How does 'personal growth' happen for you? Is it slow, in hindsight? Is it immediate regret? An epiphany?

Most of the time I feel it gradually...over the span of weeks, months, years. The most profound kind though, is when I'm in the dumps and a random thought scrolls across my mind, and suddenly! I know exactly what to do next with my life! And next thing I know, I'm smiling from ear to ear because the xfiles are so good and man, this toast is TASTY

night fever

If I'd written something two weeks ago, it would've been along the lines of how I've fully realized that "often, the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing it".  I'd have said how funny it is that I spent YEARS stressing about moving away. Doubting myself, feeling torn, postponing it, facing judgement, losing sleep, making excuses, feeling stuck but being scared of changing that, worrying about feeling lonely. Why funny? (I'd have said) Because, well, when I actually did it, it was a fucking breeze.


Although it still holds true, those thoughts have been replaced with ones of disappointment, in myself. I have this hazy idea of what I want my future to be like, but it's unclear how I get there from here. It should be a straight path, a simple continuation and progression of what I'm already doing. But somewhere along the line I set such low standards for myself, that the bridge between my present and idealistic future has become an impossibly large gap. It's kind of ironic, I guess..being disappointed with yourself for not believing in yourself. I don't know..was that even what it was- me not believing in myself? What makes a person accept "good enough" instead of holding out for something perfect? Why did I wait so long to make my happiness, in all aspects of my life,  a really serious priority? I've been so passive...

There's been progress though...my life has been so empty lately that I've had room to fill it up with things I actually care about, and that feels awesome. Even so, there's so much missing and I'll be damned if I know how to get it..

Head full of heavy thoughts. Tomorrow I turn 20. 

Maybe maturity is fully realizing that all of your life situations are temporary and subsequently letting go..

In 24hrs

Watching Four Rooms, Jackie Brown, Foxy Brown and reading up on Quentin Tarantino and Pam Grier. Thinking about the L word. Thinking about Pulp Fiction too hard makes my limbs tingle.

Silas the magic car - Mew

I'm envious of my roommate Kathleen's laugh. Or is it her sense of humour? Whichever quality it is that makes it so that mildly amusing things warrant a genuine explosion of belly laughter. So nice.

This week I got a Christmas kitten. His name is Silas, and every time I look at him my heart swells.

Does your subconscious haunt you too?

Mine has been particularly cruel lately. In moments of baked solitude on the bus, it attacks me with bad memories and repressed thoughts that make your stomach drop. When I'm sleeping, faces in my dreams tell me what has to be done and that I've already fucked up my life enough. What really gets me though, is the notion that  the decisions I've made have made me less than what I could have been.

It's been a while

I used to be so much more articulate. Able to quantify what I feel and wrap it up nicely and present it to someone for analysis.

These days I can't sort myself out. I feel so much on so many different levels that when I think too hard I get lost. I'm stuck in a fog that is only clear in retrospect. I just want to be free of it.

Positively horny with grief

Over the past few days, I've felt sadness to a level I didn't even know I was capable of. It's so cyclical. Up for a weeks, then stop. And think. Fuck, my heart is breaking. I lost something really special.

I am an animal,

You're an animal too 

hmmmmm

-------> me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------->not me

Thinking...

Why must the world be so overrun with mushrooms? All I wanted was a good, fungi-free lasagna

You know what I hate?
That feeling that you have so much to say, so much to spew out into the black abyss of the internet, and the anticipation of the satisfaction of posting a good blog entry, like somehow you contributed a part of yourself to the world. So you begin, you start thinking about what exactly to write, how to separate all the fog in your head and form a sensical paragraph that other people could possibly relate to.
Five minutes in, you realize you have no idea how to describe you feel or what you think, there is no way to untie all the knots in your head and show off a clean, linear thought process. So you delete your shitty attempt at writing and close the window, disappointed. Fuck.

2010 you were good to me

Over the past couple months I've become very aware of the fact that my life is awesome. I'm constantly thinking; I am so happy right now. In this moment. The whole concept of "living only in the now" is so hard to grasp...I can understand stopping and soaking in how good something is, but the idea of throwing plans away scares me. I didn't really want to turn 19 because 18 has been so good in itself.  On the other hand, sometimes when I'm in one of those "now" moods, I start thinking about the fact that I'm still so young and how good it feels to just be alive at this second. My hands get tingly and I stare down at them and think about how amazing it is that I am a person...and for a second it feels like I exist separately from my body and then I snap back down to earth. In a couple weekends I'm going to do acid and I cannot wait.  I feel like all the fluid ideas in my head will mould themselves into thoughts that I always had the capability of having but just never developed them. I'm excited. It's so exciting to be young and alive.

Christmas

I prefer chocolate that isn't individually wrapped. The less effort that it takes for me to get the chocolate from the box into my mouth, the better.

I haven't written much lately. How the hell do you write when you are happy? It just sounds boastful, or naive. I'd much rather be accused of angst than boastfulness.

And so I am writing again, but I'm not unhappy, necessarily. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm splitting into two halves, complete opposites, and somehow maintaining them both and watching them both grow separately without bias. I feel detached. I feel dichotomous.

"You know, most things in life, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Doesn't change the fact that you have to choose."

Nude

Feeling much happier lately.
Today I had a conversation with Travis. It was awkward at best but it's a start, I suppose.

Late at night, everything seems amplified

I wish:

I could sleep soundly again.
I could say whatever I want at any given moment and not have any consequences stem from it.

heartbreak warfare

What a shitty day.
My coping mechanisms aren't holding up, and I just want to hug my own dog and sleep in my own bed

Thank god,
Thank god for that thing that someone says to you,
And you've heard it before but somehow it means more coming from an outsider
And it is exactly what you needed to hear, but how did they know?
And you keep it in your head for days
And you look at it from all angles, each view makes you feel better than the last
And you wring it out and you hang it up
But when you come around again and put it on, it still makes you warm
Thank fucking god