A fox trot above my head

I keep thinking dirty thoughts :o

And about chemistry too I guess. Apparently organic chemists have a life expectancy of 10 years less than the average. Shit eh.

I got so high last night.
I want to be anybody but myself, I'd do anything to get out of this skin.
I don't know why. I just want someone to come in and do everything for me.

When you think about it, blogs are kind of self-centered aren't they?

My real problem

Is that I feed on negativity. You wouldn't know it, but somehow I always give into it. It's a constant struggle from letting the dark part of my mind take over. I don't know why. There is never anything wrong.  It's like I get some sort of sick thrill from picking apart all the would-be problems. But even as I write this I feel it's no longer true, at least not to the extent that it once was. I am getting better.

I need to go back to Scotland, soon. I miss the wind and the rain and the ancient stone circles and the busses and the telephone booths and the food. I miss my granny's house.

New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.

Too early

I am making a conscious effort to improve myself. Lately I feel as if I've been out of touch with everything, not thinking but instead going through the motions mindlessly. I want to be more of the person who is calm and wise, and cut out the jealous, insecure, lying bitch that has been living in my body. I know it sounds melodramatic and typical for this time of year, but I feel such a strong distaste for myself and my actions. I want to be the person who is innately good, who reflects goodness, who seeps goodness.

He's gonna smoke his lungs black, just to match the mood of the day

I had a really good halloween weekend. Friday was a show at the distillery, saturday was laser quest and dexter. Friendships are improving, progressing. I can feel myself starting to solidify...and it brings about a nervous feeling.

Last night I dreamt that my mom lost her job and everyone started dying of the flu.

University

Seems good so far! Weird to be a number. Good though. Disappearing. I don't have to bother showering, wearing makeup. My flip flop broke yesterday and although I tried to tape it, it didn't stick so I was hurrying along the campus like a gimp. I'm in that mood again where I feel delirious with ambition, but it's containable and sustainable. I don't know why it feels easier this year. New slate? Also, everyone left. Emily on Wednesday and Kelsey yesterday, family today. I'm a little jealous. Swallowing it though. Waiting for my turn. I need it. I cried at the most inopportune time the other day. It was dark. No one noticed. I was sad. But I'm not even really sad. Just emotional. Still angsty, although its aging into a nervous acceptance. I just can't think too much. Focus on school and the weekend, and school 4 years from now. Never think. Don't think too much. Everyone's gone. :( I need to keep my composure. Separate myself from my mother. Also, new room. New year. New attitude.

This is what it feels like

I am staying, I am staying, I am staying.

I've been gone, you've been wrong

I'm going to state the obvious and say that I've had so much trouble keeping up with this blog, and there are many reasons for that. The superficial reasons include not having enough time, and having nothing to say. Deeper than that, I feel like anything I say will be negative, or unhappy and confused, and I kind of don't want to preserve those feelings. Plus it's easier. It's so much easier. I haven't had an in-depth conversation with myself in months. I just don't really want to right now.



This week has been awful. I've cried in public more times than I can count. I'm terrified, and angry, and confused.

Baby it's been so long

Where do I start? Why did I ever stop? So much has happened I don't even remember it all.

I have been avoiding so much...I've started this post so many times only to stare blankly at the screen.

Getting involved with someone is by far one of the most complicating things that has ever happened to me.

I feel paralyzed...scared and at a complete loss. My plans have gone to shit, not because of that. And I've started to doubt everything that I want. Do I want to leave a new family? A lifetime of friendships and memories? It's so risky...but then there is the possibility of new friendships...prestige etc. At the cost of loneliness? I don't know what to do...I feel as if I'm waiting for an ephiphany where I suddenly realise what to do. In the meantime I am haunted by your bass-calloused fingertips, the way your neck is always warm. How I want to faint everytime you kiss my nose. And so I am here...at a loss.

"Mature decisions...realistic thinking coming to terms with emotions and innate instincts."

And then there's kelsey.
Good god I wish I was a praying man.

where is the love?

Where do I start...
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so crappy....keep hoping things are going to get better.
Mostly I just wish I could grow some actual sustaining backbone.
On the other hand, I had a three and a half hour conversation with Mr. McMillan today.
A perfect way to end the semester.

I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

I've had a lot on my mind lately..

First off, I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to change you. That there's nothing I can do to make you happy or even make you happy with me. I don't know what it is, but I feel so obligated to try and fix it. Fix you. Be "a part of the solution and not the problem." Because it's really either or. But all the clichés become true and I know, at least on an intellectual level, that you really can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves. But in saying that, it means that I am not enough to make someone want to change. And shouldnt I be? Shouldn't I be the person who brings out the best in you? Who proves that the world is not that harsh after all and that I mean it when I say I care? But on the other hand...shouldn't I be getting that in return? I know...I know that its a bad idea to do something for someone that is really for yourself, but I can't help hoping that you'll turn around and say what I want to hear from you. I don't know what to do anymore.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about what a big reality check I am going to get in living by myself. Less than seven months. And all I can cook is grilled cheese and tv dinners. I am going to be so, so miserable. So lonely. So sad. And desolate. It scares me. The initial pain of isolation is terrifying.

Also, I would like to point out that it should be common knowledge that when someone asks if you would give them a kidney, they are not asking what your views on organ donation are.

En outre, I am dying and cutting my hair on monday. I think it's time.

Violet hill

I am not in the proper state to be writing exams.

I function cope do fine

and then break down.

Ugh.

You told me to balanced, you told me to be kind.

I never wanted to be this.

Also, tonight I applied to UVic.

We'll see.

I'm trying to keep my options open, but the truth is I don't know what I want at all.

At all. Pros and cons always weigh the same, and I can't hear what I should do, except spite you.

Seventeen

I feel old...and not very wise and very vulnerable

Have a happy new year everyone!

Merry Christmas

Its been not bad. Everything will be okay.

stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

I'm afraid I've become exactly what I wanted to never be, a needy attention-craving girl. Something is gone, the undying faith in humanity that I once had disappeared with unanswered texts and meaningless declarations and people who change for the worst. I feel completely abandoned and let down and insecure. Harboring romantic notions of having best friends for life and fulfilled academic dreams is possibly the worst thing I could have done. I want to cry with disappointment in myself and the world. I guess this is where it sinks in that everyone looks out for themselves first, and somehow I missed that. It's almost my birthday. I don't particularly want to be seventeen.

its a lonely view

As soon as one part of my life gets better, the others just absolutely go to shit. Its probably some universal law made by some bitter god who wants to rub it in that no, you can't have everything. Not yet anyways. Maybe not ever. But you can never stop trying, and I guess thats the irony in it.
"There was a dark edge around each flower
as if it had been outlined in ink
instead of frost, and the tension
I feltbetween the expected and actual
was like that time I came to you, ready
to say goodbye for good, for you had been
a cold front yourself lately, and as I walked in
you laughed and lifted me up in your arms
as if I too were lacy with spring
instead of middle aged like the camellias,
and I thought: so this is Poetry!"
I wish I wish I wish I knew what to think

Day one

I don't want to write anything
I don't want to think