summer has came and summer has gone, your christmas cards can't comfort me

EVERYTHING IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT.

i drive my car really fast and get to Cleveland that much sooner.

"friendships can be repaired."
i saw how you looked at me today,
i was crying from laughing with someone else.
my heart stopped and sunk.
BRAKE AND ANCHOR.
That's the ticket!!
i don't know it's implications and consequences yet,


the problem with this though is that my complex with being unreliant on people and doing things for myself has just been strenghtened, not to mention the fact that trust has been shaken up, and is this a universal feeling of say what you mean, mean what you say? Arg.




on another note, i can't decide if i'm bored in school or just inherently lazy. all i really want to do is nothing, or everything i guess. it just feels like i'm wasting my time with unimportant assignments that really add nothing to my life. the problem with living fully is that once you have it's hard to go back to a half-assed existence. last year i didn't know any better so it wasn't hard, but now i just want to skip the boring bits and jump right to the action, my soul feels like it's wasting away being spent copying notes about things I don't care. it wouldn't be so bad if there was something clear that I did care about, but because there's not and i'm all confused and pressured it makes everything much much more difficult to decide upon.

a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul, you fix it with your smile and wo ai ni

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet

and a freight train running through the middle of my head

Only you can cool my desire

I'm on fire

I am loved i am loved i am loved.

tonight i couldn't feel my legs properly, they felt all weak and shaky.

i can't believe he told you, i thought he was so ashamed. maybe because he was high.

i couldn't have been more surprised, but i'm so glad. it's not a secret, i trust you i trust you.

the world is full of kindred spirits, it's just a matter of finding

and recognizing them. it took a lot of fucking heart to say something, thank you.

so let's lay down and talk and talk, the sun will come up and i won't go to school. HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR DAYS? I used to save them, kept them in my account. Now, i give them away freely. No discount coupons here.

And you! you have my heart, but i'm not prepared to wait and i know you won't. "It's not right," you said, not about yourself but it must apply anyways. can you (reading this) tell what i'm talking about? i can't tell how clear this is. it doesn't matter anyways. it's all gibberish, gobbledygook! it's a stewing pot of thoughts and feelings, the recipe was in another language so you guessed the ingredients! i'm a bit dissapointed, but friends are friends and nothing more, nothing less. i'll always be the young girl, the young one, the young one. i'm so lucky.

so lay me down in that open field out on the edge of town

WRITTEN ON THURSDAY: i'm pretty sure I have some sort of complex that makes it so whenever the weekend comes up, i get so focused on it that i can't concentrate on anything else. i'm worried. oh well. it's not as if I don't have people i can count on, it's just that...well, i don't know. There are better things i could focus on that happened today, such as finally having a good conversation with you and being pleasantly surprised at how similar we are. you said it yourself. and you told me you'd been lonely, and my heart went out to you and major regret sank in. i should have, could have, would have, done more for you. i knew there was some reason i'd been drawn to you in september. also, i could focus on what went down in safeway today, my part in it, it's implications.

WRITTEN TODAY: Oh madelaine! Oh madelaine! i don't understand. All i need is for you to hug me and say that we're ok. i don't understand it. i'm going to go to bed and listen for the answer. "when i was little i used to think i knew everything. now i know more and i still know everything" it's not true. i know nothing. i don't know what i want, more importantly: i don't know what i need, and of uttermost importance: i don't know who i am.
someone who's friends confuse them? someone who is known for being both innocent and shitfaced all the time? someone who tries too hard to feel liked? someone who is ok with stealing shit? I don't know if this is just obliviousness or naivety because i'm not like you noelle, i need people. I need them! i'm striving for that obscure beauty that exists in taking mundane things and capturing their importance. my thoughts are all scrambled, this is certainly the most cracked and raw they have been in a while. claire where are you? And YOU! your presence lingers in my mind like the stench of cheap perfume and campfire and old wine. it's suffocating me and i can't breathe properly. everything is always tentative with you and me and everybody else, there is never anything concrete and it stinks of indecsiveness and it irritates me.

I had a dream this morning, i was driving in the car with my mother and she drove off the edge of the road and off a cliff. For a second or two, we hung in midair like smoke before disappearing down the valley. it hurt when we died.

She made herself a pair of orthopaedic shoes

She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues

She thought it was the answer to the fashion blues

But she walked with a limp

you are tripsy like always but you are cute so it's ok

I can't say i know exactly what tripsy means, but oh well. my body is devoid of all bad feelings, it's filled with mostly good thoughts and excellent, fresh, memories. my soul hasn't felt this good in a long time, its a beautiful change. change is good, change is good. repetition is enforcement, enforcement, enforcement. i love YOU (you know who you are).

i need you like a heart needs a beat/like man needs meat

...like the sky needs the stars/like an alcoholic needs the bar.

my friendship with sea kelp has been repaired. it was only a miscommunication. Last night i had a sort of...revelation. i was laying in my bed contemplating the fact that i couldn't feel your hand cupping my face anymore and basking in this horrible feeling when the most beautiful thoughts came flowing into my head. i say "flowing" instead of "popping,"for example, because essentially thats what it felt like- some great dam in my head had been opened and all these beautiful waters started running. i felt like i was living in a level of reality i'd never been to before, which is ironic because that is exactly what i felt this time last weekend. But it was different this time, i was alone and it was more about self-discovery as opposed to life experience discovery. they could i suppose be considered somewhat the same thing, but i'd argue that it's what you learn about yourself when you are in these experiences that matters. and matter it does, its the whole point of life, and that's all im doing, dramatic as it may be. it's life. Life! LIFE!

my baby's got the lonesome lows, don't quite go away overnight

i'm in love with a stranger named heather:"I remember thinking that it couldn’t be real, and at the same time feeling that nothing in my life had ever been so real."
i'm not alone, i'll always be my own company and this year i need to learn to be content with only that. i'll examine the scrapes on my knees and try to find out what the source of this deep, deep, unhappiness is. i can't rely on other people. i just can't, its not their burdens. my emotions need to stop being so dramatic, i'm just getting carried away and it's hurting me. maybe i'll meet claire again, but that would mean i'd have to be honest and it would be risky because she might not tell me what i want to hear. i couldn't lie, you can't lie to someone who knows and understands everything about you. i miss you.

Entry edited

i hope you find a gypsy queen, to make your body feel a little better

I would rather give the world away than wake up lonely. That is also untrue. Lies, lies, lies.
What I want most is just to feel safe.

i'm in love with a stranger named noelle

"what i know scares me way more than what i don't know, but i do know that i am more than just incoherent, but i'm also more than just a big mess of feelings. or maybe less. i don't know. "

are we breathing? are we wasting our breath?

It seems like it’s been awhile. I’ve got bruises up and down my body, my heart is a little banged up too, but I’d never felt safer and now I don’t know what to write. If I could replay our conversation, or at least just feel that comfortable with you again, all the time, my life would be perfect.

I wish I was the wind.

Again, my dreams last night seemed so real, but when I woke up this morning I wished they hadn't been because it only made me even more confused. I was hot and sweaty and didn't understand. I'm sure this is what it feels like to be an innocent man on deathrow. "Better to let 100 guilty men go free than to wrongly convict one innocent man,". The difference I suppose it that I'm trying not to resist lethal injection, because I know that I'm not guilty, and that's good enough. And to be dead and free would be a relief right now, I want to go back to sleep forever...

numb is the new high

I have a recurring nightmare where everyone I've ever know or had any contact with disappears. Tonight I guess I realised that it manifests itself in everyday life- maybe the freudian icebergs surfacing? Well I think this iceberg is melting. Global warming. Tomorrow I am going to sit in a park and write, and probably cry, and then I'll take the bus home and maybe get off a stop early to get my nails painted by a stranger, and the subsequent hand-holding will be the closest thing to human contact I will have after 1:50 tomorrow. Our hell is a good life. I'm so sorry, Allison.

i wake up in a room and realize i’m insane again

Divorce doesn't have near as bad an affect on kids as Oprah makes it seem. Seventeen minutes into the show and not one person has mentioned that it might be for the better that parents don't stay together. These fucking people have no idea what they're talking about. Ok maybe that's a little harsh. It just pisses me off that they are so focused on sending out a message that is ignorant, they haven't even explored the issue, just decided the position beforehand and using influence to change people's minds. I'm so peeved I can't even be articulate.

Sometimes I wish I could stop dying, but it's too late, I'm at the deep end with cement shoes, darling

The phone conversation tonight was so awkward, with a few long, silent, pauses. I think you thought my heart wasn't in it, I think you might be right. I'm a bad consoler, all that comes out of my mouth is essentially overused, typical shit. All I want is to know what exactly I want, but deep down I'm having trouble picking sides because I'm just too eager to please.

"And I suppose nobody can afford abstinence"

Aha that whole conversation this morning made me laugh so hard! It went somthing like this:
G: "What I don't understand is why anybody would have a baby in those conditions!!"
H: "Maybe they couldn't afford birth control?"
G: "{entry title}"

As I was on the bus, it occured to me that pretty much every life stage so far has something(s) that it is preoccupied with. Example: Elementary school was dominated by best friends and who was in which class, Junior high was all about bras and makeup, high school has to do with drinking, sex, and drugs, and I assume that soon life will be excited by mortgages and mutual funds etc. I don't know if that thought is depressing or just naive. Maybe this is too cliché...

We could always wait until it dies to revive it

I dreamt about you last night,

I don't even remember what exactly,

but when I woke up I felt very fond of you.

I'd missed liking you, so much!!

We'll see how long this lasts,

it might not go anywhere again.

Hmm.

Tonight I will write Allison a letter and maybe have some pumpkin pie and hopefully get all my homework done on time.

mother, don't worry. I got some money I saved for the weekend

Mother, remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor, fleas on their paws,
And you cried 'til the morning

I'm sure there is no music more beautiful anywhere.
I'd forgotten all the things I used to love,
the smell after it rains,
the beautiful colours in fall
the reddish in my hair,
how good it feels to be curled up with
my dog,
hiking with Isabelle.

I made a decision based on those things,
I know it's the right one.
The terrible phase of indecisiveness and feeling helpless is gone and it feels so good. So good.

Our hell is a good life.

I feel at peace, in a melancholic way.
There's been so much emotional turmoil, this is such a nice change. It's good to be removed from everything and feel somewhat blank. Both of you confuse me now. Three of you, actually. I don't like feeling like someone has me figured out, that is irritating.

But even as I type that, I don't really feel it.
Just blank. Blank, blank, blank.