Dear Heather: where have you gone?

I am angry and confused. I do not want to have to go to school tomorrow to face life. In fact, I do not want to do anything but lay in my bed and think. The problem is that floodgates never simply leak...they always break down and then the flood comes. I don't know how I would survive without them though. Still, I feel as if I'm drowning in everything...your face and her words and the silence...I cannot come to terms with the silence. This storm of hurt and anger is brewing and I'm helpless to do anything but sit and watch, because I am sitting in the eye of it all.

To put it bluntly

I guess what I've been through could be compared to being stabbed..I succesfully managed to pull out the knife and stick on a band-aid, but now I'm scared to peel it off to see if there is even a scab forming, for fear of making it worse. I'm in the dark. And really, not knowing it so much worse than being wrong.

Deep Red Bells

I don't know what to say.

I've fallen asleep again.

And I don't remember what I was awake for.
I don't know.

tangled webs

Where do I start? I can't sort out the things that have been circulating in my mind lately. Strings. Isn't it ironic that something that takes months and months to build up can be destructed in a matter of weeks? Was it my fault? Was it my choice? Did I make the right one? Contemplating how you never hug me goodbye anymore...I don't know what to think. Letting go and starting over isn't nearly as hard or as easy as you would expect. I think it just goes on a day by day basis. There's no general guidlines as to how to do this. Some days I feel as if Im drowning in everything. Not often, though. Yesterday I had an amazing day. Day by day. It's passing. You don't know anything.

The needle has landed

Im so confused about my own emotions right now.

There are three things I know:

1. You make me happy

2. I can never act upon this again.

3. If I did, the consequences and hurt would increase exponentially.

I need to move past this, I really really do. But it's hard to be so tough on yourself. But my future and happiness and best friendships are at stake, and I can't let one type of feeling overrule the rest. I just don't know how not to.

Never pleased to see you

Even relief isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be,

problems seem to follow me around even when I thought I'd escaped them.

It's going to be different this time.

I just wish I'd known.

so give me coffee and tv...

I am so hopeful.

At the exact point when I was ready to give up, things got exponentially better. I feel as if I've been dragged through the bush and it felt like hell but thank god it's over and will never get like that again. The incredible hole in my chest doesn't hurt so much anymore.

I'm ready to start over.

And start over without you.

Waking up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

i've seen so much i'm going blind

I came to school early today with the intention of finishing up some work, but my thoughts got the better of me and so I am here. There are some things I need to get straight with myself. First is that impact of the coming changes in my life, and the fact that I feel no need to open up these changes to you. After last night my life will never be quite the same, and that is both scary and exciting.

Second is the difference I see in myself now when I am with you. If I've ever been too hurt or scared to open up, that feeling is gone. While I was distracted, I gave you a huge part of myself, and you didn't drop it. I am so thankful.

Third is that I need to get a definitive answer about my future, and at least get some closure to go on. Coming to terms with something isn't nearly as bad as not knowing, always wondering and being tentative. I need to have a labelled box in my mind where I can store all of our conversations, instead of continuing to run them through my head again and again and getting no where.

Fourth is that I need to decide what to do with myself. Should I repair the burnt bridges? Keep building the ones that I started? Is it even worth it? Most of all though, I need to do something to squash my fears of being a product of the environment. I can't look in the mirror and see my mother or father, because suspicions like that are completely unfounded.

Fifth is that I need to make a decision about my independance. I need to stop pretending, stop having such high expectations that anyone who falls short get a kick in the ass. If I learned anything, it's that ass-kicking can backfire and hurt. A long time ago I wrote; "I don't want to be alone, I just want to be happy," and now I have to live accordingly. Besides, the most perfect people I know are ones that at first seemed incredibly flawed.

But anyways, that took longer than I expected. But I'm not sorry, it was something that needed to be said.

February twenty-ninth

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered in moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green-an alien planet.

and history repeats itself again

under the knife

I was worried about getting old, but I thought and realized that my life has always been more pre-occupied with day-to-day things, and the panic of getting older becomes just a passing thought that slips in once in a while before getting brushed off. Why should that ever change? Besides, there must be some comfort in knowing that one day we'll wake up forty.

I won't be writing in here much longer. The stony silence of the internet is hurting me.

wading in the velvet sea

I fell asleep in the car when we were driving back to this city, in a car full of friends I love, and my life made sense. I'm excited.... for the future. Personne ne peut retourner et commencer au début, mais n'importe qui peut commencer aujourd'hui et faire une nouvelle fin.

There she goes, there she goes again.

You'll spend your whole life running, running without ever thinking about what it is that you are trying to get free from, and when you stop and look back, you realise that all along you've been running in circles and the very thing you tried to get away from is what you are heading towards. But I don't like to think about this because it makes me get a knot in my stomach

Last night I dreamt I killed someone and then got tricked into hiding the knife somewhere that would leave my fingerprints. I was so scared to get caught, but on some level I wasn't scared so much as angry, because I knew that I could do better, run faster, be smarter. I can't stress enough how different things are, and how much you don't know me anymore, and that I really don't want you to.

Funniest cashier ever

"Air miles or club card?"

"Nope."

"Alright here's your receipt, you saved 99 cents today."

"Thanks."

"Go buy yourself a pair of shoes with that....Or a pony.....No, buy a house, you could make a mortgage payment, you know."

When you think it is pure thought

You are like someone who would let me have the black jellybeans, someone who would be happy to go nowhere and just be, someone who would tell me things I don’t know and ask me things I’ve never been asked. You are like no one I’ve ever met.

Emotive

With absolutely no reason,

I am happy.

We are the sum total of our choices

There are some rare moments in my life where every small detail or forgotten memory suddenly come rushing back to me and there is a second of euphoria, or clarity or insight. Suddenly I remember the fabric of your shirt, the dance we had and how somehow in our self-discovery and loss of innocence there was something so pure and fragile. Everyday I am dreaming but in those moments I am awake, and it is by those moments that I will live my life.

These empty metaphors, they're all in vain

You left it

I sent it

I want it back

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings

Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin

This plan of mine is oh so very lame

Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains?