With you on my mind

and my heart held in your hands

Screaming

Break me

Break me

Everything I want to say about this has been said before and I'm not that naive to think I'm special after all.

Only the brave and open dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humaness.

Do I have it? This is the question that has been begged to be asked since the beginning of this blog. Here goes.

nixon

I am so sick of everything. It finally came to a head... I just feel so angry. I tried opening up to my mother, tried telling her things that I would normally never do and letting her in on a part of myself that had always remained closed. I felt obligated to take that chance and open up... and at first glance it seemed fine, but after two weeks she has turned around and thrown everything back into my face, judging and controlling and breaking me down. I feel so foolish. And the cynical part of me is taking over..I don't want to fight it.

How can someone tell me I am wrong? Tell me what I should do with my life and my relationships? Impose their judgement and taint the situation with venom and malice?

She said it so forcefully...and it makes me wonder how a mother can be the participant in stripping her daughter of everything that she loves in her life. For the sake of pride? To teach me a lesson? Revenge or jealously?

I have to cling to the part of myself that knows this isn't right...the part that knows the difference between something like love as opposed to pride and a misplaced sense of self-righteousness.

cosmic girl

There is a permanent sad feeling in my chest. And it doesn't have a reason for being there. It's not like I'm unhappy with my life, necessarily. I'm unhappy with my mood swings and the complete insecurity of every constant in my life right now. I'm floating and just waiting to fall.

Whenever I write it sounds so depressing. I'm not like this all the time. I'll just never be the beauty in the backwards cap again.

You came along

Look at the stars

look how they shine for you

and everything you do

yeah they were all yellow

your skin

oh yeah your skin and bones

turn into something beautiful

Unrelated, and yet I don't believe I'm as happy as I convince myself I am. Is it negative thinking? No.

I think it's just being completely honest with myself. I am doubtful and when I look around, I don't feel that my eyes are veiled. Maybe I'm just not as good as the rest of the world when it comes to fooling myself.

illusion never changed into something real

My dreams are so vivid and in them things are the way they are supposed to be. Or so I always thought. It's hard being blind and alone and I guess I never gave myself enough credit of ignorance. A few weeks ago those dreams would have made my heart beat faster but now they just slow it so all I feel is a slow, aching, thud.
I wonder if anything more could make it slow to a stop.
Please no.

and all the places we used to go

I feel like crap. Wow do I ever.

Ugh! It's fine though.

Also: I put in my two weeks.

I'm not ready for school to start. I need to pull myself together and fix some things first. Maybe it's better this way. From an academic perspective at least. From a human perspective, I totally fucked myself over...and am in isolation.

breathe me

You are a feathery stroker and I'm awkward at doorways. And I can't wait to kiss you again.

LA lights don't shine quite as bright as in the movies

Late at night everything seems amplified. Or maybe during the day it's just minimized so we can get on with life. But a two o'clock in the morning when I'm reading your words and feeling the way your emotions pour out it's unparalleled. Everything is so raw and powerful and beautiful in a pitiful way. It hits me hard to see someone so torn up and yet they are so lucky. Can you love someone without being with them? Pretty much the epitome of an oxymoron. I don't know what to tell you but I have my own situation to think about and that's exactly what it makes me do...and then I get lost in it and in you and when I wake up there are tear marks on my face and yet I am smiling.

sink of blood and crushed veneer

FUCK YEAH.

Surprisingly I don't have any psychoanalytic shit today except to say I think this will go far.

Why am I swearing so much? I think I just feel passionate.

good gracious ass is bodacious

Something is very wrong with me. I don't know what it is but I am distinctly different than this time last month. I think my head is catching up with the change but my heart isn't and I feel like I'm living recklessly.

I test drove a VW today.

Fuck me.

I'm terrible at standard.

I've been swearing a lot today.

What the hell is happening?!

Frozen hands and frozen time

I am so in love with the fact that my favorite thing to do these days is think.

Maybe you think too much. Maybe I do too. Maybe I'm thinking about all the wrong things.

Going over the part of my mind that is scared and worried, listening to the what ifs and doubting what I want.

What do I really want? I want a car. I want you. I want to be beautiful. I want to be successful. I want everything to turn out fine and I want to always be happier awake than asleep.

graveyard

"you came round

inside the pitch black of your coffin

in the ground

you let your ghost

leak through the earth

above your grave

and coast around

to find your love

that you left behind

inside of this old town"

It's like I'm just waking up.

are you nervous?

I kissed a lot of people this weekend. Not the people I wanted to, and not the people I should have been. I didn't drink a lot, and maybe I should have. Maybe that would have made it easier.

I don't know anymore. I can't go back to the way I was, not even because I necessarily don't want to, but because I have somehow grown without knowing it and attatched myself to some higher self that doesn't go away. But this is oversimplified and I know you can't measure how good a person is by what they do and I am only just beginning to understand this.

But this isn't what I wanted to say but I feel like I can't write about it until it's over. Hindsight is all we've got. There is no insight in confusion and tentativeness. But something is changing, I can feel it and there is a certain understanding that has never been there before. Maybe I'll hit gold.

elevator love letter

Legs look a lot like tree trunks.

Ironman is playing in my head.

Some days this house feels so empty. The music echos.

And suddenly I realise that time is almost up. I knew this was coming, but strangely I don't see myself panicing. Only watching from the outside and taking it calmly.

Eleven months is not a long time. Half an hour is a long time. Two days is a long time.

I can't tell the difference between weekend plans and deciding what to do with myself. I wonder if I even care anymore.

slipped away

I'm trying to keep my mind from going into that dark place. My heart is throbbing and I just can't hold myself up. And I cut off my hair. Last night I dreamt my great aunt Anna was dying and I knew it. She asked me to make her a last ham and cheese sandwhich but I forgot and then she died.

what happened here?

I can't motivate myself to say what I want to in a way that makes sense or means something. Facts are facts and I think we should leave it at that. But it's human nature to judge. When I say I don't know I don't actually mean that. I do know, and I know that things are too complicated to put in such a small box. I've said this before and I still think it's true.

waking to the sound of car alarms

Wicked headache. I'd like to go back to bed.

thought pigeon had a "d"?

I don't know what to write about anymore. "What is the most constant thing in your life?" I say it doesn't matter. The textbooks, the smell of gasoline, sound of paper bags and the looks that say everything, really don't mean anything.

but you don't really care for music, do you?

I suspect I only like him because he reminds me of someone else I used to know. Which is kind of troubling but I'm not going to do anything about it. And so I'm back on the same emotional roller coaster. I don't know why I do this to myself. I guess it's kind of fun. I don't know.

I fell asleep during the lightning storm last night thinking about it. He doesn't look at me the same way the other did. You'd think distinctions like that would help sort things out, but really it just makes the whole picture become scribbled with lines that cross over and don't match up. And then you lose what it was that you were trying to see in the first place.

Apart from everything, this week has actually been pretty good. I woke up to an empty house. I got my AP marks back...a four and a five. I started driving alone again. It's been nice weather.

That's all.

there was a time you let me know

what's real and going on below

but now you never show it to me, do you?