Thank god,
Thank god for that thing that someone says to you,
And you've heard it before but somehow it means more coming from an outsider
And it is exactly what you needed to hear, but how did they know?
And you keep it in your head for days
And you look at it from all angles, each view makes you feel better than the last
And you wring it out and you hang it up
But when you come around again and put it on, it still makes you warm
Thank fucking god

Something to love:

Blasting Interpol at ear-splitting volume while driving too fast in the rain.
Today was excellent, and nostalgic. The old high school feels so different.

are you some kind of medicine man? cut the demons out of my head...

Having a lot of flashbacks lately, it makes you see things in a different light. 

breathe me, break me, resuscitate me

I have this feeling that I should be more mature, but don't have any clue how to go about doing that.
I guess this blog is kind of immature. And self-absorbed.
Yes, yes it is.
But at the same time, I feel like it's mostly my only means for documenting "personal growth".

It's very very hard to stop myself from sinking into the lows that I know I shouldn't be feeling. Some days I feel good. Really really good. But for whatever reason the waves eventually come and I feel like I am going to explode, get that overwhelming sick feeling in my stomach and need to lash out.
It's like, for the past five years I've been waiting for things to be okay, and setting secret timelines for everything to work out, but it never does.
Or maybe I'm just not taking very well to the fact that perfection doesn't exist, and keep clinging onto this naive idea of what my life should be like. I can't decide.

I found my old cd case whilst emptying out my old room in my mother's house. A mix cd is in the stereo, I am debating whether or not to press play. Inevitably it will get me asking myself that same question...'who wants a girl who eats a whole serving of mac and cheese and blogs about her feelings all day?'

Sometimes I think about everything I would take if I had the chance.
Today, Paxil. Yesterday, Valium. Last week, Ritalin.
It's like,
I could change everything without changing anything.

This day:

i. Walked into the bathroom, heard a girl TYPING ON HER LAPTOP in the stall next to me, watched her rush out of the bathroom embarrassed.
ii. Wore shorts today, it started raining, is now currently snowing and the wind is gusting. OOPS!!
iii. Enjoyed a delicious sub, got the last two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
iv. Shared a good moment with a stranger on the elevator, we were both submitting our 4:30 assignments at 4:28
v. Thought a lot about going somewhere

My sexual appetite has increased alarmingly.
I just want everything more.
This job.
That house.
This life.

The people at Subway recognize me since I can't stop going there.

Growing to love beer

My dog is so lovely.

In my dreams I am coordinated enough to punch a happy couple in the face

I'm tired of giving. It would feel so good to break something. 

"Usually, we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm ok," we say. "I'm all right." But sometimes the truth arrives on you, and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer-it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced. "

Funny how the same things I was writing about two years ago still ring true. For a so-called "scientist", I am very good at skewing the facts into the truth that I want. At some point I know I will have to come to terms with the way things really are. In the meantime, I just have to hope that nobody else can foresee this, and won't judge me too harshly when I fail.

Stopped flinching at the c word

Time is going by so fast.

On Saturday, something nice happened at Milestone's. An old British lady came in to eat by herself, and Hayley sat her at 42, the booth closest the front door. This is the booth that is difficult/nearly impossible to seat. The nicest people will fucking BITE your head off if you try to seat them there...I don't even see why, there's no draft. Maybe it has to do with some animal instinct of not wanting to be so exposed while eating. Vulnerable. Anyways this lady happily sat there, quietly eating her eggs benedict. When she got up to pay, the server said that someone else had taken care of her bill (a man who said she reminded him of his mother) and the old woman was so surprised and happy, she said it was "extraordinary because today is my seventy-third birthday". It was nice to see.

In other news, I may have failed my English midterm. My head is filled with thoughts thoughts thoughts. They aren't attached to emotions. I don't feel what I should. I hate being anything other than idle.

Why should I remain the same

The past couple weeks have consisted of house sitting and unhealthy amounts of stress, replaced by reading week and unhealthy amounts of sleep. I'm incredibly moody.
On friday, Kelsey and I went to winners and I found an amazing blue and pink leopard-print dress for 30 bones! Every time we go shopping Kelsey tries something on and stands in front of the mirror shouting "BAM! BAM! BAM!" and changing up ridiculous poses. Fuck it gets me every time. So so funny.

Driving to school drinking ginger ale out of the Denny's rocket ship sippy cup, singing "You are what you love, and not what loves you back..." Strange, sad, telling, disturbing dreams lately. And I'm enjoying myself.

A fox trot above my head

I keep thinking dirty thoughts :o

And about chemistry too I guess. Apparently organic chemists have a life expectancy of 10 years less than the average. Shit eh.

I got so high last night.
I want to be anybody but myself, I'd do anything to get out of this skin.
I don't know why. I just want someone to come in and do everything for me.

When you think about it, blogs are kind of self-centered aren't they?

My real problem

Is that I feed on negativity. You wouldn't know it, but somehow I always give into it. It's a constant struggle from letting the dark part of my mind take over. I don't know why. There is never anything wrong.  It's like I get some sort of sick thrill from picking apart all the would-be problems. But even as I write this I feel it's no longer true, at least not to the extent that it once was. I am getting better.

I need to go back to Scotland, soon. I miss the wind and the rain and the ancient stone circles and the busses and the telephone booths and the food. I miss my granny's house.

New Year

Well.
I had quite a good christmas, didn't see my mom at all which I think is a first. Turned 18 yesterday. That was fun. I went to the Drum and Monkey, had countless shots and did not puke or pass out or cry, which I am grateful for. I think in total I had about 15-20 drinks throughout the night? I was happy that Kelsey did not get hammered, we had a good night.
I don't have any resolutions to which I am committed enough to call them New Year's resolutions. Just things that I have been meaning to change.  Go to the gym more. Start volunteering. Do better in university. Clean out the van. Stop cracking my back. Stop procrastinating. Be more organized. Be better at taking my pill on time. Start walking my dog.

In other news, there is a hole in my heart. Or tear I guess. A little crack. That somehow needs to be filled by words. I've struggled so much with this, I tell myself that I don't need to hear anything, that I am just being needy and that there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I remind myself that it's there, and can remain unspoken until the time is right. That I have to trust. But at other times I feel sad and wonder if it's my fault. I use it to egg on my insecurities. And yet I know that it shouldn't be used like that. I don't want to take this lightly, I don't want to throw it around.

Too early

I am making a conscious effort to improve myself. Lately I feel as if I've been out of touch with everything, not thinking but instead going through the motions mindlessly. I want to be more of the person who is calm and wise, and cut out the jealous, insecure, lying bitch that has been living in my body. I know it sounds melodramatic and typical for this time of year, but I feel such a strong distaste for myself and my actions. I want to be the person who is innately good, who reflects goodness, who seeps goodness.

He's gonna smoke his lungs black, just to match the mood of the day

I had a really good halloween weekend. Friday was a show at the distillery, saturday was laser quest and dexter. Friendships are improving, progressing. I can feel myself starting to solidify...and it brings about a nervous feeling.

Last night I dreamt that my mom lost her job and everyone started dying of the flu.