I came to school early today with the intention of finishing up some work, but my thoughts got the better of me and so I am here. There are some things I need to get straight with myself. First is that impact of the coming changes in my life, and the fact that I feel no need to open up these changes to you. After last night my life will never be quite the same, and that is both scary and exciting.
Second is the difference I see in myself now when I am with you. If I've ever been too hurt or scared to open up, that feeling is gone. While I was distracted, I gave you a huge part of myself, and you didn't drop it. I am so thankful.
Third is that I need to get a definitive answer about my future, and at least get some closure to go on. Coming to terms with something isn't nearly as bad as not knowing, always wondering and being tentative. I need to have a labelled box in my mind where I can store all of our conversations, instead of continuing to run them through my head again and again and getting no where.
Fourth is that I need to decide what to do with myself. Should I repair the burnt bridges? Keep building the ones that I started? Is it even worth it? Most of all though, I need to do something to squash my fears of being a product of the environment. I can't look in the mirror and see my mother or father, because suspicions like that are completely unfounded.
Fifth is that I need to make a decision about my independance. I need to stop pretending, stop having such high expectations that anyone who falls short get a kick in the ass. If I learned anything, it's that ass-kicking can backfire and hurt. A long time ago I wrote; "I don't want to be alone, I just want to be happy," and now I have to live accordingly. Besides, the most perfect people I know are ones that at first seemed incredibly flawed.
But anyways, that took longer than I expected. But I'm not sorry, it was something that needed to be said.
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