You're a feeler, not a thinker.

Coming from someone who met me once for a few hours.

I'm drinking milk out of the carton and messaging with Abbey

and I've never been happier.

I'm amazed at how vastly wonderful life is, both sober and not.

The guy in this movie is pissing me off, however.

"Right to die, right to die."

Why would anyone want to? This is bliss!!

If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, "we're all ok."
And not to worry, cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
I won't be made useless or be idle with despair
I'll gather myself around my faith, cause light does the darkness most fear.

Don't leave me high don't leave me dry

I'm feeling very worldly and dreamy today.

Or at least I was until I walked back into this empty house.

It's been such a strange day, weird things happening that could be coincidences or maybe not.

Example: The waiter saying "take it easy" to me.

And "What's a girl to do" blaring on the street as I passed.

I just stopped for a second. It was freaky.

There were three weddings today downtown!!!

A few weeks ago I probably would have scowled but today I was happy for the people.

Tonight is going to be fun, although I never thought myself capable of deception this far.

I was thinking the other day and came up with this analogy of speeding down the highway on my first time driving. And I'm trying to keep up but I'm scared of crashing or getting a ticket or of losing control. At the same time though, I can't just jump out of a speeding car. I was so scared that I'd never drive that I think I pushed it too hard. Does everyone feel this way?

The former or the latter

I'm moody and tired but happy and content and confused, and I don't have the motivation to understand.

My room is a mess and I wish I didn't have so much laundry to do, I'm in the mood to sit and watch old movies and drink perrier and eat chocolate.

I realized though that the period in my life when I didn't reply to people's emails or comments or phone them back is over. I just couldn't be bothered.

But now I can! And it feels good again, I always felt guilty about it, but now it's ok.

On another note, when I was thinking about who my favorite people were, her name didn't cross my mind.

It wasn't until much later I even thought about her. And I don't think I should have. Because it's not really how I feel, and I do think now that settling for convience won't make me happy, but I just don't have the guts or the heart or the malice to tell her that.

Dear Heather,

I love you! I hate you! You scare me! I don't know! But neither do you.

The kind of person who drives a red VW.

My quality of life keeps getting better and better.
I feel really really happy with it!
It's good to have a full life and do different things everyday and have excitement.
There's three things I want to say;
1. I had eggos this morning, it was very reminiscent.
2. The voice of the GPS sounds like god.
3. I've never met anyone more insecure and conceited in my life.

I WANT THAT EXPLOSIVE FEELING, BUT I DON'T WANT TO WANT IT.

I just want it to happen.

You make me hope and it comes and goes but the important part is that it's there.

As for monday night, I had another pretty good experience, and I know it's over, but there is no way that this all can go as fast as it came, and even if it does it will still leave enough traces behind.

What will happen in september?

Take it easy- The Eagles

I want to live in a wood cabin in the forest with two white dogs and a child named Juniper.

For those who try to slow their minds with weed

1. Telling you the truth this weekend, you didn't need to hear it, but I needed to say it.
2. Two songs: One on the radio as I walked into the store, the other I'd been avoiding since the tuesday
3. The summer when I first learned to ride horses, she told me I was a natural and then we buried her cat.
4. Realizing that I've moved on and forgotten about you while you're still asking about me.

I dreamt about you last night

But you weren't the person I was hoping to dream about.
things were the exact same as they are in real life, we weren't together, I'm itching for school to start, maybe it'll cure me of this and of you.

Your pride is hurt, your feelings are dead.

Things have calmed down today, I'm getting used to this rhythm.

Life might not be so bad like this after all.

Part of me is scared, but content, but mostly just sad, because I can't decide if this is the easy way out? The smart way out or selling out? Or what if this isn't any way out at all, it's back in or back under the sand? I'd always thought of myself as a bold person, but now I don't know anymore.

Box of honesty

I'm in the mood today to scream and shout and yell untill I have no voice.
And then go on a healing sabbatical to Iceland.
"Just when you think everything is ok, the rug gets pulled out from under your feet."
"It's a cruel form of abuse, really."
I'm trying not to let it bother me, I'm trying not to cry but the truth is that I know ten years from now I'll still be damaged by this.
Where is the justice in that?

West Village

I've been having really vivid dreams lately.
They're at the point where I wake up and have already gone through the day in my dream.
"The air is a nippy 96."
It's all gone now and I feel like I've been hit with a car and then left to fend for myself. Which is fair, after all.
It was with myself that I got into this, and it was for myself.
But now the tough part is here and I can't stomach it. And to expect anyone else to do it for me is wrong.
I'm sorry.

Timeless

I'm feeling better lately.
Scott and Theresa are arriving tonight, that'll be a nice change.
BE BOLD NOT BEIGE.

My rights versus yours?

My rights versus my own.
It happened again.
I was coughing and spitting.
I wonder if my mom knew.
Did she read my journal?
Did she???

I hope I can trust myself. Because I truly believe that if there's something you've made up in your heart not to do, you won't.
I hope.
Even yesterday it seemed like a good idea, but in my altered state I knew I wouldn't want that for myself right now.


I'm supposed to be meeting Allison soon, it's going to be hard to act normal when what I really want is to spill out my heart and get some understanding and help right now, only I know that's difficult to do.

I don't want to talk about it.

Funnily enough.
I just want to backtrack and think about how the hell this happened.

I guess it started with curiosity, and then desire, and now shock?
I'm making too big a deal of this.
Deal with it.
DEAL DEAL DEAL.

DEAL.

Dear Heather,

You're done with this part of your life.
A new page!
It's exciting to tap this previously undiscovered area.
Dangerous but you're so ready for it!
Ready for a change.

Dear Heather,

I love you. I really truly do. It feels good to watch you open up that shell. It feels good to be happy with you. Thank you.

Dear Heather,

Sometimes you confuse me so much. That whole thing at work? A total mess. Call me when you're ready to drop the tough act and be real.

I'm learning to breathe underwater

So much has happened in the past month. I can't even begin to explain. Not yet. Not today.