It amazes me how short-term my memory is. A few months of living in a certain way, and I almost forget that it was ever different. The gap seems enormous between who I am now and who I was six months ago, and six months before that. In a way, that can be convenient, but on the other hand it's pretty unsettling to have a circumstantial identity. Can't I just pick the best one and be that person all the time?

Cherry blossom girl

Once again, it's been ages since I've written something here. As I get older, I feel less willing to give my thoughts over to the internet. I guess being vulnerable in this way doesn't come so naturally.  But then again, this has been my place of documentation for years, and it seems such a shame to stop.

It's amazing how much foreshadowing I can see, when I go back and read the things I wrote years ago. I am so glad I'm not apathetic. Sometimes it's overwhelming, having a loud and really melancholic inner voice. But man, thank god. It's so comforting to know that I am really alive, in that way.

Sometimes I feel like growing older means committing yourself to a certain way of thinking, the world becomes a little clearer through your particular lens. But man, I like the fogginess. I love the process of struggling to understand, without actually ever getting there. I'm striving to keep the ambiguity. There's beauty in that.

"Something changes the moment you decide you’ve found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to. Something stands out and makes the moment unique. A profound multidimensional clarity resembling a piece of carefully gathered stardust; As if you are whispering “finally” and your eyes fill with light and spontaneity. As if you do not care whether your heart will melt or crumble in the process because your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief. You live for these moments; For you are, maybe for one second or more, sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy. A moment of psychological reward smashing all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror. This is all you need."

~ Anais Nin

I feel as if I've discovered an amazing secret. It really is possible for things to be this simple and profound at the same time. I'm so grateful. 

In the spirit of the week

Stating the obvious- it's been a while. I've had this blog for about seven years, can't believe a whole year went by without posting anything. I started writing a few times, but it never went anywhere. Nonetheless, I am glad that the internet exists for people like me to document their personal growth.

I've been thinking lately about how much you can tell from a person's gaze. I have an old friend whose eyes betray him, sometimes just for a split second, but it's enough. My stomach drops and I'm always tempted to point out the falseness of his words. But in the end, who could be so cruel as to point out to someone that their life is convinced, they are fooling themselves? I've been there myself, it's a slow and painful process to break out of it. Some people never do.

Another example: in a shop the other day, a nice employee struck up a conversation with me, but after I paid, I noticed she deliberately didn't meet my gaze. For the rest of the day I was kind of anxious about it, wondering if I had not tipped enough and disappointed her. It leaves me wondering if I am perceptive or just insane.

Years ago I met a Native man who looked right at me, said I had 'clear eyes' and was therefore allowed to enter his home. I wonder what it was he saw...naivety? Innocence? Idealism? If I saw him again, would he say the same thing?

Something strange has been happening to me...I'll be going about my business, on the bus, in class, or drifting off to sleep, thinking generally platonic thoughts, and suddenly, my thoughts will be abruptly interrupted by a single image from my past-mostly my childhood. And in a split second, my mind's eye is instantly FLOODED with details I had no idea I'd remembered. There is no pattern to these weird, unsolicited flashbacks, some of the images are significant and some aren't at all... It makes me feel very strange and uncomfortable and on some level I am worried my brain is preparing itself for eventual death

A poem that struck me

"Our lives are not our own
From womb to tomb,
We are bound to others
Past and present,
And by each crime
And every kindness
We birth our future"

How does 'personal growth' happen for you? Is it slow, in hindsight? Is it immediate regret? An epiphany?

Most of the time I feel it gradually...over the span of weeks, months, years. The most profound kind though, is when I'm in the dumps and a random thought scrolls across my mind, and suddenly! I know exactly what to do next with my life! And next thing I know, I'm smiling from ear to ear because the xfiles are so good and man, this toast is TASTY

night fever

If I'd written something two weeks ago, it would've been along the lines of how I've fully realized that "often, the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing it".  I'd have said how funny it is that I spent YEARS stressing about moving away. Doubting myself, feeling torn, postponing it, facing judgement, losing sleep, making excuses, feeling stuck but being scared of changing that, worrying about feeling lonely. Why funny? (I'd have said) Because, well, when I actually did it, it was a fucking breeze.


Although it still holds true, those thoughts have been replaced with ones of disappointment, in myself. I have this hazy idea of what I want my future to be like, but it's unclear how I get there from here. It should be a straight path, a simple continuation and progression of what I'm already doing. But somewhere along the line I set such low standards for myself, that the bridge between my present and idealistic future has become an impossibly large gap. It's kind of ironic, I guess..being disappointed with yourself for not believing in yourself. I don't know..was that even what it was- me not believing in myself? What makes a person accept "good enough" instead of holding out for something perfect? Why did I wait so long to make my happiness, in all aspects of my life,  a really serious priority? I've been so passive...

There's been progress though...my life has been so empty lately that I've had room to fill it up with things I actually care about, and that feels awesome. Even so, there's so much missing and I'll be damned if I know how to get it..

Head full of heavy thoughts. Tomorrow I turn 20. 

Maybe maturity is fully realizing that all of your life situations are temporary and subsequently letting go..

In 24hrs

Watching Four Rooms, Jackie Brown, Foxy Brown and reading up on Quentin Tarantino and Pam Grier. Thinking about the L word. Thinking about Pulp Fiction too hard makes my limbs tingle.

Silas the magic car - Mew

I'm envious of my roommate Kathleen's laugh. Or is it her sense of humour? Whichever quality it is that makes it so that mildly amusing things warrant a genuine explosion of belly laughter. So nice.

This week I got a Christmas kitten. His name is Silas, and every time I look at him my heart swells.

Does your subconscious haunt you too?

Mine has been particularly cruel lately. In moments of baked solitude on the bus, it attacks me with bad memories and repressed thoughts that make your stomach drop. When I'm sleeping, faces in my dreams tell me what has to be done and that I've already fucked up my life enough. What really gets me though, is the notion that  the decisions I've made have made me less than what I could have been.

It's been a while

I used to be so much more articulate. Able to quantify what I feel and wrap it up nicely and present it to someone for analysis.

These days I can't sort myself out. I feel so much on so many different levels that when I think too hard I get lost. I'm stuck in a fog that is only clear in retrospect. I just want to be free of it.

Positively horny with grief

Over the past few days, I've felt sadness to a level I didn't even know I was capable of. It's so cyclical. Up for a weeks, then stop. And think. Fuck, my heart is breaking. I lost something really special.

I am an animal,

You're an animal too 

hmmmmm

-------> me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------->not me

Thinking...

Why must the world be so overrun with mushrooms? All I wanted was a good, fungi-free lasagna

You know what I hate?
That feeling that you have so much to say, so much to spew out into the black abyss of the internet, and the anticipation of the satisfaction of posting a good blog entry, like somehow you contributed a part of yourself to the world. So you begin, you start thinking about what exactly to write, how to separate all the fog in your head and form a sensical paragraph that other people could possibly relate to.
Five minutes in, you realize you have no idea how to describe you feel or what you think, there is no way to untie all the knots in your head and show off a clean, linear thought process. So you delete your shitty attempt at writing and close the window, disappointed. Fuck.

2010 you were good to me

Over the past couple months I've become very aware of the fact that my life is awesome. I'm constantly thinking; I am so happy right now. In this moment. The whole concept of "living only in the now" is so hard to grasp...I can understand stopping and soaking in how good something is, but the idea of throwing plans away scares me. I didn't really want to turn 19 because 18 has been so good in itself.  On the other hand, sometimes when I'm in one of those "now" moods, I start thinking about the fact that I'm still so young and how good it feels to just be alive at this second. My hands get tingly and I stare down at them and think about how amazing it is that I am a person...and for a second it feels like I exist separately from my body and then I snap back down to earth. In a couple weekends I'm going to do acid and I cannot wait.  I feel like all the fluid ideas in my head will mould themselves into thoughts that I always had the capability of having but just never developed them. I'm excited. It's so exciting to be young and alive.