Sometimes I think about everything I would take if I had the chance.
Today, Paxil. Yesterday, Valium. Last week, Ritalin.
It's like,
I could change everything without changing anything.

This day:

i. Walked into the bathroom, heard a girl TYPING ON HER LAPTOP in the stall next to me, watched her rush out of the bathroom embarrassed.
ii. Wore shorts today, it started raining, is now currently snowing and the wind is gusting. OOPS!!
iii. Enjoyed a delicious sub, got the last two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
iv. Shared a good moment with a stranger on the elevator, we were both submitting our 4:30 assignments at 4:28
v. Thought a lot about going somewhere

My sexual appetite has increased alarmingly.
I just want everything more.
This job.
That house.
This life.

The people at Subway recognize me since I can't stop going there.

Growing to love beer

My dog is so lovely.

In my dreams I am coordinated enough to punch a happy couple in the face

I'm tired of giving. It would feel so good to break something. 

"Usually, we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm ok," we say. "I'm all right." But sometimes the truth arrives on you, and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer-it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced. "

Funny how the same things I was writing about two years ago still ring true. For a so-called "scientist", I am very good at skewing the facts into the truth that I want. At some point I know I will have to come to terms with the way things really are. In the meantime, I just have to hope that nobody else can foresee this, and won't judge me too harshly when I fail.

Stopped flinching at the c word

Time is going by so fast.

On Saturday, something nice happened at Milestone's. An old British lady came in to eat by herself, and Hayley sat her at 42, the booth closest the front door. This is the booth that is difficult/nearly impossible to seat. The nicest people will fucking BITE your head off if you try to seat them there...I don't even see why, there's no draft. Maybe it has to do with some animal instinct of not wanting to be so exposed while eating. Vulnerable. Anyways this lady happily sat there, quietly eating her eggs benedict. When she got up to pay, the server said that someone else had taken care of her bill (a man who said she reminded him of his mother) and the old woman was so surprised and happy, she said it was "extraordinary because today is my seventy-third birthday". It was nice to see.

In other news, I may have failed my English midterm. My head is filled with thoughts thoughts thoughts. They aren't attached to emotions. I don't feel what I should. I hate being anything other than idle.

Why should I remain the same

The past couple weeks have consisted of house sitting and unhealthy amounts of stress, replaced by reading week and unhealthy amounts of sleep. I'm incredibly moody.
On friday, Kelsey and I went to winners and I found an amazing blue and pink leopard-print dress for 30 bones! Every time we go shopping Kelsey tries something on and stands in front of the mirror shouting "BAM! BAM! BAM!" and changing up ridiculous poses. Fuck it gets me every time. So so funny.

Driving to school drinking ginger ale out of the Denny's rocket ship sippy cup, singing "You are what you love, and not what loves you back..." Strange, sad, telling, disturbing dreams lately. And I'm enjoying myself.

A fox trot above my head

I keep thinking dirty thoughts :o

And about chemistry too I guess. Apparently organic chemists have a life expectancy of 10 years less than the average. Shit eh.

I got so high last night.
I want to be anybody but myself, I'd do anything to get out of this skin.
I don't know why. I just want someone to come in and do everything for me.

When you think about it, blogs are kind of self-centered aren't they?

My real problem

Is that I feed on negativity. You wouldn't know it, but somehow I always give into it. It's a constant struggle from letting the dark part of my mind take over. I don't know why. There is never anything wrong.  It's like I get some sort of sick thrill from picking apart all the would-be problems. But even as I write this I feel it's no longer true, at least not to the extent that it once was. I am getting better.

I need to go back to Scotland, soon. I miss the wind and the rain and the ancient stone circles and the busses and the telephone booths and the food. I miss my granny's house.

New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.

Too early

I am making a conscious effort to improve myself. Lately I feel as if I've been out of touch with everything, not thinking but instead going through the motions mindlessly. I want to be more of the person who is calm and wise, and cut out the jealous, insecure, lying bitch that has been living in my body. I know it sounds melodramatic and typical for this time of year, but I feel such a strong distaste for myself and my actions. I want to be the person who is innately good, who reflects goodness, who seeps goodness.

He's gonna smoke his lungs black, just to match the mood of the day

I had a really good halloween weekend. Friday was a show at the distillery, saturday was laser quest and dexter. Friendships are improving, progressing. I can feel myself starting to solidify...and it brings about a nervous feeling.

Last night I dreamt that my mom lost her job and everyone started dying of the flu.

University

Seems good so far! Weird to be a number. Good though. Disappearing. I don't have to bother showering, wearing makeup. My flip flop broke yesterday and although I tried to tape it, it didn't stick so I was hurrying along the campus like a gimp. I'm in that mood again where I feel delirious with ambition, but it's containable and sustainable. I don't know why it feels easier this year. New slate? Also, everyone left. Emily on Wednesday and Kelsey yesterday, family today. I'm a little jealous. Swallowing it though. Waiting for my turn. I need it. I cried at the most inopportune time the other day. It was dark. No one noticed. I was sad. But I'm not even really sad. Just emotional. Still angsty, although its aging into a nervous acceptance. I just can't think too much. Focus on school and the weekend, and school 4 years from now. Never think. Don't think too much. Everyone's gone. :( I need to keep my composure. Separate myself from my mother. Also, new room. New year. New attitude.

This is what it feels like

I am staying, I am staying, I am staying.

I've been gone, you've been wrong

I'm going to state the obvious and say that I've had so much trouble keeping up with this blog, and there are many reasons for that. The superficial reasons include not having enough time, and having nothing to say. Deeper than that, I feel like anything I say will be negative, or unhappy and confused, and I kind of don't want to preserve those feelings. Plus it's easier. It's so much easier. I haven't had an in-depth conversation with myself in months. I just don't really want to right now.



This week has been awful. I've cried in public more times than I can count. I'm terrified, and angry, and confused.

Baby it's been so long

Where do I start? Why did I ever stop? So much has happened I don't even remember it all.

I have been avoiding so much...I've started this post so many times only to stare blankly at the screen.

Getting involved with someone is by far one of the most complicating things that has ever happened to me.

I feel paralyzed...scared and at a complete loss. My plans have gone to shit, not because of that. And I've started to doubt everything that I want. Do I want to leave a new family? A lifetime of friendships and memories? It's so risky...but then there is the possibility of new friendships...prestige etc. At the cost of loneliness? I don't know what to do...I feel as if I'm waiting for an ephiphany where I suddenly realise what to do. In the meantime I am haunted by your bass-calloused fingertips, the way your neck is always warm. How I want to faint everytime you kiss my nose. And so I am here...at a loss.

"Mature decisions...realistic thinking coming to terms with emotions and innate instincts."

And then there's kelsey.
Good god I wish I was a praying man.