whole life running, running without ever thinking about what it is that you are trying to get free from, and when you stop and look back, you realise that all along you've been running in circles and the very thing you tried to get away from is what you are heading towards. But I don't like to think about this because it makes me get a knot in my stomach

Last night I dreamt I killed someone and then got tricked into hiding the knife somewhere that would leave my fingerprints. I was so scared to get caught, but on some level I wasn't scared so much as angry, because I knew that I could do better, run faster, be smarter. I can't stress enough how different things are, and how much you don't know me anymore, and that I really don't want you to.

Funniest cashier ever

"Air miles or club card?"

"Nope."

"Alright here's your receipt, you saved 99 cents today."

"Thanks."

"Go buy yourself a pair of shoes with that....Or a pony.....No, buy a house, you could make a mortgage payment, you know."

When you think it is pure thought

You are like someone who would let me have the black jellybeans, someone who would be happy to go nowhere and just be, someone who would tell me things I don’t know and ask me things I’ve never been asked. You are like no one I’ve ever met.

Emotive

With absolutely no reason,

I am happy.

We are the sum total of our choices

There are some rare moments in my life where every small detail or forgotten memory suddenly come rushing back to me and there is a second of euphoria, or clarity or insight. Suddenly I remember the fabric of your shirt, the dance we had and how somehow in our self-discovery and loss of innocence there was something so pure and fragile. Everyday I am dreaming but in those moments I am awake, and it is by those moments that I will live my life.

These empty metaphors, they're all in vain

You left it

I sent it

I want it back

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings

Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin

This plan of mine is oh so very lame

Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains?

nothing there

rsvp regrets only

"I regret that I can't come

I regret the moment we met

and the way you pretended

I regret the sun that day,

it's warmth so artificial,

and I regret the way pain

has taught me nothing.

I regret this invitation,

it's phony formality, it's ink

coming off like sin

on my clean fingers.

Since the day I met you,

I regret everything."

The house is so quiet for once. The alarm that woke me up this morning was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. The walls are like mufflers, I could scream and no one would hear it.

When you've only got time you gotta leave behind

At one point I did have something to say about you and what went down, but I over-thought it and can't seem to find a reason. Was it my fault? Was it yours? Did you see it coming? I'm happy for you, I truly am. And if I can't cope with you in person then at least know that I still care.

On the other hand, I am completely and finally willing to let it die. Lengths don't happen when you're not willing to swim. At this stage I am over drowning while waiting for you, not willing to accept that you've already got up and left. And that's fine, it really is. Just as long as you don't expect me to not to leave. Enough of these lies, what you said you'd do you didn't and I'm trying not to hate you. I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying. Apathy is never desirable.

under twenty one feet of mississippi rain

clear water
flowing over
pale skin
down
blue limbs
past
red knees



green towel
now
white clothes
all to hide
a
black heart

bother

Private? Yes, my mom found out about this blog and googled me. MY MOTHER GOOGLED ME. That cannot be natural.




I spent the day at the library studying. Everything feels clear. There is something beautifully platonic in things such as frozen dinners and coffee and being alone and not realizing you ever had it any other way.

I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half

I wonder why you visit me so much

and never say anything

you stand on the doorstep

unmoving

"its cold," I say

"do you want to come in?"

but you don't answer

you're not looking at me

only past

go to the coast

I thought I was handling this, pushing you out of my mind, filing away somewhere, but then you show up in my dreams with your friends and that longing that comes in the morning tells me that I'm not. I'd still kill to be the hero and the right one, at least in the conscious world.

liberation

"I made a list of things I have

to remember and a list

of things I want to forget,

but I see they are the same list."

There is something within me that has changed, not in the way I thought it would.

your the nicest thing

“It may sound strange, but I’m glad to see you cry. It means you are still alive inside.”

if i could change this world then i'd turn it completely upside down

There is an incredible searing pain in my chest and it has an element of nervousness. I feel ripped open and exposed. Today at the gym I saw someone who looked so much like you, and I stared and willed it to be you and for you to come talk to me, but it wasn’t and you didn’t.

I tried calling but I got your voicemail, like I always do.

"i had made a friend like i'd never known who made me feel like i was a special someone.

he cared like i had never done,

why oh why didn't, didn't i just phone?

and now i'll never know what was wrong,

but there must have been something i could have done.

andy's smile was a mia child and his drink was guinness i think.

andy's walk amused us all and he was mystifying.

i didn't really know him that long, compared to some a,

compared to a sense of loss like i had never known, and what was important, i was completely wrong.

and if i could change this world then i'd turn it completely upside down."

even a blind man could get used to never seeing

Some days are better than others. Today is a hard day, I get a sharp pain when I breathe in, my mind is useless and keeps running over the same things constantly. Over and over and over again. I distort all our conversations and make myself say the things I wish I had, I make you laugh more and you hug me harder. I should be maintaining that hope, letting it sit and fester, watering it occasionally, but I guess there just comes a point where facades for your own sake just don’t work. It has to be genuine, and I’m sure eventually I’ll wake up and the intensity of this will have diminished and I can be happy and hopeful again. Only a few more weeks to go, with any luck.

more than ever i feel like a child

I hate that terrible sense of panic I get when I go back and read old entries of mine, and for a second I realise I have no fucking idea what I was talking about, at all, but then I think about it harder and it comes back to me. That's the risk of obscurity I guess. I'm dying to get back on that emotional rollercoaster, I know that I am better prepared to deal with it, if only given the chance. I have so much anger built up towards people, at some point I know I'm going to need to let go and feel the pain underneath it, but for now though I'm not ready. I just miss my life.

epitome epitome epitome

Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in
winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye





I'm trying not to buy into any particular mindset, because now I realize that one is not better than the other. Every view is flawed, and you have to see it as a whole, and in relation to everything else. But in doing so there is still a dilemma because you have to act and in acting you have to favor one thought-line over the other. To clarify: DRUGS ARE BAD VS DRUGS ARE FINE. But which do you act upon? So where does that leave me?



Tomorrow I turn sixteen.

bad ideas:

-signing online knowing no one else is on just to feel alone
-crackers with no water
-calls straight to voicemail

we could always wait until it dies to revive it

just so we could say we survived it.

if hope wasn't such an obscure, abstract concept I'd feel better. Until I've come up with some theory to get me through this, it's unsolved.

ruling out mediocrity as cod....

I've realized that my days are at the point of complexity that they cannot be categorized as purely good or bad, not all the elements fit nicely into black and white, instead it would be more accurate if I could break it down and sort all small things into the greyscale accordingly. But to do that would take too much time, and right now I don't even want to try.

I've been remembering my dreams again, they are...simply put, haunting me. There is no way that all the images of my life would be able to co-exist together, so I guess its just a reaction to the polarity of things. I don't like it though.

anger is for losers.

Don't be bitter! I hate when things get so comfortable that you forget that thats what they are and start settling for that because it's not even conscious. Good thing that's not happening anymore. Because our relationship...was comfortable, it was boring, it was a misfit. But don't be angry about it, it's not worth it. We are just two different people with different experiences and goals and views. Opposites attract, but in the end it's what people have in common that keeps them together. Goodnight.

its a shock/its a cock-block

Here's a thought...

WHAT THE HELL!
WHATEVER.
WHAT
EVER.
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER
WHAT
EVER.
fuck was i.

i'm wondering...

if it's possible to have changed a large part of your identity and still remain the same person. Or at least a version of who you were. Is it like chemical compounds where the removal or addition of any element changes the compound to be almost unrecognizable? Or am I something unchanging and solid, simply being fine-tuned?

something I've learned...

everything always seems more appealing when it's your choice, as opposed to something that just...happened. I never like feeling like a victim of a situation, feeling lowly and helpless. It's the difference between being locked out and leaving...the result is the same but the causes and reasoning behind it oppose each other. Choosing is being responsible for something and following a natural path but not to the point of conciously trying too hard. It was just completely necessary and something I was compliant to do, or be, or become. But I'm not talking about drinking.

leave your toys at home, billy

I'm internalizing. It's been days since I've had a heart to heart with anyone other than this blog. And even that in itself is fine by me. I'm becoming more stable, please don't expect responses from me.

jesus christ almighty

today was better. more productive anyways. i realize that you are the kind of person who holds on to things from the past, wanting them to last for longer and thinking of ways to make it so, but i'm more the type to rush through it, waiting for better times and better places and that's what gives me hope. Neither of them are better than the other, it's equal and they are more alike than you'd think because the basis is that... right now isn't good enough.

blogging everyday without fail

I'm crying because I feel emotional and nauseous and depressed and it's all too much to handle. I fucking hate my mother, more than anyone can imagine, and I hate you for being so god damn annoying with your fucking laugh and silence, and I hate you for never answering me and letting everything die, I hate myself because I should be stronger than this, I hate life. I hate hate hate everything in this fucking world, it's morose and unfair, it's sick and it's not right. I hate how stupid this sounds, my writing right now is inarticulate and juvenille. I really don't want to be here right now, he got out the easy way on a pedestal and never having to face the consequences of a mother and a father like that. Why couldn't it have been me?

for people who love..

here we go again

My mom will not be back tonight until 2:30 and I want to do something so badly! But there's dance exams in the morning and its sunday and everyone is going to sleep. I need something to look forward to and something to motivate me, my mother it feels is crushing my post-secondary dreams and I'm making this right now harder for myself than ever. What is it worth? It's been almost six months, nothing has happened and I could go through this for another six months, or years, or I could somehow let go and move on. But how? Is it even something that I have any control over? Damnit and what else is there out there? Come on heather. Grow up and open your eyes. Are we breathing? Are we breathing? Are we wasting our breath? Cursed with a love that you can't express... Let's deal with this, NOW! Blow it back into proportion and file it away, in some dusty cabinet that can only be opened with a rusty key..

no, this is how it works..

"You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again"

written late last night

I think this is the confirmation I've been waiting for, it feels fantastic and good but now I don't know what to do with it. It wasn't what I wished for, but it's just as good, better, even, depending on which way you look at it. Tomorrow I am going to leave my hair curly and wear the green sweater and tell him about my new theory on life and perspective. Tonight, however, I'll bask in; "He thinks you're the bees' fucking knees."

a good start to the month

"well let me just say i like talkin to ya cause ur wise, warm-hearted, and years ahead of ur time and age."

Thank you.

Sixteen sixteen sixteen you are coming at me faster than ever.

What does this mean, I ask you?