Does your subconscious haunt you too?

Mine has been particularly cruel lately. In moments of baked solitude on the bus, it attacks me with bad memories and repressed thoughts that make your stomach drop. When I'm sleeping, faces in my dreams tell me what has to be done and that I've already fucked up my life enough. What really gets me though, is the notion that  the decisions I've made have made me less than what I could have been.

It's been a while

I used to be so much more articulate. Able to quantify what I feel and wrap it up nicely and present it to someone for analysis.

These days I can't sort myself out. I feel so much on so many different levels that when I think too hard I get lost. I'm stuck in a fog that is only clear in retrospect. I just want to be free of it.

Positively horny with grief

Over the past few days, I've felt sadness to a level I didn't even know I was capable of. It's so cyclical. Up for a weeks, then stop. And think. Fuck, my heart is breaking. I lost something really special.

I am an animal,

You're an animal too 

hmmmmm

-------> me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------->not me

Thinking...

Why must the world be so overrun with mushrooms? All I wanted was a good, fungi-free lasagna

You know what I hate?
That feeling that you have so much to say, so much to spew out into the black abyss of the internet, and the anticipation of the satisfaction of posting a good blog entry, like somehow you contributed a part of yourself to the world. So you begin, you start thinking about what exactly to write, how to separate all the fog in your head and form a sensical paragraph that other people could possibly relate to.
Five minutes in, you realize you have no idea how to describe you feel or what you think, there is no way to untie all the knots in your head and show off a clean, linear thought process. So you delete your shitty attempt at writing and close the window, disappointed. Fuck.

2010 you were good to me

Over the past couple months I've become very aware of the fact that my life is awesome. I'm constantly thinking; I am so happy right now. In this moment. The whole concept of "living only in the now" is so hard to grasp...I can understand stopping and soaking in how good something is, but the idea of throwing plans away scares me. I didn't really want to turn 19 because 18 has been so good in itself.  On the other hand, sometimes when I'm in one of those "now" moods, I start thinking about the fact that I'm still so young and how good it feels to just be alive at this second. My hands get tingly and I stare down at them and think about how amazing it is that I am a person...and for a second it feels like I exist separately from my body and then I snap back down to earth. In a couple weekends I'm going to do acid and I cannot wait.  I feel like all the fluid ideas in my head will mould themselves into thoughts that I always had the capability of having but just never developed them. I'm excited. It's so exciting to be young and alive.

Christmas

I prefer chocolate that isn't individually wrapped. The less effort that it takes for me to get the chocolate from the box into my mouth, the better.

I haven't written much lately. How the hell do you write when you are happy? It just sounds boastful, or naive. I'd much rather be accused of angst than boastfulness.

And so I am writing again, but I'm not unhappy, necessarily. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm splitting into two halves, complete opposites, and somehow maintaining them both and watching them both grow separately without bias. I feel detached. I feel dichotomous.

"You know, most things in life, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Doesn't change the fact that you have to choose."

Nude

Feeling much happier lately.
Today I had a conversation with Travis. It was awkward at best but it's a start, I suppose.

Late at night, everything seems amplified

I wish:

I could sleep soundly again.
I could say whatever I want at any given moment and not have any consequences stem from it.

heartbreak warfare

What a shitty day.
My coping mechanisms aren't holding up, and I just want to hug my own dog and sleep in my own bed

Thank god,
Thank god for that thing that someone says to you,
And you've heard it before but somehow it means more coming from an outsider
And it is exactly what you needed to hear, but how did they know?
And you keep it in your head for days
And you look at it from all angles, each view makes you feel better than the last
And you wring it out and you hang it up
But when you come around again and put it on, it still makes you warm
Thank fucking god

Something to love:

Blasting Interpol at ear-splitting volume while driving too fast in the rain.
Today was excellent, and nostalgic. The old high school feels so different.

are you some kind of medicine man? cut the demons out of my head...

Having a lot of flashbacks lately, it makes you see things in a different light. 

breathe me, break me, resuscitate me

I have this feeling that I should be more mature, but don't have any clue how to go about doing that.
I guess this blog is kind of immature. And self-absorbed.
Yes, yes it is.
But at the same time, I feel like it's mostly my only means for documenting "personal growth".

It's very very hard to stop myself from sinking into the lows that I know I shouldn't be feeling. Some days I feel good. Really really good. But for whatever reason the waves eventually come and I feel like I am going to explode, get that overwhelming sick feeling in my stomach and need to lash out.
It's like, for the past five years I've been waiting for things to be okay, and setting secret timelines for everything to work out, but it never does.
Or maybe I'm just not taking very well to the fact that perfection doesn't exist, and keep clinging onto this naive idea of what my life should be like. I can't decide.

I found my old cd case whilst emptying out my old room in my mother's house. A mix cd is in the stereo, I am debating whether or not to press play. Inevitably it will get me asking myself that same question...'who wants a girl who eats a whole serving of mac and cheese and blogs about her feelings all day?'

Sometimes I think about everything I would take if I had the chance.
Today, Paxil. Yesterday, Valium. Last week, Ritalin.
It's like,
I could change everything without changing anything.

This day:

i. Walked into the bathroom, heard a girl TYPING ON HER LAPTOP in the stall next to me, watched her rush out of the bathroom embarrassed.
ii. Wore shorts today, it started raining, is now currently snowing and the wind is gusting. OOPS!!
iii. Enjoyed a delicious sub, got the last two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
iv. Shared a good moment with a stranger on the elevator, we were both submitting our 4:30 assignments at 4:28
v. Thought a lot about going somewhere

My sexual appetite has increased alarmingly.
I just want everything more.
This job.
That house.
This life.

The people at Subway recognize me since I can't stop going there.