where is the love?

Where do I start...
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so crappy....keep hoping things are going to get better.
Mostly I just wish I could grow some actual sustaining backbone.
On the other hand, I had a three and a half hour conversation with Mr. McMillan today.
A perfect way to end the semester.

I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

I've had a lot on my mind lately..

First off, I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to change you. That there's nothing I can do to make you happy or even make you happy with me. I don't know what it is, but I feel so obligated to try and fix it. Fix you. Be "a part of the solution and not the problem." Because it's really either or. But all the clichés become true and I know, at least on an intellectual level, that you really can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves. But in saying that, it means that I am not enough to make someone want to change. And shouldnt I be? Shouldn't I be the person who brings out the best in you? Who proves that the world is not that harsh after all and that I mean it when I say I care? But on the other hand...shouldn't I be getting that in return? I know...I know that its a bad idea to do something for someone that is really for yourself, but I can't help hoping that you'll turn around and say what I want to hear from you. I don't know what to do anymore.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot about what a big reality check I am going to get in living by myself. Less than seven months. And all I can cook is grilled cheese and tv dinners. I am going to be so, so miserable. So lonely. So sad. And desolate. It scares me. The initial pain of isolation is terrifying.

Also, I would like to point out that it should be common knowledge that when someone asks if you would give them a kidney, they are not asking what your views on organ donation are.

En outre, I am dying and cutting my hair on monday. I think it's time.

Violet hill

I am not in the proper state to be writing exams.

I function cope do fine

and then break down.

Ugh.

You told me to balanced, you told me to be kind.

I never wanted to be this.

Also, tonight I applied to UVic.

We'll see.

I'm trying to keep my options open, but the truth is I don't know what I want at all.

At all. Pros and cons always weigh the same, and I can't hear what I should do, except spite you.

Seventeen

I feel old...and not very wise and very vulnerable

Have a happy new year everyone!

Merry Christmas

Its been not bad. Everything will be okay.

stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

I'm afraid I've become exactly what I wanted to never be, a needy attention-craving girl. Something is gone, the undying faith in humanity that I once had disappeared with unanswered texts and meaningless declarations and people who change for the worst. I feel completely abandoned and let down and insecure. Harboring romantic notions of having best friends for life and fulfilled academic dreams is possibly the worst thing I could have done. I want to cry with disappointment in myself and the world. I guess this is where it sinks in that everyone looks out for themselves first, and somehow I missed that. It's almost my birthday. I don't particularly want to be seventeen.

its a lonely view

As soon as one part of my life gets better, the others just absolutely go to shit. Its probably some universal law made by some bitter god who wants to rub it in that no, you can't have everything. Not yet anyways. Maybe not ever. But you can never stop trying, and I guess thats the irony in it.
"There was a dark edge around each flower
as if it had been outlined in ink
instead of frost, and the tension
I feltbetween the expected and actual
was like that time I came to you, ready
to say goodbye for good, for you had been
a cold front yourself lately, and as I walked in
you laughed and lifted me up in your arms
as if I too were lacy with spring
instead of middle aged like the camellias,
and I thought: so this is Poetry!"
I wish I wish I wish I knew what to think

Day one

I don't want to write anything
I don't want to think

hello cold winter

I dread the weeks, it seems that they are only the aftermath of weekends. I am both more and less confused than ever. In your arms and listening to you breathe in your sleep, I got this burning feeling in my stomach and realized how badly I want you to feel it for me in return. I've been so hurt and can't even tell the difference between what I perceive and how things really are. Yes, a heart can hallucinate if its completely starved. That being said, the hallucination can go both ways. Is it like this for everyone?

the other foot in my mouth

There is no worse feeling than trying to fix a problem only to find that it is more complex and deep than you imagined. Layer upon layer of knots. I think I tried to fix something, unknotted and cut a rope that was around my neck and then noticed that it was the same rope holding my heart together.

I thought I could have it all. Even now I'm not sure if I understand why I can't. I guess its egotistical to think that everyone wants to give everything to me. You don't care. You don't touch me. He does both too much. I talk too little.

 In the past few days I've been happier than I'd been in weeks. But it's all an ego trip.

Neko Case never fails

In the end I was the mean girl

Or somebody's in-between girl

Now it's the devil I love

And that's as funny as real love

I'm not happy but I can't bring myself to say anything.

missed 11:11

Tonight was a wake up call in the form of a slap on the face. I told myself I wouldn't use this blog to complain, but it seems like I have nothing else to say. I feel like a fool...so foolish. Walked down the street in high heeled boots and a dress, wanted to cry but didn't have the heart. And yet it hasnt really taught me anything, here I am with my makeup still on, holding onto a vain hope. And for what?

I used to think I was so smart, smarter than everyone else in the world. But while I was growing up-keeping my eye on it, it snuck up behind me and knocked me out cold. I've been such a fool. How many times does it take to get it right? I wish I could go back.

you are what you love

Tomorrow is my dad's wedding. A lot has happened. Most importantly I think I've realized that I am far too easily moved from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, resulting in chronic bi-polarness and unease. It happened at the same time last year too. I think I'm just going to try and stop putting all my eggs in one basket. Also, I've started caring less about the inevitable outcome of this and more about the moment. Which is how I'd like to live. It took a lot of letting go to get to this point.

I'm sick of thinking about my feelings. I was happier the way things were before.

My body aches

So. Second time yesterday. Well third I guess if you count last winter. I don't know what to think. Feel naive. And secretly I wonder if I am being made a fool of. I never know what to do unless someone tells me, and even then I still don't know what to do so most of the time I end up just being idle and letting things run their course. When they go badly I complain and then I don't know how to fix it. I feel so lost these days. I underestimated everything.

Learn to swim

Hmm. Well that's that. I feel so much calmer than I would have expected of myself. And I do believe I feel happy. This weekend was fucking good. I am so short on sleep.

With you on my mind

and my heart held in your hands

Screaming

Break me

Break me

Everything I want to say about this has been said before and I'm not that naive to think I'm special after all.

Only the brave and open dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humaness.

Do I have it? This is the question that has been begged to be asked since the beginning of this blog. Here goes.