Thinking...

Why must the world be so overrun with mushrooms? All I wanted was a good, fungi-free lasagna

You know what I hate?
That feeling that you have so much to say, so much to spew out into the black abyss of the internet, and the anticipation of the satisfaction of posting a good blog entry, like somehow you contributed a part of yourself to the world. So you begin, you start thinking about what exactly to write, how to separate all the fog in your head and form a sensical paragraph that other people could possibly relate to.
Five minutes in, you realize you have no idea how to describe you feel or what you think, there is no way to untie all the knots in your head and show off a clean, linear thought process. So you delete your shitty attempt at writing and close the window, disappointed. Fuck.

2010 you were good to me

Over the past couple months I've become very aware of the fact that my life is awesome. I'm constantly thinking; I am so happy right now. In this moment. The whole concept of "living only in the now" is so hard to grasp...I can understand stopping and soaking in how good something is, but the idea of throwing plans away scares me. I didn't really want to turn 19 because 18 has been so good in itself.  On the other hand, sometimes when I'm in one of those "now" moods, I start thinking about the fact that I'm still so young and how good it feels to just be alive at this second. My hands get tingly and I stare down at them and think about how amazing it is that I am a person...and for a second it feels like I exist separately from my body and then I snap back down to earth. In a couple weekends I'm going to do acid and I cannot wait.  I feel like all the fluid ideas in my head will mould themselves into thoughts that I always had the capability of having but just never developed them. I'm excited. It's so exciting to be young and alive.

Christmas

I prefer chocolate that isn't individually wrapped. The less effort that it takes for me to get the chocolate from the box into my mouth, the better.

I haven't written much lately. How the hell do you write when you are happy? It just sounds boastful, or naive. I'd much rather be accused of angst than boastfulness.

And so I am writing again, but I'm not unhappy, necessarily. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm splitting into two halves, complete opposites, and somehow maintaining them both and watching them both grow separately without bias. I feel detached. I feel dichotomous.

"You know, most things in life, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Doesn't change the fact that you have to choose."

Nude

Feeling much happier lately.
Today I had a conversation with Travis. It was awkward at best but it's a start, I suppose.

Late at night, everything seems amplified

I wish:

I could sleep soundly again.
I could say whatever I want at any given moment and not have any consequences stem from it.

heartbreak warfare

What a shitty day.
My coping mechanisms aren't holding up, and I just want to hug my own dog and sleep in my own bed

Thank god,
Thank god for that thing that someone says to you,
And you've heard it before but somehow it means more coming from an outsider
And it is exactly what you needed to hear, but how did they know?
And you keep it in your head for days
And you look at it from all angles, each view makes you feel better than the last
And you wring it out and you hang it up
But when you come around again and put it on, it still makes you warm
Thank fucking god

Something to love:

Blasting Interpol at ear-splitting volume while driving too fast in the rain.
Today was excellent, and nostalgic. The old high school feels so different.

are you some kind of medicine man? cut the demons out of my head...

Having a lot of flashbacks lately, it makes you see things in a different light. 

breathe me, break me, resuscitate me

I have this feeling that I should be more mature, but don't have any clue how to go about doing that.
I guess this blog is kind of immature. And self-absorbed.
Yes, yes it is.
But at the same time, I feel like it's mostly my only means for documenting "personal growth".

It's very very hard to stop myself from sinking into the lows that I know I shouldn't be feeling. Some days I feel good. Really really good. But for whatever reason the waves eventually come and I feel like I am going to explode, get that overwhelming sick feeling in my stomach and need to lash out.
It's like, for the past five years I've been waiting for things to be okay, and setting secret timelines for everything to work out, but it never does.
Or maybe I'm just not taking very well to the fact that perfection doesn't exist, and keep clinging onto this naive idea of what my life should be like. I can't decide.

I found my old cd case whilst emptying out my old room in my mother's house. A mix cd is in the stereo, I am debating whether or not to press play. Inevitably it will get me asking myself that same question...'who wants a girl who eats a whole serving of mac and cheese and blogs about her feelings all day?'

Sometimes I think about everything I would take if I had the chance.
Today, Paxil. Yesterday, Valium. Last week, Ritalin.
It's like,
I could change everything without changing anything.

This day:

i. Walked into the bathroom, heard a girl TYPING ON HER LAPTOP in the stall next to me, watched her rush out of the bathroom embarrassed.
ii. Wore shorts today, it started raining, is now currently snowing and the wind is gusting. OOPS!!
iii. Enjoyed a delicious sub, got the last two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
iv. Shared a good moment with a stranger on the elevator, we were both submitting our 4:30 assignments at 4:28
v. Thought a lot about going somewhere

My sexual appetite has increased alarmingly.
I just want everything more.
This job.
That house.
This life.

The people at Subway recognize me since I can't stop going there.

Growing to love beer

My dog is so lovely.

In my dreams I am coordinated enough to punch a happy couple in the face

I'm tired of giving. It would feel so good to break something. 

"Usually, we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm ok," we say. "I'm all right." But sometimes the truth arrives on you, and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer-it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced. "

Funny how the same things I was writing about two years ago still ring true. For a so-called "scientist", I am very good at skewing the facts into the truth that I want. At some point I know I will have to come to terms with the way things really are. In the meantime, I just have to hope that nobody else can foresee this, and won't judge me too harshly when I fail.

Stopped flinching at the c word

Time is going by so fast.

On Saturday, something nice happened at Milestone's. An old British lady came in to eat by herself, and Hayley sat her at 42, the booth closest the front door. This is the booth that is difficult/nearly impossible to seat. The nicest people will fucking BITE your head off if you try to seat them there...I don't even see why, there's no draft. Maybe it has to do with some animal instinct of not wanting to be so exposed while eating. Vulnerable. Anyways this lady happily sat there, quietly eating her eggs benedict. When she got up to pay, the server said that someone else had taken care of her bill (a man who said she reminded him of his mother) and the old woman was so surprised and happy, she said it was "extraordinary because today is my seventy-third birthday". It was nice to see.

In other news, I may have failed my English midterm. My head is filled with thoughts thoughts thoughts. They aren't attached to emotions. I don't feel what I should. I hate being anything other than idle.

Why should I remain the same

The past couple weeks have consisted of house sitting and unhealthy amounts of stress, replaced by reading week and unhealthy amounts of sleep. I'm incredibly moody.
On friday, Kelsey and I went to winners and I found an amazing blue and pink leopard-print dress for 30 bones! Every time we go shopping Kelsey tries something on and stands in front of the mirror shouting "BAM! BAM! BAM!" and changing up ridiculous poses. Fuck it gets me every time. So so funny.