Bridge building

I do think that this is the right thing to do. I don't think I'll take you with me, as much as it feels like my heart is being wrenched out. I'll get over you when the moon gets tired of chasing the sun, and when all god's work on earth is done. And also, when I stop looking for your car everywhere and hoping that you'll show up at my door. I will never forget the look on your face when I saw you sitting there, and how hard is was for me to walk away. Maybe it's my pride, but I don't want to be second best, not to anyone. But thank you anyways.

Three am coffee

Are you ready for this? Here it comes. And suddenly I feel very alone and helpless. But I don't so much feel as simply know. And it scares me.

Everyone who knew her loved her so

Can I even describe how I'm feeling? Naseaous. Troubled. In pain. I am so disgusted and disappointed with you, its absolutely sickens me to look at you and know that behind closed doors you are not the man you preach to be. I don't know what to do, I feel lost and angry. Maybe this is pessimistic, but I've learned that if you think things can't get worse, you are wrong. They can, and they will. It's as if god is sitting up there, placing obstacle after obstacle in my path just to watch me scramble over them and fall, laughing when I get up and keep moving only to find that there isn't even a fucking prize at the end. Enough! You selfish, hypocritical god! I can't and won't deal with anymore!! I'm sixteen!! Do you hear me now?!

Legs away.....

I don't know how to be upset around other people...it really just goes against my grain to be hurt around someone who didn't hurt me. I feel like I can't express myself unless I'm alone, I guess I come across the wrong way outside of that. I don't know...I had a really bad day today, and yesterday and pretty much all week. People have been ripped out of my life and I don't know if it's good or bad yet. Jenny offered for me to live with her...she would make a really good...I don't even know the word for it. God knows whats going to happen with me. But christ I'm in so much pain. And I just don't know how to express it. What I need is for someone to just say the right thing, but no one ever does, and the people that do don't stick around.

It's 12:49 am so that makes today 4/20. I'm probably going to stay in this room or go to starbucks. Sorry Bob.

If I don't make it, know that I loved you all along.

You could compare letting go of someone to ripping out the hooks that have attached themselves to your soul, each hook being something about you that I’d loved. One by one you have to rip out the hooks or forever be held back by them. I think that’s how it is. Maybe I let you become too much a part of me and be connected to you in a way that I shouldn’t have, but I can’t decide if it was worth it. Is the unbearable bleeding I feel worth the tiny bit of joy that I had? Its so hard to handle, and the fact that its self-inflicted in the way that I’m making myself do this is making it all the worse.

My writing has gone to shit, I can’t do it anymore.

Slept in and did nothing.

The snow outside made it impossible for me to get to school today, the buses close to my house aren't running. This would probably be a pointless entry, were it not for the text I saw yesterday; "Iloveyou.Lifewithyouisgoingtobelikenon-stopmarsbars." I don't know why there were no spacings, and it took me a while to figure out what it said, but when I did the gravity of it hit me immediately. It impacted me so much, the meaning of it and how I could seriously feel the LOVE they feel coming through that phone. It felt too private for me to be there, as if somehow I wasn't supposed to have caught a glimpse of that feeling. I don't think I've ever seen love like that.

It seems like I am slowly being exposed to all the adult things in the world that before I knew nothing about. Taxes, insurance, love, sex, caesars. I hope it never gets old.

You'll go far...

Don't judge me. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about. You don't know anything, and I don't know why you think you have the right to do this. This excludes if you have something kind to say, in which case I'll take into consideration your opinion.

On the other hand, I have a decision to make. I need to decide how I'd feel in a couple years if after all I've been through, another option came up and I'd chosen not to take it. The problem is though is that another option isn't the clear pathway that it seems. I'm bound to be saddled with consequences no matter what. Which is kind of depressing.

Four hundred and forty-eight days till I leave. Approximately.

Never let anyone drag you around, Heather

Day-to-day things:

I am currently chewing 7 pieces of gum.

Yesterday night I finished watching "Blood Diamond."

This morning I saw the movie 10 000 BC.

From Friday till today, I spent a total of 24.5 hours with g. And we did not have a sleepover.

I've discovered a love for cesars, with extra celery.

I've spoken to you five times. It is too much but not nearly enough.

I've wanted to cry so many times this week, but somehow I can't make myself and so I am left with a deep ache, for my problems, and for yours, and for the world's.

Feeling like an april fool

I cannot wait to get out of here, bringing you with me. Something about having you around makes me feel whole. And in my element. I don't need to tell you that. And I feel calm.

Dear Heather: where have you gone?

I am angry and confused. I do not want to have to go to school tomorrow to face life. In fact, I do not want to do anything but lay in my bed and think. The problem is that floodgates never simply leak...they always break down and then the flood comes. I don't know how I would survive without them though. Still, I feel as if I'm drowning in everything...your face and her words and the silence...I cannot come to terms with the silence. This storm of hurt and anger is brewing and I'm helpless to do anything but sit and watch, because I am sitting in the eye of it all.

To put it bluntly

I guess what I've been through could be compared to being stabbed..I succesfully managed to pull out the knife and stick on a band-aid, but now I'm scared to peel it off to see if there is even a scab forming, for fear of making it worse. I'm in the dark. And really, not knowing it so much worse than being wrong.

Deep Red Bells

I don't know what to say.

I've fallen asleep again.

And I don't remember what I was awake for.
I don't know.

tangled webs

Where do I start? I can't sort out the things that have been circulating in my mind lately. Strings. Isn't it ironic that something that takes months and months to build up can be destructed in a matter of weeks? Was it my fault? Was it my choice? Did I make the right one? Contemplating how you never hug me goodbye anymore...I don't know what to think. Letting go and starting over isn't nearly as hard or as easy as you would expect. I think it just goes on a day by day basis. There's no general guidlines as to how to do this. Some days I feel as if Im drowning in everything. Not often, though. Yesterday I had an amazing day. Day by day. It's passing. You don't know anything.

The needle has landed

Im so confused about my own emotions right now.

There are three things I know:

1. You make me happy

2. I can never act upon this again.

3. If I did, the consequences and hurt would increase exponentially.

I need to move past this, I really really do. But it's hard to be so tough on yourself. But my future and happiness and best friendships are at stake, and I can't let one type of feeling overrule the rest. I just don't know how not to.

Never pleased to see you

Even relief isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be,

problems seem to follow me around even when I thought I'd escaped them.

It's going to be different this time.

I just wish I'd known.

so give me coffee and tv...

I am so hopeful.

At the exact point when I was ready to give up, things got exponentially better. I feel as if I've been dragged through the bush and it felt like hell but thank god it's over and will never get like that again. The incredible hole in my chest doesn't hurt so much anymore.

I'm ready to start over.

And start over without you.

Waking up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

i've seen so much i'm going blind

I came to school early today with the intention of finishing up some work, but my thoughts got the better of me and so I am here. There are some things I need to get straight with myself. First is that impact of the coming changes in my life, and the fact that I feel no need to open up these changes to you. After last night my life will never be quite the same, and that is both scary and exciting.

Second is the difference I see in myself now when I am with you. If I've ever been too hurt or scared to open up, that feeling is gone. While I was distracted, I gave you a huge part of myself, and you didn't drop it. I am so thankful.

Third is that I need to get a definitive answer about my future, and at least get some closure to go on. Coming to terms with something isn't nearly as bad as not knowing, always wondering and being tentative. I need to have a labelled box in my mind where I can store all of our conversations, instead of continuing to run them through my head again and again and getting no where.

Fourth is that I need to decide what to do with myself. Should I repair the burnt bridges? Keep building the ones that I started? Is it even worth it? Most of all though, I need to do something to squash my fears of being a product of the environment. I can't look in the mirror and see my mother or father, because suspicions like that are completely unfounded.

Fifth is that I need to make a decision about my independance. I need to stop pretending, stop having such high expectations that anyone who falls short get a kick in the ass. If I learned anything, it's that ass-kicking can backfire and hurt. A long time ago I wrote; "I don't want to be alone, I just want to be happy," and now I have to live accordingly. Besides, the most perfect people I know are ones that at first seemed incredibly flawed.

But anyways, that took longer than I expected. But I'm not sorry, it was something that needed to be said.

February twenty-ninth

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered in moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green-an alien planet.

and history repeats itself again