In the past few days I've been happier than I'd been in weeks. But it's all an ego trip.

Neko Case never fails

In the end I was the mean girl

Or somebody's in-between girl

Now it's the devil I love

And that's as funny as real love

I'm not happy but I can't bring myself to say anything.

missed 11:11

Tonight was a wake up call in the form of a slap on the face. I told myself I wouldn't use this blog to complain, but it seems like I have nothing else to say. I feel like a fool...so foolish. Walked down the street in high heeled boots and a dress, wanted to cry but didn't have the heart. And yet it hasnt really taught me anything, here I am with my makeup still on, holding onto a vain hope. And for what?

I used to think I was so smart, smarter than everyone else in the world. But while I was growing up-keeping my eye on it, it snuck up behind me and knocked me out cold. I've been such a fool. How many times does it take to get it right? I wish I could go back.

you are what you love

Tomorrow is my dad's wedding. A lot has happened. Most importantly I think I've realized that I am far too easily moved from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, resulting in chronic bi-polarness and unease. It happened at the same time last year too. I think I'm just going to try and stop putting all my eggs in one basket. Also, I've started caring less about the inevitable outcome of this and more about the moment. Which is how I'd like to live. It took a lot of letting go to get to this point.

I'm sick of thinking about my feelings. I was happier the way things were before.

My body aches

So. Second time yesterday. Well third I guess if you count last winter. I don't know what to think. Feel naive. And secretly I wonder if I am being made a fool of. I never know what to do unless someone tells me, and even then I still don't know what to do so most of the time I end up just being idle and letting things run their course. When they go badly I complain and then I don't know how to fix it. I feel so lost these days. I underestimated everything.

Learn to swim

Hmm. Well that's that. I feel so much calmer than I would have expected of myself. And I do believe I feel happy. This weekend was fucking good. I am so short on sleep.

With you on my mind

and my heart held in your hands

Screaming

Break me

Break me

Everything I want to say about this has been said before and I'm not that naive to think I'm special after all.

Only the brave and open dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humaness.

Do I have it? This is the question that has been begged to be asked since the beginning of this blog. Here goes.

nixon

I am so sick of everything. It finally came to a head... I just feel so angry. I tried opening up to my mother, tried telling her things that I would normally never do and letting her in on a part of myself that had always remained closed. I felt obligated to take that chance and open up... and at first glance it seemed fine, but after two weeks she has turned around and thrown everything back into my face, judging and controlling and breaking me down. I feel so foolish. And the cynical part of me is taking over..I don't want to fight it.

How can someone tell me I am wrong? Tell me what I should do with my life and my relationships? Impose their judgement and taint the situation with venom and malice?

She said it so forcefully...and it makes me wonder how a mother can be the participant in stripping her daughter of everything that she loves in her life. For the sake of pride? To teach me a lesson? Revenge or jealously?

I have to cling to the part of myself that knows this isn't right...the part that knows the difference between something like love as opposed to pride and a misplaced sense of self-righteousness.

cosmic girl

There is a permanent sad feeling in my chest. And it doesn't have a reason for being there. It's not like I'm unhappy with my life, necessarily. I'm unhappy with my mood swings and the complete insecurity of every constant in my life right now. I'm floating and just waiting to fall.

Whenever I write it sounds so depressing. I'm not like this all the time. I'll just never be the beauty in the backwards cap again.

You came along

Look at the stars

look how they shine for you

and everything you do

yeah they were all yellow

your skin

oh yeah your skin and bones

turn into something beautiful

Unrelated, and yet I don't believe I'm as happy as I convince myself I am. Is it negative thinking? No.

I think it's just being completely honest with myself. I am doubtful and when I look around, I don't feel that my eyes are veiled. Maybe I'm just not as good as the rest of the world when it comes to fooling myself.

illusion never changed into something real

My dreams are so vivid and in them things are the way they are supposed to be. Or so I always thought. It's hard being blind and alone and I guess I never gave myself enough credit of ignorance. A few weeks ago those dreams would have made my heart beat faster but now they just slow it so all I feel is a slow, aching, thud.
I wonder if anything more could make it slow to a stop.
Please no.

and all the places we used to go

I feel like crap. Wow do I ever.

Ugh! It's fine though.

Also: I put in my two weeks.

I'm not ready for school to start. I need to pull myself together and fix some things first. Maybe it's better this way. From an academic perspective at least. From a human perspective, I totally fucked myself over...and am in isolation.

breathe me

You are a feathery stroker and I'm awkward at doorways. And I can't wait to kiss you again.

LA lights don't shine quite as bright as in the movies

Late at night everything seems amplified. Or maybe during the day it's just minimized so we can get on with life. But a two o'clock in the morning when I'm reading your words and feeling the way your emotions pour out it's unparalleled. Everything is so raw and powerful and beautiful in a pitiful way. It hits me hard to see someone so torn up and yet they are so lucky. Can you love someone without being with them? Pretty much the epitome of an oxymoron. I don't know what to tell you but I have my own situation to think about and that's exactly what it makes me do...and then I get lost in it and in you and when I wake up there are tear marks on my face and yet I am smiling.

sink of blood and crushed veneer

FUCK YEAH.

Surprisingly I don't have any psychoanalytic shit today except to say I think this will go far.

Why am I swearing so much? I think I just feel passionate.

good gracious ass is bodacious

Something is very wrong with me. I don't know what it is but I am distinctly different than this time last month. I think my head is catching up with the change but my heart isn't and I feel like I'm living recklessly.

I test drove a VW today.

Fuck me.

I'm terrible at standard.

I've been swearing a lot today.

What the hell is happening?!

Frozen hands and frozen time

I am so in love with the fact that my favorite thing to do these days is think.

Maybe you think too much. Maybe I do too. Maybe I'm thinking about all the wrong things.

Going over the part of my mind that is scared and worried, listening to the what ifs and doubting what I want.

What do I really want? I want a car. I want you. I want to be beautiful. I want to be successful. I want everything to turn out fine and I want to always be happier awake than asleep.

graveyard

"you came round

inside the pitch black of your coffin

in the ground

you let your ghost

leak through the earth

above your grave

and coast around

to find your love

that you left behind

inside of this old town"

It's like I'm just waking up.