I mailed it in my sleep

I wrote you a letter but I didn't give it to. I don't know why. Here's the gist of it though:

My neighbor had her baby on Monday!

On the weekend I saw Timmy who was very drunk and he was rambling about bryophytes and dominant generations. I don't know precisely why, but I found this immensely funny. People.

Things are fixed with friends! I saw her today which was strange being at someone else's school but it was fun.

I'm so confused about you. I'm standoffish but all I know is that you have so much testosterone that if you didn't have sex you would have to invade a country or something.

I'm so sick. Sneezing, coughing, the whole bit.

I guess those are the highlights of my life right now. Which is a strange change. It almost feels boring without all the drama and upset.

Who will fall far behind

Today was tough. I was alone and very aware of it.

"I had a terrible dream, Lauren. I dreamt Aidan was dead."

"....He is dead, honey. He is dead."

"I know."

Skinny love

Today marks the one year anniversary of this blog, so I thought it was time for a change.

My mind is a compilation of single sentences and lines, I can hardly fit everything together for a sensical paragraph.

One thing: My ipod is working! After over a year of being shot, I decided to charge it and it spontaneously fixed itself?! This makes me so happy and improves my quality of life exponentially.

Another: STOP IT! Stop coming out of your box. I had you all neatly sorted and you are coming out and it really just makes extra work for me. I am confused and have to re-organize everything now. It's that feeling when you think you've succesfully written someone off then they do something and you second guess yourself. You know that one? But in the meantime please stop trying to get into my pants.

For good luck: Oh to hell with it! I'm going to have a party! Oh to hell with it! I am much happier.

May flowers

It's much easier to spend your life being angry and bitter than to be awake and vulnerable. Even happiness is fragile.

If I don't love you, it's the closest I've ever came to it.

I am sitting in the computer room with my jacket on and no socks, watching the bourne supremacy. I think something is wrong with my emotions, something I can't pin down to hormones or lack of sunlight.

Get gone from a dirty town

The funny thing is,

even before you said it,

I was thinking the same thing.

Life is getting better and that makes me feel like a complete idiot. Christ.

I accept you in your pain

Maybe I'd forgotten how to be happy. But I am. I'm not quite at the point yet where I can make myself be, through a conscious decision, but somehow things have come together and so I am. It's not so much about deciding to put away the pain, but deciding to be ok with seeing yourself hurting.

Also, I'm listening to Chris Berkner right now. If you've never heard him, look it up. I promise he won't disappoint.

There's a bullet in the gun.

Emp·ty:
(adj. emptier, emptiest)
1. containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
2. hollow; meaningless
3. completely spent of emotion

Somedays I click on this blog and expect it to have updated itself.

Bridge building

I do think that this is the right thing to do. I don't think I'll take you with me, as much as it feels like my heart is being wrenched out. I'll get over you when the moon gets tired of chasing the sun, and when all god's work on earth is done. And also, when I stop looking for your car everywhere and hoping that you'll show up at my door. I will never forget the look on your face when I saw you sitting there, and how hard is was for me to walk away. Maybe it's my pride, but I don't want to be second best, not to anyone. But thank you anyways.

Three am coffee

Are you ready for this? Here it comes. And suddenly I feel very alone and helpless. But I don't so much feel as simply know. And it scares me.

Everyone who knew her loved her so

Can I even describe how I'm feeling? Naseaous. Troubled. In pain. I am so disgusted and disappointed with you, its absolutely sickens me to look at you and know that behind closed doors you are not the man you preach to be. I don't know what to do, I feel lost and angry. Maybe this is pessimistic, but I've learned that if you think things can't get worse, you are wrong. They can, and they will. It's as if god is sitting up there, placing obstacle after obstacle in my path just to watch me scramble over them and fall, laughing when I get up and keep moving only to find that there isn't even a fucking prize at the end. Enough! You selfish, hypocritical god! I can't and won't deal with anymore!! I'm sixteen!! Do you hear me now?!

Legs away.....

I don't know how to be upset around other people...it really just goes against my grain to be hurt around someone who didn't hurt me. I feel like I can't express myself unless I'm alone, I guess I come across the wrong way outside of that. I don't know...I had a really bad day today, and yesterday and pretty much all week. People have been ripped out of my life and I don't know if it's good or bad yet. Jenny offered for me to live with her...she would make a really good...I don't even know the word for it. God knows whats going to happen with me. But christ I'm in so much pain. And I just don't know how to express it. What I need is for someone to just say the right thing, but no one ever does, and the people that do don't stick around.

It's 12:49 am so that makes today 4/20. I'm probably going to stay in this room or go to starbucks. Sorry Bob.

If I don't make it, know that I loved you all along.

You could compare letting go of someone to ripping out the hooks that have attached themselves to your soul, each hook being something about you that I’d loved. One by one you have to rip out the hooks or forever be held back by them. I think that’s how it is. Maybe I let you become too much a part of me and be connected to you in a way that I shouldn’t have, but I can’t decide if it was worth it. Is the unbearable bleeding I feel worth the tiny bit of joy that I had? Its so hard to handle, and the fact that its self-inflicted in the way that I’m making myself do this is making it all the worse.

My writing has gone to shit, I can’t do it anymore.

Slept in and did nothing.

The snow outside made it impossible for me to get to school today, the buses close to my house aren't running. This would probably be a pointless entry, were it not for the text I saw yesterday; "Iloveyou.Lifewithyouisgoingtobelikenon-stopmarsbars." I don't know why there were no spacings, and it took me a while to figure out what it said, but when I did the gravity of it hit me immediately. It impacted me so much, the meaning of it and how I could seriously feel the LOVE they feel coming through that phone. It felt too private for me to be there, as if somehow I wasn't supposed to have caught a glimpse of that feeling. I don't think I've ever seen love like that.

It seems like I am slowly being exposed to all the adult things in the world that before I knew nothing about. Taxes, insurance, love, sex, caesars. I hope it never gets old.

You'll go far...

Don't judge me. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about. You don't know anything, and I don't know why you think you have the right to do this. This excludes if you have something kind to say, in which case I'll take into consideration your opinion.

On the other hand, I have a decision to make. I need to decide how I'd feel in a couple years if after all I've been through, another option came up and I'd chosen not to take it. The problem is though is that another option isn't the clear pathway that it seems. I'm bound to be saddled with consequences no matter what. Which is kind of depressing.

Four hundred and forty-eight days till I leave. Approximately.

Never let anyone drag you around, Heather

Day-to-day things:

I am currently chewing 7 pieces of gum.

Yesterday night I finished watching "Blood Diamond."

This morning I saw the movie 10 000 BC.

From Friday till today, I spent a total of 24.5 hours with g. And we did not have a sleepover.

I've discovered a love for cesars, with extra celery.

I've spoken to you five times. It is too much but not nearly enough.

I've wanted to cry so many times this week, but somehow I can't make myself and so I am left with a deep ache, for my problems, and for yours, and for the world's.

Feeling like an april fool

I cannot wait to get out of here, bringing you with me. Something about having you around makes me feel whole. And in my element. I don't need to tell you that. And I feel calm.

Dear Heather: where have you gone?

I am angry and confused. I do not want to have to go to school tomorrow to face life. In fact, I do not want to do anything but lay in my bed and think. The problem is that floodgates never simply leak...they always break down and then the flood comes. I don't know how I would survive without them though. Still, I feel as if I'm drowning in everything...your face and her words and the silence...I cannot come to terms with the silence. This storm of hurt and anger is brewing and I'm helpless to do anything but sit and watch, because I am sitting in the eye of it all.

To put it bluntly

I guess what I've been through could be compared to being stabbed..I succesfully managed to pull out the knife and stick on a band-aid, but now I'm scared to peel it off to see if there is even a scab forming, for fear of making it worse. I'm in the dark. And really, not knowing it so much worse than being wrong.

Deep Red Bells

I don't know what to say.

I've fallen asleep again.

And I don't remember what I was awake for.
I don't know.